As we were getting to know more about our families, one of the questions she asked me was, “So before you got married what where some of the things you and Raymonn liked to do together? What did you guys do when you would go on a date?” It actually stunned me for a minute, nobody had ever asked me that question before. Finally the truth sank in. We never dated. I told her, “Well, we were in college for one so neither of us had any money. If we went out it was for an ice cream cone at Dairy Queen. Beyond that we never really needed to date, we trained together, we had class together. Our lives had multiple points that crossed, it was easy.”

What a realization when she said, “You have never woo’d each other.” (or however the proper spelling of that concept is). That is so stinkin true. I have never been woo’d nor done the woo’ing. Thinking through this, when R graduated he left to play football and I would travel to see him. I’d fly up to Canada multiple times and even Amsterdam. But his days were full of football and mine were full of shopping and sightseeing. Our evenings were laid back minus the football game where I would cheer my heart out with pride!

After I graduated R was still playing so I worked and traveled to see him when I could. Then he came home and we got married a month or so later. Huh, just the natural flow of life. But you see, not dating so much as taking advantage of paths that were parallel or that we made parallel but we still were going with the flow of OUR INDIVIDUAL lives, grateful to have someone else along for the ride of whatever stage we were in at the time. There was no stopping and really focusing on the other person, to chase them, to invite them, to focus on them, to woo them.

Oh sure, now we’ve gone out to dinner and a movie, the fabulous Al Green concert (best evah). But not consistently, the sacrifices we have made have not been for time with each other. We have made sacrifices that’s for sure, to get out of debt, for our kids, for our jobs. But no, not for each other. We have our excuses, some legitimate – money, time, consistent babysitter (this is a big one).

It’s time to start doing that. It’s time to start dating my husband, almost 11-12 years after it should have started. I think we have some catching up to do. But we’re making a start. Monday nights are now date nights in our house. We have a babysitter and we’re making time for each other. Whether it be golfing with each other, a movie, dinner, or heck – even working out at the YMCA. It’s time we make each other a priority.

I’m kind of excited. He’s kind of worth it

21 days? You mean like rehab? Friends there are days I’m so close! Not quite this time though. No, I participated in a 21 day fast (not from my blog intentionally although, poor thing I have missed you!). Now don’t run away like I almost did the first time I heard about it 3 years ago. I did not fast EVERYTHING.

Our church encouraged everyone to fast something for 21 days leading up to Easter. For some it was coffee, for some TV, for some sweets, for some meat, for others Facebook.

I did the Daniel Fast. I have blogged about it before, two years ago when I attempted it – when it started the day of my Grandad’s funeral. I’m thinking that I had a few other things crowding my heart I needed to work through at the time. What is the Daniel Fast? You can learn about it more at the Daniel Fast website. It officially is about drinking only water and eating only things that have grown from the ground. No meat, no dairy, no sugars, no extras – the stuff that isn’t grown and isn’t pure – take it out baby. I ended up giving up coffee before then (HELLO my body can’t experience all of the shock at the same time, I had to ease into it so gave up coffee early). In the end though? It’s not about the healthy way of living, although that’s important and detoxing/cleansing my body was awesome. Loved how I felt!

It’s about where we go with God. What can we learn? How can we hear Him better (which – you’ll be amazed, your ears are so much more open). I even blogged about it – just not here. I blogged on our Christ’s Place blog (click on over, I wasn’t the only one. I was joined by some amazing women who taught me much throughout these three weeks!).

I have no clue what else I had been planning on writing so I’ll just start reflecting  again Looking back, it was challenging, it was fun at the same time and inspiring and frustrating still. Amazing how all three of those can co-exist. But as I think back to that experience and what I have learned, what I have kept with me I realize that while there was no earth shattering moment of clarity that has totally rocked my world and changed my life overnight – that’s okay. Why I always expect these or long for these I don’t know.

Instead, our God is a God of quiet consistency of just being who He is. And really I’m learning that it is our heart’s delight when we continue to get to know that and apply it, wrap our hearts around it and just enjoy, just enjoy being safe and loved in His presence.

That is a truth, a solid foundation that can get us through some pretty tough times that while still may rock our world to the core – that core is not rocked. Realizing this is a pretty great thing. Everything else around us may be shaking, what feels like an earthquake I’m sure, but we can stand in the middle, on a solid foundation and know we won’t be falling down.

I’ll take that. Yeah, that’ll do.

On another note, I’ve been accused of not being confident. Of relying on others to give me my confidence instead of finding it myself and this is apparently a turn off. I’ve thought long and hard about this accusation. I’ve re-read what I’ve written. I’ve searched deep. I’ve thought about who I am, who I want to be.

Did it hurt? Oh yeah. Not the searching, but the accusation. There are times when I get frustrated w/ myself b/c my first initial thought is self-reflection – but I’ve decided that’s a very good thing and anyone who disagrees has an opinion that doesn’t matter to me. If more people approached the world this way we could stop pointing fingers, at least initially out of anger and out of habit.

Then I thought about who I am, really. And throughout my life having confidence, at times not, at times confidence in some areas and not others and even the circumstances of life which may or may not have affected that. I’ve come to at least a temporary conclusion in a few different areas. First of all, we surround ourselves with individuals who as we let them in and the closer we let them in, the more vulnerable we get – the more opened up we are to hurt we give them the ability to sway that confidence. Funny how the most important people while building you up can tear you down in the same breath without knowing it. It’s a risk we take. I am not immune to playing that role unfortunately – but guess what? NONE of us are. We ALL do it, sometimes unconsciously.

I’ve done it to Raymonn plenty, especially that time right before dinner – you know the time I’m talking about Moms. We leave work, get a 3 minute drive to ourselves (if we’re not finishing up a call or calling someone back). Pick up our little loves and it’s a barrage of squeals, singing and chatting about our days. Head home and attempt to get everything and everyone in the house. Kids are hungry so we try to direct them to a healthy snack that won’t ruin dinner, throw the extra dishes in the dishwasher, try to reshuffle the shoes, coat, school books and papers that somehow have marked a trail of where kids have been. We are trying to get dinner started with a hungry one year old who doesn’t want down, a four year old who needs help peeling the orange and a husband who also is trying to convey something really important that must be said right at that moment. The “piranha hour” as Max Lucado once perfectly described it. And that’s just the beginning of our evening. I know that the frustration of not being able to be all things to all people in that moment has showed up and showed up fiercely and unfortunately the one that  bears the brunt of it is Raymonn. I am not consciously there for him, I’m trying but it’s not working and it unfortunately screams “You aren’t important in this moment!” Which is not 100% accurate, unfortunately it’s not 100% false either. I wish it could be and I know that the impact on him with his personality is great. It’s something I’m conscious of and trying to work on. I want to build up his confidence as well. I have attempted to tell him multiple times through text, emails, cards, words, actions, etc. but definitely something for me to continue working on. It’s important.

So, point being. I’m guilty too.

Second thought – some might, and do say that confidence is something that should be so core to who you are that it is unwavering. I have found this to be semi-true but in all honesty not spot on. Maybe it should be. Maybe I’m the one with the problem here.  Maybe I shouldn’t be writing. Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing. I had thought, that while I write 100% for myself, perhaps being honest also could provide some encouragement. Because let’s face it – I am not okay with the “I’ll blog about what I had for dinner and the errands that I ran” stuff. For some, they love it, they need it and it’s great. I read those blogs too! I love getting caught up on my friends’ lives – but for me? I need to process, I need to work some stuff out no matter what it happens to be at that moment. I just choose to push “publish” on a lot in hopes that there was someone, somewhere who needed to know that they weren’t alone in feeling the same way.

I also know that this opens me up to criticism. That in being so honest with strangers that it opens me up to those who think they know me and make their own judgements about the rest of me. I’m okay with that too. It’s false. But I’m okay with it. If I have a huge problem with it then I need to shut down the blog and go buy a journal or something.

So I figured I’d just set some things straight. Although it’s been a journey, b/c life is a journey – I AM confident in who I am. Not 100% of the time with 100% of things. I have my moments of doubt where I need to go back and make sure of a few things, questioning and self-reflection to make sure I’m on the right path, making the right decisions however does NOT scream “I”M UNCONFIDENT!” No, it quietly says, “I’m going to check myself first to make sure if I need to change anything to better this situation, I will.” And though I may not walk into a room and naturally command it with my presence, I like who I am. So there.

I do NOT wait on others to build this up in me. I will apologize if it has appeared this way. One of the things I love most about my faith is that I know who I am in and to God. Can I be honest? If everyone else disappeared, if everyone else’s opinion of me swayed toward the negative – that would suck, and I would cry and it would hurt, but I know I am loved and I know I was important enough for an innocent man (really God) to be murdered for and to rise again. And I have developed a habit of going to Him for the truth. Have I listened to the lies of the enemy before? Yeah. I sure have. I will again because I’m human. I falter, I waiver. I even fall down. But I have someone who picks me up and reminds me of who I am in Him. THAT my friends is where my confidence is built up. Ultimately He is all I need.

And I’ll even say this – I’m a darn good Mom. You see my thought process, my concerns, the whole, “Am I doing this right?” and “Can I set my children up with enough money for the therapy they’ll most likely need when I’m done with this?” moments and questions. I share them with you and we all have them, but it doesn’t define ultimately who I think I am as a Mama to two amazing kids. And whether it’s politically correct to say this or not I’ll just say it again. I. Am. A. Good. Mom.

So while I am open and honest about questions and things that I am processing, learning, and growing through – do not mistake that for weakness. Do not mistake that for any conclusion that could be drawn about who I am and who you think I am. Take those moments for what they are, moments. Tiny pieces that make up the whole of me, but realize that it’s like a puzzle and never will 100% of those pieces be on this blog.

I’m  not perfect. I’m a work in progress. But I know who I am as a child of God, as a Mom, as a friend, and as a wife. Rest assured, I can weather any storm that may come, that’s something I’m 100% confident about.

Our friend was telling us about an individual he had met at work who was there to help install some type of equipment. He was clearly nervous. Turns out he had worked with my friend’s boss or had been involved in the youth camps years before. He would act up only to irritate our current lead pastor of the church and was nervous to run into him again even all these years later, having grown up. I giggled at some of the antics he had pulled but what struck me was his comment that he had grown up in a Christian home, he knows about Jesus, loves Jesus but got so tired of failing all the time, trying to be the person he thought he needed to be, the “good Christian” (whatever that definition consists of) that he just kind of threw his hands up in the air and said, “Forget it. I can’t do this, I’ve failed too many times. I’m going to live life the way I want to live it and deal w/ the consequences later.”

His story both struck me and has stuck with me. I made a comment that grace is a harder concept to grasp and to really live than one might think. For some it’s easy. For some who fall they get right back up, having 100% total faith in the God who says He’ll pick us back up and keep on stepping. For others of us, it’s the hardest thing ever. Not that we don’t trust God’s intentions of forgiveness but to accept and to really live a life defined by that accepted grace and to accept it for OURSELVES – that’s the kicker. It is something I have just only now been learning to do – to show myself grace. To really in the depths of my heart believe God at his word that he forgives and loves me the same and then forgive myself.

Prayse has done an excellent job showing me this actually. The nights when I just lose my temper, have a short fuse and need to go ask for forgiveness it is given immediately. It’s a humbling experience to be forgiven by a four year old.

I have also been reading AW Tozer’s The Pursuit of God. I have learned so much already and this morning was thrown back into last Friday’s conversation and received such a gift with these words:

The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One.

I have re-read this no less than five times. It became clear. I’ve had my eyes on the wrong thing. I kept looking inward, kept looking at what the imperfections were, what needed fixed, what needs changed, what needs to be better… but that’s the absolute wrong thing. If I keep my eyes on the one who is perfect, not in comparison but just in awe, in love, with a spirit of willingness to learn about HIM, not about me and my failures but just learning about His character – I can find real relief.

Stop tinkering with my soul. So good. So, so good.

Is it just my control freak nature? Maybe. I can admit to that. But I have seen too many people, experienced it myself when I was younger and even early on in our marriage that will say, “We’ve just grown apart.” Which I believe is code for a plethora of other excuses/issues that have developed over a period of time.

I didn’t always work at my marriage. I didn’t know I was supposed to. I thought I had fallen in love, we got married, life would just continue on this golden, diamond and chocolate covered road. Life would be good. I just had to keep on living my life the way I always had, the way I wanted to.

Raymonn and I both realized one day how unhappy we were. Extremely unhappy. Neither of us were working on our marriage. Neither of us were making a CHOICE to love each other everyday. We left it to happenstance. We assumed we had said “I do” and therefore the hard work was done. Okay, maybe not quite that naive, but looking back it seemed close.

In the wake of yet another Hollywood breakup of individuals who just “grew apart” and me being the annoying individual that continually thinks back on past conversations I’ve had and things I’ve said, responses I got, things I’d do/say differently the next time (am I the only one who does this by the way?) – I still stand behind my words, maybe not the timing or the audience, but nevertheless I stand behind my beliefs.

Love is a choice. It’s a choice I make everyday. It’s a choice that when you don’t like someone that day b/c of whatever reason, love is the foundation, love is what overrides that one particular day, love is what reminds me not to dwell on whatever little thing that drives me nuts (hopefully reminds R of the same about all of my idiosyncrasies – ha!). I CHOOSE love. The more I choose it, the more natural it becomes and is not constantly on the forefront of my mind, but I still choose it.

I refuse to leave something that is of the utmost importance up to something that is out of my control, something that can change and become eroded even slowly, almost imperceptibly – instead I make it a priority, pay attention to it, and make sure it is one of my greatest successes and hopefully it gets woven into the legacy I will someday leave behind.

So, this thing called love? It’s a choice. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

As I started to look through pictures of last year starting in January though it was such a great exercise to remember moments I’d forgotten and laugh at priceless memories we created. So while this is to certainly share with you our 2011, this is mostly for me because I do not want to forget.

January

We kicked off the new year in style. I turned 30 on January 8th and to celebrate we did it right. Major movie stars, front row seats… we rocked it baby. Now THIS is how you usher in your 30′s.

We went out for sushi later that night and oh yes, I was 20 weeks pregnant with Xavier so in his own special way he partied with us.

Speaking of Xavier, January was the first time we got to lay eyes on our son and of course was told we were having a son! Prayse got bored and started using the phone to call people… but it was still a great moment, especially to see the look on R’s face when it was confirmed he’d have a son.

But just like always we continued to work hard to achieve what we’d set out to achieve in this brand new year.

February

One of our focuses this year was to make new connections and make sure we cherished, valued and grew current friendships. I’d say we were successful.

March

March was chock full of activities. My Grandma had been diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year and in March she was still going through chemotherapy. We made sure that she got the extra “I Love You’s” and cuddles that in reality should be a part of our everyday life. Hopefully we’ve established it as such.

Great Aunt Denise came to visit so we had to show her our stuff.

Big big news – we signed the purchase agreement to buy a new house! We spent 9 months looking for one that could out do this particular one and couldn’t find it so we made the offer and signed the agreement.

We also made our annual pilgrimage to Texarkana to visit the Adams clan. Oh the fun and stories that we always walk away with. Dominoes are a fact of life round these parts. Plus, it’s great to see the look of joy and contentment when R is around his family, at home.

Miss P loves her Nana.

One of the best things about going home is the COUSINS! P is never short on family to play with and she loves having girl cousins to hang out with.

Then of course there’s Honest Charlies. Whaddya mean you don’t trust this guy to give you a fair deal?? He’s HONEST Charlie.

Back at home we continued to do things the way we always do – dance school. You better bring your A game though b/c there’s a very strict teacher.

We have a saying in our house, that we may or may not have borrowed. “Don’t hate. God ain’t through with me yet.” I think it applies here.

April

April was a big month. Hang on to your socks. Not only was April big, but so was I at 32 weeks.

We closed on OUR house! Welcome home Miss P!

Xavier in his room…

Welcome to the land of construction, it started Day 1.

Praysie went roller skating for the first time.

Anything that gets her to hold my hand I’m down for.

There was a little bit of this action too.

We took a family vacation to the Dells with my sister, brother-in-law, and parents. So much fun!

I was only mistaken for a beached whale once. All things considered, I took that as a good thing.

Mini-golfing among the fishies. Some random toast to the baby? Yeah, we’ll go with that.

We came home to more construction of course.

April was also our first “Bring Your Kids to Work Day” experience. P killed it, watch out world.

Easter!

Probably one of the most exciting things for us as parents, because of who we are of course, is that Missy P started her first “season” of track!

There was no stopping her.

May

We had a lot of fun in May! Just being us and hanging out at home really. Prayse started dancing this year, well she always has but this year was with some professional direction

It was fun to watch her at her program. She even performed once out of the three shows!

Rockin out with Daddy.

Xavier was coming soon (this was 5 days before he made his arrival).

So we did all the things that one must do to get ready for a baby! Pedicures. (In my defense, the nesting instinct was full swing, but my house had no floor, construction everywhere, nothing finished, getting painted, no kitchen countertops, my oven was on top of a counter… can we say pregnant lady breakdown?)

Ready or not (and we were not), Xavier decided that he should perhaps make his entrance. This was the morning he was born, while I was at home giving Prayse a bath. I may have perhaps been in a bit of denial, or maybe apprehensive to tell my hubby the news since we were supposed to move into our house the next day, or there may have even been a bit of panic over the fact that I couldn’t find anyone to watch Prayse. So I did what anyone would do, I drew a bath for my three year old and started taking deep breaths.

But he decided he was coming anyway.

One of my all-time favorites from the year.

And suddenly we were a family of four.

After a few days we FINALLY got to move into our house. What a relief, bringing a newborn to an empty townhouse save a few boxes, a murphy bed and a fan… no bueno people.

And we just enjoyed and snuggled our little bundle of joy.

June

June, my first month of maternity leave. June was just about surviving adjusting to a new life with a new baby, Prayse staying home over the summer and being out numbered. But we enjoyed it and each other.

Pretty certain I have the most awesomest family there is. Just sayin.

Of course when you’ve got Ferguson blood in ya, you’ve got to get some good fishing in.

July

Somehow Xavier sneaked out of the newborn stage right into infant. I’m not quite sure how it happened right under my nose…

Daddy showed Prayse how to camp… Raymonn style anyway (two computers, two fans, movies, popcorn, a plethora of snacks… but the important thing is they spent the whole night outside!)

The biggest event of the month? My baby girl turned FOUR. She’s obviously not following our “not allowed to grow up” rule. Don’t worry, we had a talk about that.

We got smarter about the birthday party this year. We at least made sure there was air conditioning near by (unlike last year’s 108 degree birthday party at the park). So we set up the fun at home!

Ya just gotta have your girls, no matter your age.

August

In August we had a lot of fun, took a trip, did some fun things together out back and did NOT involve construction dust. The important stuff

X is having “so” much fun.

Our impromptu family trip to Denver!

I promise you he really does love when big sister holds him… most of the time anyway.

And my lovey girl started a new preschool. Starting a new school is hard no matter the age and I am so proud of her! We’ve had our challenges and adjustments but she’s rockin it.

September

September I started back at work. I figured it would be a little bit easier the second time around, but turns out I figured wrong. Still though, we adjusted!

We made sure we still got some play time in when it was nice out.

And I may or may not have played hooky one day to take the kiddos to Vala’s Pumpkin Patch.

Some friends got married which was fun but even more fun to see my clan all dressed up and looking so good.

Miss P continues to work really hard and do great in school!

October

October was yet another month full of joy and kiddos growing up. They have always been so content with each other.

Truth in advertising, when you attempt to take a photo of my family, 99% of them turn out like this. It’s who we really are at our core I guess.

We met a brand new friend.

And we prepared for Halloween with a toast. “Cheers!”

My baby boy ate his first cereal and turned five months old!

Happy Halloween!

November

November started with construction as we began to demo and re-build the basement (and by “we” I mean a contractor)… surprise! Who would have thought? Construction? In our house?

We managed to have some fun even with all of the construction dust and my OCD kicking in… but fun nonetheless!

Tongue tattoos aren’t the norm at your house? Err… ours either.

We started Prayse in swim lessons this summer and continue down the lifesaving path. My little no fear daredevil needs some skills to back up her spunk!

Date nights are a big thing in the Adams house. The cute couple was on their way for dinner and a movie (Smurfs!).

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

December

December was almost a shock to my system! The year went so fast, like all of them I suppose. But with all of the changes in this past year December wasn’t even a thought on my mind until it knocked on our door.

We had our first (and really only legit) snow thus far. We of course had to take advantage. We being Mama and Prayse, our southern boy still is not getting outside in that snow, he stayed inside with the short boy.

Xavier continues to grow up. For the life of me I cannot get him to stop no matter what I do. I look at this picture and can tell he’s so innocent. Not sure what I’ve gotten myself into with this one…

Our basement was finished just before Christmas. Dare I dream of an end to construction??

Christmas was enjoyed in a few different times/places – but it was with family and that’s all that matters. My big boy’s first Christmas present!

Missy P with the soon-to-be newest family member.

Prayse’s letter to Santa that she set out on the “Christmas picnic” in front of the fireplace.

New Year’s Eve was spent having fun with cousins!

What a year! New cancer diagnosis and recovery, new baby, new house, new job, new friends, new blessings. We are so lucky and so blessed to have each other and the life we live. 2011 flew by with laughter and fun memories. Bring 0n 2012, we’re ready and excited to see what it has in store for us!

]]> http://clearepic.com/2012/01/the-adams-family-2011/feed/ 9 http://clearepic.com/2012/01/helper/ http://clearepic.com/2012/01/helper/#comments Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:57:35 +0000 Tiffany http://clearepic.com/?p=2088 This morning I actually got up when my alarm went off (kind of) to grab the desperately needed quiet time. I have come to the conclusion, if I don’t do my part then I absolutely cannot be frustrated at time, my life and to-do’s, my children or my husband. If I am unwilling to climb out of bed while everyone is still sleeping then that’s on me. I remember a sermon from a few years ago that our lead pastor preached to begin the year called “Keep Swinging.” Two years ago and those words reverberate through my head if not daily then certainly weekly, “Keep Swinging.” Applicable to anything we do in life. Going after a goal? Keep swinging. Pissed because you just ate 6 donuts on a diet? Don’t be mad, just keep swinging. Desire to really grow in your faith and build a rock solid relationship with the God who made you? Keep. Swinging. Get out of bed, don’t stop the fight – b/c you’re in one. We’re all in one. Keep Swinging.

So believe it or not this is not what I was actually intending to write about! My mind just goes places, tangents. This morning I was reading in my new devotional (on the Kindle baby!) about Genesis 2:21-24. The whole week is about the 1st three chapters of the book, today focused on this word. This one little word, this one word that I give Prayse praise for being and at the same time have for years cringed when it’s referred to myself.

“Helper.”

What is it with us women that this word just automatically can get our goats up? (What does this phrase even mean? I’m going to have to do some googling later – let’s stick with “ruffle our feathers”). I remember in college hating this verse, why even in the most perfect setting was I just someone’s “helper”? It got worse as a punishment to want to desire him but he’ll rule over me. I would be so angry with God and the Bible – totally unchristian right?

The past few years I’ve understood more and more how to be a servant in different walks of life. I have even been at peace with this area the more I’ve studied and had explained to me the original Greek context. This morning I realized however, that it seems easier when we think about and talk about serving – our thoughts automatically move outward.  An extra gift in the offering, feeding hungry children around the world, painting the house of the elderly next door neighbor. All good. All noble. All needed.

What about our husbands? What about my husband? The Hebrew word for our translation of “helper” is “ezerl” and used 22 times in the Bible – used a lot to describe God as a helper. That’s kind of amazing right? It’s an honor really and a huge responsibility. I loved loved loved this additional description of helper from the book:

The woman who is a helper to her husband is not just at his side, she is on his side. She has her own distinct personality and gifts, her own abilities, her own interests. But above all, in the servant role to beautifully modeled by Christ, she is her husband’s greatest advocate. Being his helper doesn’t mean she follows behind him picking up his dirty clothes and serving his every whim. It means she stands next to him as his equal, and they lovingly serve each other, with the full knowledge that at times serving might take the form of picking up those dirty clothes.

“His greatest advocate.” It’s funny how sometimes it’s easier to let others be our husbands’ greatest advocate. This is not to say we need to jump up and down and shower false enthusiasm with every new idea that they have (wait, am I the only one married to an ultra-entrepreneur? Well, you have your own things with your hubs). Sometimes I admit that emotionally it is so much easier to let others take the advocate role. Especially when knowing myself I can get emotionally invested in a project that doesn’t move forward, and then it really does take an emotional toll. Not sure if my hubby even realizes it. So the next time it’s harder to get as involved, as enthusiastic.

I think though that I can strike a balance and still be his greatest advocate. It can span every area of his life and personality. It’s a challenge to me this day, that’s for sure. It’s like God was saying, “You serious about having more of Me? You serious about growing in your faith and knowing me more? It starts at home. It starts with the man I gave you to love, honor and yes, even serve. Be his advocate. Be his greatest cheerleader, nobody must out do you at this.”

Okay then. Let’s not start with this grandiose if I save the whole entire world THEN I’m growing in my faith. Nope. I’m going to start with the man of my life. Honoring him, being his advocate, being his helper. That’s my starting point this year.

I’m also reflective. Tomorrow begins the start of something new. Not just this whole concept of now being “in my 30′s” and not just “30″ which in and of itself seems a bit bizarre. Somehow being 30 felt cooler, but maybe that’s just me

No, tomorrow begins something very new. A new chapter, a new journey, a walk that I am so excited about and at the same time nervous for. For me it started almost one year ago today and started to culminate this past November…

“Is it even possible?” I wondered, pulling myself away from my momentary daydream to focus on the current task at hand, “I just don’t see it.” And I kept working, kept giving my clients and my employer the same 110% as I always did, just taking one small minute to dream and to wonder – is it possible?

It’s a real scene that was played out countless times the eleven months previous. It was replayed again as I was in Milwaukee driving in heavy traffic, getting back to the airport missing my kiddos, chest beyond hurting as I had given up nursing - for a number of reasons, one of which knowing I had two more weeks of travel that month alone and it would only increase. And so I asked myself the same questions I’d been asking since January 2011.

“Is it possible to increase my income and not be on the road away from my family?”

“Is it possible to do what I love and not be away from my babies?”

“Can I still be a leader in an organization, inspiring other women, and not sacrifice the four-year-old someday woman I have at home?”

“Can I have it all? Is it possible?”

“Is it even possible?”

It’s funny how when you start to dream a bit, even if the edges are fuzzy and you don’t have any clarity or detail, but just a general concept and you start vocalizing it, the push back you will receive. From my boss? No way. From my friends and family? Nope. From me. Countless times I’d ask these questions, I’d pray for an answer and in the very next breath I’d think, “How selfish are you? To think you can have what others want but don’t have. Look around you!! Do you see ANYONE with this? No. Quit being stupid.”

Sound familiar? Although now, I believe it was an enemy – one who loves to allow us to kill our dreams, he puts the thoughts in our heads and we abandon what we desire.

He had a point however. Everywhere I looked I saw successful people, wonderful, kind, genuine, successful people. And everywhere I looked I saw different paths that I could take and find that same success. Oh the opportunities were there, no doubt about it. But for me, I couldn’t take that step. I couldn’t take the step to head toward a goal of the ultimate definition of success.

You see for me, without my family, I am weak. I am tense, I am not 100% focused and there. Away from my family traveling every week or even every other week, I could have increased my income exponentially – and at the end of the day come home to kiddos who grew up again over night and a hubby who is wonderful, amazing, awesome, and frustrated that he cannot work the way he wants toward his goals and dreams because being a single Dad while Mom is traveling is hard and he’s wondering just when he signed up for this. Without my source of strength and laughter I am not as good as I could be. I recognized that. And so this ceiling I talk about sometimes? It was there and I was pressing up against it. It was a self-imposed ceiling in this instance however, self-imposed for the good of all – myself, my family and even my employer. What a tension though, to  desire more, to want to do more, pursue bigger goals and dang it, conquer them. But not seeing a  way to do so without the sacrifices I was not willing to make.

And so I asked the questions, knowing there would be an answer at some point, and continued to do my job and do it well. For eleven months. It was strange because I was not frustrated in the process. Knowing I was asking and praying gave me a peace. It allowed me to know I was at least asking and trusting and gave me a peace about what I was currently doing as well. I had no idea when or how the answers would come.

Turns out, they came in a phone call in rush hour traffic in Milwaukee, when I least expected it.

It’s risky, no doubt about it. A start up company. Even with a solid platform and product and an even more solid leadership team. It’s still risky. It was doubly risky for us, as a family we’d be taking a hit financially. A big one. But the opportunities. Oh the opportunities. To work with a team, strategizing about how to take a product to market. Making mistakes and learning and finding success. Working with a strong woman who I have admired for six years. The vision set before me of having a succession plan, being a part of a succession plan – critical to someone so goal oriented. Not that I couldn’t deal with ambiguity and trust it’d be there, I could. I have. But to have something laid out in front of me and knowing I’ll have to work really hard and learn a lot but see the path lined with people, hands raised to help me accomplish that goal? That is priceless.

To have a team who says, “I’ve put my family behind my dreams and goals, I’ve hugged them good-bye too many times while I’ve gotten on a plane. I won’t do it again. I can do this better and smarter and WILL. I expect the same from you.” Can it be? Can it really be? One of the hardest decisions in my life, one that brought many sleepless nights. Hours of conversation with Raymonn, even more hours of self-reflection at my computer, in prayer, in the Word.

At the end of the day it came down to one thing, one burning question that no matter how I looked at it I wanted to know the answer – “Is this the answer to the prayer I’ve been praying the past eleven months? Is this God saying ‘yes.’?” Well, I had to find out. If the chances to attain all of my dreams – professional and personal were there and say the chances were 1 in 100, I’m going for it. Swinging for the fences, as one good friend put it.

I walked away from every security I had built the past six years, away from amazing clients and friends. It was hard. But I am excited. I begin a new chapter, a new year literally and feel a huge sense of peace that this is the beginning of yet another new journey, a time to grow and learn. And I figure, if you’re going to dream big dreams, ask for big things, you’d better be willing to take the big leap when the opportunity presents itself.

So here we go, a new era. Bring it on.

Last night during the Christmas Eve service at our church you were not far from my mind. I thought, “Wow. Already two Christmases without you.” Although, what a difference a year makes. Last year my heart was so heavy. I sat close to your lovey at dinner who did not feel good, who was physically sick which I’m sure added to the emotional misery. I looked around the table and around the room and your absence shouted volumes. It screamed at us as we tried to block it out and enjoy each other, enjoy the evening, enjoy being with your wife – but in the midst of our smiles, the absence of you was clear in everyone’s eyes. We all kept stealing looks at Grandma and in the moments of emotional weakness, the cracks in our hearts were quite evident.

You were missed. You still, are missed.

But a year brings a lot. A year of turbulence, of pain and of exhilaration at what God has done and is doing. Singing last night and thinking of you, excited for you. True excitement, not just an attempt because I know in my heart I was supposed to be happy for you – but truly knowing and accepting that you were spending this Christmas with our Savior himself and celebrating the sacrifice He made for you, for us. It was a good feeling. I can honestly say I was happy for you.

I still miss you. I’m sitting here in tears because I would love to be with you. I want to see you interacting with my son. I want to see you singing to him. I want to see you talking with Prayse, letting her paint your nails again because you’re such a good sport. I do. I want that. But a year does bring healing. Our God is faithful. And though I’ll never stop wanting all of that, and though I’ll never stop yearning for one more kiss, one more hug. I can honestly say I am grateful. I am grateful for a faith that allows me peace and joy in the fact that you are loving this moment, singing and praising with the rest of heaven this Christmas morning. And I can smile through the tears.

Here’s a small taste of what you’re missing though. Aren’t they beautiful?

I love you Grandad. Merry Christmas.

I’ve also found myself lost in thought as I think about this Christmas, our first with our son, and Mary, her first with her son. I have never really gotten out of my mind the verse in Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” It seems like such a random thing just thrown in the story amidst the crazy, painful, but exhilarating birth of her son who by the way was already declared to be the Messiah, the host of heavenly angels putting on a concert in the sky, the shepherds who rushed in smelling of sweat and sheep poop but who probably fit right in seeing as how He was born in a stable – but they worshiped, fell to the ground and worshiped her baby.

I remember after having Prayse and there being a lot of people in the room later, wanting them all to just leave, being sore and wanting to have my baby to myself. Here was Mary, with men rushing in and falling to the ground to worship her son.

She treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. I think God knew Mamas would read this, and just get it. I think he knew that the significance of this one line would shout volumes to Mamas for centuries – we’d read the story, stop with this one line and say, “yeah, I get that.”

I was reading a commentary on this and found that “spiritual writers point out that is it not so much a ‘weighing up’ as allowing matters not fully understood to reside in one’s depths where they can be treasured and quietly reflected on as is appropriate. When a boat or a ship was entering shallow water, a ‘pondus’ or weight on a line was used to get an idea of how close the bottom of the sea was. We have a saying, ‘to get to the bottom of it’, meaning to probe and be able to see what currently is not obvious.”

I’m guessing this commentary was written by a man. I appreciate the background and Latin meaning of “pondus.” They did have one thing right, these are the moments that reside in the depths, the depths of our soul. For a Mama, we treasure and we ponder both the big and the seemingly small, the miracle of life, the little fingers who grasp onto ours as our babies are falling asleep. The sweet smell of their breath in the still of the night when all should be sleeping and are with the exception of us, either because we’re rocking our loves just one minute longer and falling more in love, or we’ve been driven out of bed just to check, just to make sure that yes, yes indeed, they’re still there, they’re still ours. And we are amazed.

Mary, well Mary what conflicting emotions. This was her son, her firstborn, her love. She had labored and successfully brought life into this world and her world was rocked, she fell deeper into love than she ever thought possible. I know that was her first thought. Her second though is one I’ll never know, “He is my Savior.” I heard the end of a reading on the radio this week from the viewpoint of Mary, as she picked up her son, held him closely cheek to cheek and all of the world was still, except the sweet breath of God. I just sat. I get that.

I have thought of this often the past week as I’m rocking a sick little boy to sleep, picking up my son who just hasn’t felt good. I thought, Mary did all of this too. For all of the glory and the wonder, Jesus was a newborn who needed to be rocked to sleep, who grabbed at his Mama’s hair, who was teething and needed some extra cuddles, who sometimes – just needed Mama. And I bet, she still treasured and pondered.

Silent from all of the chatter, from the Christmas carols, from the excitement and family and guests and glitter and cooking and hustle and bustle – it is easy to treasure and ponder. And I have a lot to treasure.

Merry Christmas friends, may you recognize the moments that are here and gone in an instant and may you treasure and ponder this coming year.