Is it just my control freak nature? Maybe. I can admit to that. But I have seen too many people, experienced it myself when I was younger and even early on in our marriage that will say, “We’ve just grown apart.” Which I believe is code for a plethora of other excuses/issues that have developed over a period of time.

I didn’t always work at my marriage. I didn’t know I was supposed to. I thought I had fallen in love, we got married, life would just continue on this golden, diamond and chocolate covered road. Life would be good. I just had to keep on living my life the way I always had, the way I wanted to.

Raymonn and I both realized one day how unhappy we were. Extremely unhappy. Neither of us were working on our marriage. Neither of us were making a CHOICE to love each other everyday. We left it to happenstance. We assumed we had said “I do” and therefore the hard work was done. Okay, maybe not quite that naive, but looking back it seemed close.

In the wake of yet another Hollywood breakup of individuals who just “grew apart” and me being the annoying individual that continually thinks back on past conversations I’ve had and things I’ve said, responses I got, things I’d do/say differently the next time (am I the only one who does this by the way?) – I still stand behind my words, maybe not the timing or the audience, but nevertheless I stand behind my beliefs.

Love is a choice. It’s a choice I make everyday. It’s a choice that when you don’t like someone that day b/c of whatever reason, love is the foundation, love is what overrides that one particular day, love is what reminds me not to dwell on whatever little thing that drives me nuts (hopefully reminds R of the same about all of my idiosyncrasies – ha!). I CHOOSE love. The more I choose it, the more natural it becomes and is not constantly on the forefront of my mind, but I still choose it.

I refuse to leave something that is of the utmost importance up to something that is out of my control, something that can change and become eroded even slowly, almost imperceptibly – instead I make it a priority, pay attention to it, and make sure it is one of my greatest successes and hopefully it gets woven into the legacy I will someday leave behind.

So, this thing called love? It’s a choice. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

As I started to look through pictures of last year starting in January though it was such a great exercise to remember moments I’d forgotten and laugh at priceless memories we created. So while this is to certainly share with you our 2011, this is mostly for me because I do not want to forget.

January

We kicked off the new year in style. I turned 30 on January 8th and to celebrate we did it right. Major movie stars, front row seats… we rocked it baby. Now THIS is how you usher in your 30′s.

We went out for sushi later that night and oh yes, I was 20 weeks pregnant with Xavier so in his own special way he partied with us.

Speaking of Xavier, January was the first time we got to lay eyes on our son and of course was told we were having a son! Prayse got bored and started using the phone to call people… but it was still a great moment, especially to see the look on R’s face when it was confirmed he’d have a son.

But just like always we continued to work hard to achieve what we’d set out to achieve in this brand new year.

February

One of our focuses this year was to make new connections and make sure we cherished, valued and grew current friendships. I’d say we were successful.

March

March was chock full of activities. My Grandma had been diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year and in March she was still going through chemotherapy. We made sure that she got the extra “I Love You’s” and cuddles that in reality should be a part of our everyday life. Hopefully we’ve established it as such.

Great Aunt Denise came to visit so we had to show her our stuff.

Big big news – we signed the purchase agreement to buy a new house! We spent 9 months looking for one that could out do this particular one and couldn’t find it so we made the offer and signed the agreement.

We also made our annual pilgrimage to Texarkana to visit the Adams clan. Oh the fun and stories that we always walk away with. Dominoes are a fact of life round these parts. Plus, it’s great to see the look of joy and contentment when R is around his family, at home.

Miss P loves her Nana.

One of the best things about going home is the COUSINS! P is never short on family to play with and she loves having girl cousins to hang out with.

Then of course there’s Honest Charlies. Whaddya mean you don’t trust this guy to give you a fair deal?? He’s HONEST Charlie.

Back at home we continued to do things the way we always do – dance school. You better bring your A game though b/c there’s a very strict teacher.

We have a saying in our house, that we may or may not have borrowed. “Don’t hate. God ain’t through with me yet.” I think it applies here.

April

April was a big month. Hang on to your socks. Not only was April big, but so was I at 32 weeks.

We closed on OUR house! Welcome home Miss P!

Xavier in his room…

Welcome to the land of construction, it started Day 1.

Praysie went roller skating for the first time.

Anything that gets her to hold my hand I’m down for.

There was a little bit of this action too.

We took a family vacation to the Dells with my sister, brother-in-law, and parents. So much fun!

I was only mistaken for a beached whale once. All things considered, I took that as a good thing.

Mini-golfing among the fishies. Some random toast to the baby? Yeah, we’ll go with that.

We came home to more construction of course.

April was also our first “Bring Your Kids to Work Day” experience. P killed it, watch out world.

Easter!

Probably one of the most exciting things for us as parents, because of who we are of course, is that Missy P started her first “season” of track!

There was no stopping her.

May

We had a lot of fun in May! Just being us and hanging out at home really. Prayse started dancing this year, well she always has but this year was with some professional direction

It was fun to watch her at her program. She even performed once out of the three shows!

Rockin out with Daddy.

Xavier was coming soon (this was 5 days before he made his arrival).

So we did all the things that one must do to get ready for a baby! Pedicures. (In my defense, the nesting instinct was full swing, but my house had no floor, construction everywhere, nothing finished, getting painted, no kitchen countertops, my oven was on top of a counter… can we say pregnant lady breakdown?)

Ready or not (and we were not), Xavier decided that he should perhaps make his entrance. This was the morning he was born, while I was at home giving Prayse a bath. I may have perhaps been in a bit of denial, or maybe apprehensive to tell my hubby the news since we were supposed to move into our house the next day, or there may have even been a bit of panic over the fact that I couldn’t find anyone to watch Prayse. So I did what anyone would do, I drew a bath for my three year old and started taking deep breaths.

But he decided he was coming anyway.

One of my all-time favorites from the year.

And suddenly we were a family of four.

After a few days we FINALLY got to move into our house. What a relief, bringing a newborn to an empty townhouse save a few boxes, a murphy bed and a fan… no bueno people.

And we just enjoyed and snuggled our little bundle of joy.

June

June, my first month of maternity leave. June was just about surviving adjusting to a new life with a new baby, Prayse staying home over the summer and being out numbered. But we enjoyed it and each other.

Pretty certain I have the most awesomest family there is. Just sayin.

Of course when you’ve got Ferguson blood in ya, you’ve got to get some good fishing in.

July

Somehow Xavier sneaked out of the newborn stage right into infant. I’m not quite sure how it happened right under my nose…

Daddy showed Prayse how to camp… Raymonn style anyway (two computers, two fans, movies, popcorn, a plethora of snacks… but the important thing is they spent the whole night outside!)

The biggest event of the month? My baby girl turned FOUR. She’s obviously not following our “not allowed to grow up” rule. Don’t worry, we had a talk about that.

We got smarter about the birthday party this year. We at least made sure there was air conditioning near by (unlike last year’s 108 degree birthday party at the park). So we set up the fun at home!

Ya just gotta have your girls, no matter your age.

August

In August we had a lot of fun, took a trip, did some fun things together out back and did NOT involve construction dust. The important stuff

X is having “so” much fun.

Our impromptu family trip to Denver!

I promise you he really does love when big sister holds him… most of the time anyway.

And my lovey girl started a new preschool. Starting a new school is hard no matter the age and I am so proud of her! We’ve had our challenges and adjustments but she’s rockin it.

September

September I started back at work. I figured it would be a little bit easier the second time around, but turns out I figured wrong. Still though, we adjusted!

We made sure we still got some play time in when it was nice out.

And I may or may not have played hooky one day to take the kiddos to Vala’s Pumpkin Patch.

Some friends got married which was fun but even more fun to see my clan all dressed up and looking so good.

Miss P continues to work really hard and do great in school!

October

October was yet another month full of joy and kiddos growing up. They have always been so content with each other.

Truth in advertising, when you attempt to take a photo of my family, 99% of them turn out like this. It’s who we really are at our core I guess.

We met a brand new friend.

And we prepared for Halloween with a toast. “Cheers!”

My baby boy ate his first cereal and turned five months old!

Happy Halloween!

November

November started with construction as we began to demo and re-build the basement (and by “we” I mean a contractor)… surprise! Who would have thought? Construction? In our house?

We managed to have some fun even with all of the construction dust and my OCD kicking in… but fun nonetheless!

Tongue tattoos aren’t the norm at your house? Err… ours either.

We started Prayse in swim lessons this summer and continue down the lifesaving path. My little no fear daredevil needs some skills to back up her spunk!

Date nights are a big thing in the Adams house. The cute couple was on their way for dinner and a movie (Smurfs!).

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

December

December was almost a shock to my system! The year went so fast, like all of them I suppose. But with all of the changes in this past year December wasn’t even a thought on my mind until it knocked on our door.

We had our first (and really only legit) snow thus far. We of course had to take advantage. We being Mama and Prayse, our southern boy still is not getting outside in that snow, he stayed inside with the short boy.

Xavier continues to grow up. For the life of me I cannot get him to stop no matter what I do. I look at this picture and can tell he’s so innocent. Not sure what I’ve gotten myself into with this one…

Our basement was finished just before Christmas. Dare I dream of an end to construction??

Christmas was enjoyed in a few different times/places – but it was with family and that’s all that matters. My big boy’s first Christmas present!

Missy P with the soon-to-be newest family member.

Prayse’s letter to Santa that she set out on the “Christmas picnic” in front of the fireplace.

New Year’s Eve was spent having fun with cousins!

What a year! New cancer diagnosis and recovery, new baby, new house, new job, new friends, new blessings. We are so lucky and so blessed to have each other and the life we live. 2011 flew by with laughter and fun memories. Bring 0n 2012, we’re ready and excited to see what it has in store for us!

]]> http://clearepic.com/2012/01/the-adams-family-2011/feed/ 7 http://clearepic.com/2012/01/helper/ http://clearepic.com/2012/01/helper/#comments Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:57:35 +0000 Tiffany http://clearepic.com/?p=2088 This morning I actually got up when my alarm went off (kind of) to grab the desperately needed quiet time. I have come to the conclusion, if I don’t do my part then I absolutely cannot be frustrated at time, my life and to-do’s, my children or my husband. If I am unwilling to climb out of bed while everyone is still sleeping then that’s on me. I remember a sermon from a few years ago that our lead pastor preached to begin the year called “Keep Swinging.” Two years ago and those words reverberate through my head if not daily then certainly weekly, “Keep Swinging.” Applicable to anything we do in life. Going after a goal? Keep swinging. Pissed because you just ate 6 donuts on a diet? Don’t be mad, just keep swinging. Desire to really grow in your faith and build a rock solid relationship with the God who made you? Keep. Swinging. Get out of bed, don’t stop the fight – b/c you’re in one. We’re all in one. Keep Swinging.

So believe it or not this is not what I was actually intending to write about! My mind just goes places, tangents. This morning I was reading in my new devotional (on the Kindle baby!) about Genesis 2:21-24. The whole week is about the 1st three chapters of the book, today focused on this word. This one little word, this one word that I give Prayse praise for being and at the same time have for years cringed when it’s referred to myself.

“Helper.”

What is it with us women that this word just automatically can get our goats up? (What does this phrase even mean? I’m going to have to do some googling later – let’s stick with “ruffle our feathers”). I remember in college hating this verse, why even in the most perfect setting was I just someone’s “helper”? It got worse as a punishment to want to desire him but he’ll rule over me. I would be so angry with God and the Bible – totally unchristian right?

The past few years I’ve understood more and more how to be a servant in different walks of life. I have even been at peace with this area the more I’ve studied and had explained to me the original Greek context. This morning I realized however, that it seems easier when we think about and talk about serving – our thoughts automatically move outward.  An extra gift in the offering, feeding hungry children around the world, painting the house of the elderly next door neighbor. All good. All noble. All needed.

What about our husbands? What about my husband? The Hebrew word for our translation of “helper” is “ezerl” and used 22 times in the Bible – used a lot to describe God as a helper. That’s kind of amazing right? It’s an honor really and a huge responsibility. I loved loved loved this additional description of helper from the book:

The woman who is a helper to her husband is not just at his side, she is on his side. She has her own distinct personality and gifts, her own abilities, her own interests. But above all, in the servant role to beautifully modeled by Christ, she is her husband’s greatest advocate. Being his helper doesn’t mean she follows behind him picking up his dirty clothes and serving his every whim. It means she stands next to him as his equal, and they lovingly serve each other, with the full knowledge that at times serving might take the form of picking up those dirty clothes.

“His greatest advocate.” It’s funny how sometimes it’s easier to let others be our husbands’ greatest advocate. This is not to say we need to jump up and down and shower false enthusiasm with every new idea that they have (wait, am I the only one married to an ultra-entrepreneur? Well, you have your own things with your hubs). Sometimes I admit that emotionally it is so much easier to let others take the advocate role. Especially when knowing myself I can get emotionally invested in a project that doesn’t move forward, and then it really does take an emotional toll. Not sure if my hubby even realizes it. So the next time it’s harder to get as involved, as enthusiastic.

I think though that I can strike a balance and still be his greatest advocate. It can span every area of his life and personality. It’s a challenge to me this day, that’s for sure. It’s like God was saying, “You serious about having more of Me? You serious about growing in your faith and knowing me more? It starts at home. It starts with the man I gave you to love, honor and yes, even serve. Be his advocate. Be his greatest cheerleader, nobody must out do you at this.”

Okay then. Let’s not start with this grandiose if I save the whole entire world THEN I’m growing in my faith. Nope. I’m going to start with the man of my life. Honoring him, being his advocate, being his helper. That’s my starting point this year.

I’m also reflective. Tomorrow begins the start of something new. Not just this whole concept of now being “in my 30′s” and not just “30″ which in and of itself seems a bit bizarre. Somehow being 30 felt cooler, but maybe that’s just me

No, tomorrow begins something very new. A new chapter, a new journey, a walk that I am so excited about and at the same time nervous for. For me it started almost one year ago today and started to culminate this past November…

“Is it even possible?” I wondered, pulling myself away from my momentary daydream to focus on the current task at hand, “I just don’t see it.” And I kept working, kept giving my clients and my employer the same 110% as I always did, just taking one small minute to dream and to wonder – is it possible?

It’s a real scene that was played out countless times the eleven months previous. It was replayed again as I was in Milwaukee driving in heavy traffic, getting back to the airport missing my kiddos, chest beyond hurting as I had given up nursing - for a number of reasons, one of which knowing I had two more weeks of travel that month alone and it would only increase. And so I asked myself the same questions I’d been asking since January 2011.

“Is it possible to increase my income and not be on the road away from my family?”

“Is it possible to do what I love and not be away from my babies?”

“Can I still be a leader in an organization, inspiring other women, and not sacrifice the four-year-old someday woman I have at home?”

“Can I have it all? Is it possible?”

“Is it even possible?”

It’s funny how when you start to dream a bit, even if the edges are fuzzy and you don’t have any clarity or detail, but just a general concept and you start vocalizing it, the push back you will receive. From my boss? No way. From my friends and family? Nope. From me. Countless times I’d ask these questions, I’d pray for an answer and in the very next breath I’d think, “How selfish are you? To think you can have what others want but don’t have. Look around you!! Do you see ANYONE with this? No. Quit being stupid.”

Sound familiar? Although now, I believe it was an enemy – one who loves to allow us to kill our dreams, he puts the thoughts in our heads and we abandon what we desire.

He had a point however. Everywhere I looked I saw successful people, wonderful, kind, genuine, successful people. And everywhere I looked I saw different paths that I could take and find that same success. Oh the opportunities were there, no doubt about it. But for me, I couldn’t take that step. I couldn’t take the step to head toward a goal of the ultimate definition of success.

You see for me, without my family, I am weak. I am tense, I am not 100% focused and there. Away from my family traveling every week or even every other week, I could have increased my income exponentially – and at the end of the day come home to kiddos who grew up again over night and a hubby who is wonderful, amazing, awesome, and frustrated that he cannot work the way he wants toward his goals and dreams because being a single Dad while Mom is traveling is hard and he’s wondering just when he signed up for this. Without my source of strength and laughter I am not as good as I could be. I recognized that. And so this ceiling I talk about sometimes? It was there and I was pressing up against it. It was a self-imposed ceiling in this instance however, self-imposed for the good of all – myself, my family and even my employer. What a tension though, to  desire more, to want to do more, pursue bigger goals and dang it, conquer them. But not seeing a  way to do so without the sacrifices I was not willing to make.

And so I asked the questions, knowing there would be an answer at some point, and continued to do my job and do it well. For eleven months. It was strange because I was not frustrated in the process. Knowing I was asking and praying gave me a peace. It allowed me to know I was at least asking and trusting and gave me a peace about what I was currently doing as well. I had no idea when or how the answers would come.

Turns out, they came in a phone call in rush hour traffic in Milwaukee, when I least expected it.

It’s risky, no doubt about it. A start up company. Even with a solid platform and product and an even more solid leadership team. It’s still risky. It was doubly risky for us, as a family we’d be taking a hit financially. A big one. But the opportunities. Oh the opportunities. To work with a team, strategizing about how to take a product to market. Making mistakes and learning and finding success. Working with a strong woman who I have admired for six years. The vision set before me of having a succession plan, being a part of a succession plan – critical to someone so goal oriented. Not that I couldn’t deal with ambiguity and trust it’d be there, I could. I have. But to have something laid out in front of me and knowing I’ll have to work really hard and learn a lot but see the path lined with people, hands raised to help me accomplish that goal? That is priceless.

To have a team who says, “I’ve put my family behind my dreams and goals, I’ve hugged them good-bye too many times while I’ve gotten on a plane. I won’t do it again. I can do this better and smarter and WILL. I expect the same from you.” Can it be? Can it really be? One of the hardest decisions in my life, one that brought many sleepless nights. Hours of conversation with Raymonn, even more hours of self-reflection at my computer, in prayer, in the Word.

At the end of the day it came down to one thing, one burning question that no matter how I looked at it I wanted to know the answer – “Is this the answer to the prayer I’ve been praying the past eleven months? Is this God saying ‘yes.’?” Well, I had to find out. If the chances to attain all of my dreams – professional and personal were there and say the chances were 1 in 100, I’m going for it. Swinging for the fences, as one good friend put it.

I walked away from every security I had built the past six years, away from amazing clients and friends. It was hard. But I am excited. I begin a new chapter, a new year literally and feel a huge sense of peace that this is the beginning of yet another new journey, a time to grow and learn. And I figure, if you’re going to dream big dreams, ask for big things, you’d better be willing to take the big leap when the opportunity presents itself.

So here we go, a new era. Bring it on.

Last night during the Christmas Eve service at our church you were not far from my mind. I thought, “Wow. Already two Christmases without you.” Although, what a difference a year makes. Last year my heart was so heavy. I sat close to your lovey at dinner who did not feel good, who was physically sick which I’m sure added to the emotional misery. I looked around the table and around the room and your absence shouted volumes. It screamed at us as we tried to block it out and enjoy each other, enjoy the evening, enjoy being with your wife – but in the midst of our smiles, the absence of you was clear in everyone’s eyes. We all kept stealing looks at Grandma and in the moments of emotional weakness, the cracks in our hearts were quite evident.

You were missed. You still, are missed.

But a year brings a lot. A year of turbulence, of pain and of exhilaration at what God has done and is doing. Singing last night and thinking of you, excited for you. True excitement, not just an attempt because I know in my heart I was supposed to be happy for you – but truly knowing and accepting that you were spending this Christmas with our Savior himself and celebrating the sacrifice He made for you, for us. It was a good feeling. I can honestly say I was happy for you.

I still miss you. I’m sitting here in tears because I would love to be with you. I want to see you interacting with my son. I want to see you singing to him. I want to see you talking with Prayse, letting her paint your nails again because you’re such a good sport. I do. I want that. But a year does bring healing. Our God is faithful. And though I’ll never stop wanting all of that, and though I’ll never stop yearning for one more kiss, one more hug. I can honestly say I am grateful. I am grateful for a faith that allows me peace and joy in the fact that you are loving this moment, singing and praising with the rest of heaven this Christmas morning. And I can smile through the tears.

Here’s a small taste of what you’re missing though. Aren’t they beautiful?

I love you Grandad. Merry Christmas.

I’ve also found myself lost in thought as I think about this Christmas, our first with our son, and Mary, her first with her son. I have never really gotten out of my mind the verse in Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” It seems like such a random thing just thrown in the story amidst the crazy, painful, but exhilarating birth of her son who by the way was already declared to be the Messiah, the host of heavenly angels putting on a concert in the sky, the shepherds who rushed in smelling of sweat and sheep poop but who probably fit right in seeing as how He was born in a stable – but they worshiped, fell to the ground and worshiped her baby.

I remember after having Prayse and there being a lot of people in the room later, wanting them all to just leave, being sore and wanting to have my baby to myself. Here was Mary, with men rushing in and falling to the ground to worship her son.

She treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. I think God knew Mamas would read this, and just get it. I think he knew that the significance of this one line would shout volumes to Mamas for centuries – we’d read the story, stop with this one line and say, “yeah, I get that.”

I was reading a commentary on this and found that “spiritual writers point out that is it not so much a ‘weighing up’ as allowing matters not fully understood to reside in one’s depths where they can be treasured and quietly reflected on as is appropriate. When a boat or a ship was entering shallow water, a ‘pondus’ or weight on a line was used to get an idea of how close the bottom of the sea was. We have a saying, ‘to get to the bottom of it’, meaning to probe and be able to see what currently is not obvious.”

I’m guessing this commentary was written by a man. I appreciate the background and Latin meaning of “pondus.” They did have one thing right, these are the moments that reside in the depths, the depths of our soul. For a Mama, we treasure and we ponder both the big and the seemingly small, the miracle of life, the little fingers who grasp onto ours as our babies are falling asleep. The sweet smell of their breath in the still of the night when all should be sleeping and are with the exception of us, either because we’re rocking our loves just one minute longer and falling more in love, or we’ve been driven out of bed just to check, just to make sure that yes, yes indeed, they’re still there, they’re still ours. And we are amazed.

Mary, well Mary what conflicting emotions. This was her son, her firstborn, her love. She had labored and successfully brought life into this world and her world was rocked, she fell deeper into love than she ever thought possible. I know that was her first thought. Her second though is one I’ll never know, “He is my Savior.” I heard the end of a reading on the radio this week from the viewpoint of Mary, as she picked up her son, held him closely cheek to cheek and all of the world was still, except the sweet breath of God. I just sat. I get that.

I have thought of this often the past week as I’m rocking a sick little boy to sleep, picking up my son who just hasn’t felt good. I thought, Mary did all of this too. For all of the glory and the wonder, Jesus was a newborn who needed to be rocked to sleep, who grabbed at his Mama’s hair, who was teething and needed some extra cuddles, who sometimes – just needed Mama. And I bet, she still treasured and pondered.

Silent from all of the chatter, from the Christmas carols, from the excitement and family and guests and glitter and cooking and hustle and bustle – it is easy to treasure and ponder. And I have a lot to treasure.

Merry Christmas friends, may you recognize the moments that are here and gone in an instant and may you treasure and ponder this coming year.

Two verses out of Hebrews really stood out:

11:1 – Faith means being sure of the things we  hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.

I am one  who as you know, is a control freak.  I’m not sure I’d ever be a good pilot who had to rely on the blind landings I’ve experienced during some heavy weather or fog while flying. I NEED to see the landing strip. In the past I’d look at an opportunity and think, “I can’t see the outcome, this is too much, too many questions…” and I’d either really consider walking away, or  if I went for it I’d have a season of worry, holding my breath until the plane touched down so to speak. That approach isn’t really like faith I’ve come to understand. Faith is being SURE of the things we hope for and KNOWING something is real, even when we do not see it. So simple, yet so hard. Yet… I think I’m getting there. I think I’m getting it.

11:6 -  Without faith no one can please God. Anyone who comes to God must believe that he is real and that he rewards those who truly want to find him.

For the vast majority of my life I  don’t know that I truly paid attention to the entirety of this verse. Yeah, yeah – believe God is real. Done. Check the box, I’m golden.  I really, at almost 31 years old, don’t know that I have ever really noticed the second half of this verse. “he REWARDS those who truly want to find him.” We/I focus so much on the first part – you must believe he is real. That’s just table stakes people, our God wants to reward us. The perfect, almighty, bigger more powerful, deserves to be praised 24 x 7… HE wants to reward US. Does this not seem backward? Yes. It does. That’s the beauty of it.

And for so many years, I didn’t believe it. My view of God was so skewed that I didn’t understand this treasure. It’s not just about Him, although it should be – the Almighty God of the universe is  making it about us about rewarding us. This morning I think I was excited not only because I feel like I discovered the second half, but because in my heart of hearts, I believe it. I couldn’t have said that a year ago. The doubts, the questions were too much.

Today is good. I will have faith in some tough decisions. I know I want to truly know our God, and I know He will be faithful and reward that.

Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be too, because faith works like that.

I may just start to get all sappy on you. It’s strange for me, being in such a happy place. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a burden bearer. It’s a good thing. But being a burden bearer with no boundaries has taken me to some very dark places. And now to reflect on where I am now, I don’t think even I realized at the time how dark it was.

But today. Today. Today I am sitting here. Joyful. Pure 100% unabashed joy. A joy I so  want everyone in my life to have. I have seen God work and answer prayer in some very tangible ways this year.  Not that He didn’t before, but I don’t think my eyes were open to it. I don’t think I cared, nor put any effort into understanding who He is – allowing me to experience things I’ve never been able to before now.

And it’s not just all touchey-feely stuff. He healed my Grandma from cancer. Yep, through chemotherapy and radiation. But healing just the same (who cares how you get there, she’s healed, she’s growing stronger, she’s sleeping in my house right now and for that I could just weep in thanks). We have a friend who was in a bad way with failing kidneys, dialysis and a rare blood type, two matches that didn’t pan out – and we have seen his kidneys regenerate to working 30% now, he’s off dialysis. I trust the trend will continue. I know it will.

I have been around and witness to people completely turning their life around – all because they trusted a man named Jesus who said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” Amazing stories. And I get to be around to witness it, to experience it, to walk through it with them in some cases. It’s awe-inspiring.

I have a marriage and a husband who I am in love with. I had a marriage 13 months ago I didn’t even know was on the rocks. And now it’s not. And now we’re growing. I remember 18+ months ago begging in prayer for our marriage, that we would fall in love with each other again. Now we know it’s a daily choice. And even better, it’s a choice we have chosen to make. The joy within that is unspeakable. I have an awesome husband. I could go on and on. There were days I thought we’d never be where we are.  But here I find myself, and I want to throw myself at him with a hug, a kiss, and a “thank you.” Unfortunately not a good idea while he’s sleeping on the couch, the man has automatic defense mechanisms that are out of this world and I will end up hurt.

Prayse is joy. Not just “a” joy. She’s pure joy. She’s pure madness at times, but that’s part of the joy. She’s loving, she’s a sassafras, she’s curious, she’s joyful, she’s pure, she’s honest (most times – ha!), she’s beautiful, she’s growing up on me. But as I see her grow, I see her soul, I see her core, I see who God made her to be. I love it. It’s daunting to not ruin it, to encourage it while guiding her to be the person I know she can be – even through discipline – but man alive, that girl is someone special. She’s going to change the world, mark my words.

God has given me my son. He came dashing into this world and hasn’t stopped rocking it ever since. He’s amazing. He is smiley, he isn’t afraid to share his opinion, he’s quick to smile and quick to let you know when he needs something. Sometimes instead of going to get him right away when he wakes up I just stand and listen. I listen to him coo and giggle and play in his crib/pack ‘n play. And I think, “How awesome is it that I get to witness this innocence. This pure innocence and joy at just being alive.” In our jaded world, he is a breath of fresh air. He pulls me back into reality of why we are able to smile, to enjoy, to just love the life and the moment we are in. It’s not about the newest this that or the other. It’s not about a sale or a big deal. Really, with Xavier it’s about eye contact, a smile, those two gorgeous dimples, and it all leads to fits of laughter. That’s reality folks. There are problems, our world has problems in every category – but sometimes… sometimes it really is about the moment where everything else stops and we look into the eyes of those we love and just enjoy. Enjoy the moment, enjoy unconditional love. As parents we are tasked with taking care of our children, putting for the effort to feed, comfort, raise them – our children have no idea how much they take care of us, in even the most basic fundamental, gut-level ways. Xavier plays this role in my life. I don’t work for his love but he showers me with it, with zero strings attached.

There is more, much much more. Like I mentioned, it has never been “normal” for me to see the opportunities, the glory that awaits, etc. But I do. I have friends who I have gotten to know better this year who challenge me to grow, who fill me up with encouragement – I hope they know how special that is to me. How special they are. I see a year with amazing opportunities, I see challenges and growth, I see a God who is continuing to show me who He is and in the process shows me who He’s not. I’ve been able to forgive myself for what I thought were faults and failures – but instead were lies. The freedom that brings is unspeakable.

I see more. I cannot wait for this Holiday season to reflect on this and usher in a new year.

But for today, I am just going to enjoy where I find myself. Surrounded by family, love, and a bottle of wine – Ha! Just kidding, I couldn’t help myself. Today is truly a day to be thankful and I think I’ll spend my day being so.

So the ground rules have never bothered me. But when there is something happening, that has happened, that I tell myself, “No. You can’t write about that. You’ll be judged, people may not understand…” every excuse and fear in the book, I find I’ve closed myself off emotionally from more than just one topic.

So. Here we go. And you’ll read this and most of you will probably think I’m even more emotional and dumb than ever. That’s okay because even though I know in the grand scheme of this thing called life this is not even a blip on the radar, in the little scheme of my world and my children’s world it’s important to me and their well being. And in my life, that kind of stuff matters.

What’s the big secret? I stopped nursing Xavier. Bam. What? A big build up for a huge letdown? Maybe for you. Not for me. With Prayse the decision although ultimately mine, I felt had really been made for me by my body. I nursed her for more than 8 months, my body was just done. I had done everything in the book to keep rebuilding and rebuilding supply, taking multiple supplements, losing an obscene amount of weight because of the calories being burned. And at the end of the day when I got turned down for trying to donate blood because I didn’t weigh enough and when I had to go shopping to buy size zero pants and I realized my milk was once again drying up… well, I realized I’d fought a really good fight for the health of my daughter and I felt proud.

This time? I felt selfish. My milk supply was decreasing due to a four day work trip. I couldn’t get back often enough to pump to keep it up. I came home and we went from sleeping four hour stretches at night to one hour, forty minute stretches at night. I was getting sick right and left from lack of sleep. I LOVED nursing, I hated pumping. I was traveling more and more and hated the inconvenience of finding places to pump in airports and client meetings. I hated having to dump out milk that dang it, I worked so hard for.

I was making a day trip – a brutal 20 hour day trip door to door. It was one of those fly there and back in a day trips. I had three things: My computer, my pump, and work stuff for a client. I couldn’t check any of them. I couldn’t carry-on three items. I decided to leave my pump at home (big painful mistake looking back by the way, never do this). I cried that night before as I nursed my son. Big tears and we rocked. Who knows how many apologies came out of my mouth and “I love you’s.”

Fact- my son will be just fine on formula. He won’t feel like I love him any less.

Fact- I am a HUGE proponent of breastfeeding. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt like I was giving my son less of me than I gave Prayse. The guilt was enormous.

Did you know feelings can be facts? They can in matters of the heart.

So, there you have it. There’s the big secret that I couldn’t, haven’t even told my Mamas because I didn’t want them to look at me differently, even though I know they wouldn’t have. Even though I know they would have been supportive. I was having a hard time being supportive. Even though – my fantabulous hubby has given me THREE full nights of sleep since then. I haven’t had that in over six months. But he could do that for me because now he can give Xavier a bottle. Even though I can eat whatever I want (although nothing has changed in my eating habits). Such is the life of a Mama I think – we feel selfish enjoying things that are perfectly acceptable to enjoy.

So, it feels good to write again. And even better I see things like this

and watch videos such as this

And I remind myself that in the really super duper important, legacy lasting things- I’m doing the best I can and since I refuse to fail in such important things, I know I’ll be successful. I know I’m a good Mama.

I’m listening to the radio this morning. We’re sponsoring half a day today, on your birthday, of a radio station My Bridge Radio. It seemed fitting. Mom of course came up with the idea. She really is amazing, she loves and loves hard and has a knack for finding unique ways to honor those in her life. Want to know something else? She credits you and Grandma for that. You, for starting to pray for her when she was twelve. TWELVE. Long before she took on the title “daughter”. You changed my life that day. The day you began to pray for a 12 year old little girl who needed to be shown the love you could give, the little girl who God ordained would be my Mom. I’m rambling – but again, I just have to say “thank you.” What I want is to throw myself into your arms and tell you this, tell you everything on my heart and the million ways you have changed the course of history because of who you are and the faith that you lived, the love you showed. But I can’t. So, I go on, thinking it a lot and praying that God will tell you, and hoping you know.

I’ve kept an eye on this day for awhile looking at the calendar with October 27th circled and “Grandad’s Birthday” written in the block. I wonder sometimes, if anything will change. Will I one day stop circling the day? Will I one day remove your number from speed dial? I don’t think so. I hope not. Your legacy is one that is more powerful than I’ve ever seen. And I want it to continue with my children, and their children, and their children’s children.

Prayse and I pray every night that God will tell you that Prayse and Mama love you and we miss you. Do you hear? I hope so.  My thoughts are scattered this morning, I find myself in moments of silence as I think about you – kind of lost. It’s strange because on one hand I think – You’re missing out on so much! You don’t know Xavier, who is just beyond awesome by the way. They say he looks like you, ya know.  You don’t get to rock with Prayse, watch her take care of her babies – hear her sing her songs like you loved to do. Converse with her like she’s 24 and not 4 – which is hilarious. Hold your wife’s hand and talk with her about everyday things, watch her garden, eat her strawberries. Prayse always wants to go fishing – how much fun you’d have. I remember the patience you had with a couple of other little girls growing up and learning to fish.

And I remember that in your eyes, in your current reality, I’m probably the one missing out.

I think…

Grandad – you can tell I attempted to write you a letter on your birthday obviously. I’m not sure what it is about the current moment(s) I find myself in, but I can’t seem to keep myself focused, to put down on paper (web) what really is going on in my heart. My only way to truly process my thoughts and figure out what it is I’m even thinking seems to be fleeting right now – running away from me. I can’t even tell you why. It’s concerning, but who knows? Maybe this is also a season of life and I’ll just work my way through it,  continue on without giving up no matter the frustration.

So I’ll end with a few things that are just too important not to tell you:

• If from heaven you can goad your wife into eating, please do so. She’s too skinny.
• I love you more than you can imagine.
• I can’t wait for another hug and to hear you say, “Hey babe!”
• Please look over you great-granddaughter and great-grandson – they need you. I don’t care that you’re not here on earth and probably preoccupied, they still need you and I’m not letting you get out of your responsibility on this one.
• I hope you are proud of me.
• And oh yeah, I love you.

Happy Birthday Grandad.