It is becoming more and more apparent that the natural condition of the human spirit is not a state of forgiveness, compassion, all of the things we strive to show, and need to experience. We must be molded and taught those things not natural. And I am sometimes surprised at what is not natural. In this I am learning about grace and forgiveness.

The other evening I needed to get P’s attention and reacted in a way that I was convicted of. In an attempt to get Prayse to stop for just about .3 seconds so I could explain something to her, in an attempt to get her to actually look at me for about .2 of those seconds I grabbed (gently) her cheeks to turn her face toward me. It was no big deal, the message was communicated and she was off to the races again.

Later however I was convicted of grabbing hold of her cheeks. Because I want to model for my children both asking and extending forgiveness, I apologized to her on the way home. I told her that I was sorry about that, and even though she wasn’t in trouble that should have shown her more respect.

Oh man. I don’t know how I did it – but this unleashed a fury of emotions and memories and hurt in her. I was so taken aback I didn’t know what to say. The entire drive home she was incredibly angry at me, for something in the moment did not seem like a big deal. And there were about a dozen other things that were weighing on her and she let me know it.

What surprised me about this was her insistence that I didn’t even say I was sorry. Which, of course I did – it’s how this entire debacle started. I explained that when we ask Jesus to forgive us he does and then he forgets we’ve even done that thing. She didn’t believe me and then finally admitted, “Well, we’re NOT like Jesus.” So true kid. But, we do try and keep trying.

I went to bed in tears that night. So many weighty issues and insecurities came flying back at me. Thoughts like, “Well fine, I’ll just never apologize again then” were prominent in my mind. Waves of childhood memories washed over me as I sat there in tears, not knowing what to do.

I woke up the next morning with a brand new perspective. First, we don’t give up teaching our children. Ever. Teaching her grace. Teaching her forgiveness. Second, this is not an overnight lesson.

My five year old is the perfect example of human nature. What else did I expect from her? I am seeing what human nature is at it’s core, who I am at my core. I saw who I am even now, forgiven and covered in grace – I don’t always extend this same grace. How often even now in my head do I replay the times I have been hurt. How often do I say “it’s okay” and then dwell on the hurt?

I have a twenty-seven year head start on this journey and I don’t have it figured out, yet I was frustrated that she didn’t get it in our ten minute conversation?

The natural condition of the human spirit is not one of forgiveness, it is not one of grace. It is something that is a lifelong lesson and one I cannot give up on for myself. There is no “check the box” on this one. And there is no giving up on teaching myself or my children.

So. True. I have taken that to heart. And wanted to focus on this for just these brief few minutes.

If relationships are important we must show them by time. Like saying “yes” to a request to attend a fundraising banquet for a great cause such as Royal Family Kids Camp. Not only investing in a relationship but in something that has even greater eternal value.

Taking advantage of an impromptu photo op session and just going for it! (Not a difficult thing for Miss P to do – oh the life in this girl, awesome.)

Reading together. Need it always be age appropriate? Not in this case!

My personal favorite – date night. We took Miss P to see The Lion King at The Orpheum Theatre in Omaha. So. Fun. For all three of us.

Even all dressed up and fancy like, we still gotta be us…

I admittedly don’t get it all right, all the time. But I’ll celebrate the small victories in the moment.

This morning that was not the case. As I pushed aside a couple of cups in my attempt to get caffeine in my system as fast as possible, a thought entered my mind, “Cheers to this.”

You see last night, we ate quickly. I did minimal clean up while Miss Prayse changed into some play clothes. And then… we played. We went to our local YMCA to play for an hour in the Youth Gym.

And so the dishes sat, because there was some bonding to do.

Prayse convinced me to race her on these balls – back and forth, and then back and forth, and then back and forth again. I kept wondering how in the world she had built up her leg muscles to the point they weren’t screaming at her like mine were at me!

And well, after playing we must have some popcorn and watch Curious George 2. And then by that time Daddy was home and so it was time to do more than just “play wife” but to “be wife” and friend and confidant.

And so the dishes sat. All night. And I woke up, shuffled them around to access the Keurig and the day started off just fine. Just fine indeed. Relationships were built up. Good trade for clean dishes I’d say.

Give. Save. Spend.

She had $10. I told her that out of $10, $1 of that needed to go to Jesus.

“Oh, I’ll give him $2 then Mom.”

Bam. There it was. Matter of fact. Not for glory. Not for some ultimate “blessing” that would rain down on her at the bookstore because she gave over and above. It was an automatic, if Jesus gets 1 then I’ll give him 2.

Natural. It’s just her.

Matthew 12:34 says, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

I got a look into her heart. And it is beautiful.

“IT’S THE PAAAAAARENTS JOB TO BRUSH TEETH AT NIGHT!!!!”

After the five times I’ve asked that she just get started and I’ll come help her finish up. It hit me this morning, that she’s reflecting how I speak to her when I am at my wits end. She learned this, from me.

I am reading through a book by Stormie O’Martin, The Power of a Praying Parent. And loving it. It’s for a MOPS group. This morning was about “Learning to Speak Life.” I was completely convicted by something even other than what this chapter had as a direct example (theirs was cussing).

How do I still speak life into my daughter but at the same time get her to listen? One of the quotes I underlined was, “We create a world for ourselves by what we speak. Words have power, and we can either speak life or death into a situation.” I feel like I have created a world of exasperation sometimes. Granted, both R and I have an agreement that we follow up with consequences much faster – and this has drastically reduced much of the disrespect that had been occurring late last year. And maybe I’m falling back into a bad pattern… I don’t know.

But I do know I want to speak words of life into my daughter. I want her to be confident in who she is that she is loved, I want both her and our life situations to be filled with life. We will be judged for every idle word we speak (Matthew 12:36-37), I think that does include the words we speak to our children. And I want to have more control over this situation. I honestly think that she reflects what she sees from me. Sometimes when you see yourself in the mirror it is disturbing, and this is one of those situations.

So you smart parenting gurus… how do you keep your patience? Do you just intentionally lower your voice with what you say but the actions/consequences stay the same? How do you explain consequences, or what needs to be done while still speaking at least the essence, the aura of life into your children?

Little did I know that was also a lie. A lie from the enemy. Amazing at how well the enemy knows us isn’t it? Almost like he knows us better than we know ourselves. I truly feel one way to combat that is to dig deep within ourselves and our character – as well as the unchanging character of God. Answer the tough question, who is He really?

As the lies get exposed more and more I find myself on a path towards true intimacy with our God. I kind of like it. I find myself becoming bolder not just in my faith but in this relationship that I genuinely am enjoying! I have begun asking for favor, and even through some tough circumstances, He is showing that favor.

I am reading in Genesis right now and two things stood out to me this morning:

1. After the fall of man and having both cursed and kicked Adam and eve out of the Garden, “The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.” (ch 4:21)
2. The conversations between Cain and God show that there is still such an intimate relationship between God and man. And the man that God knew would commit the first murder even. (ch 4:6-15)

Intimacy. The intentional pursuit of intimacy. This is bringing a boldness I never knew. And it feels like God is responding to that boldness. No, not just feels like, He is responding to that boldness. I’m discovering yet another side of God that I never knew. I like it.

Heading home! What a journey. I have learned a lot as I think back to what I saw, experienced and heard just by staying silent and listening.

What sticks out in my mind is the truth of what a servant’s heart really is. Preparing for missions is so much more than packing and immunizations and whatever else we do to be prepared. True preparation comes with digging deep, asking God to expose our true motives, and then being open and willing to really seeing what those are. If it is ANYTHING less than the utmost respect for the organization, the country, and the people we are visiting, and if we are in ANY way are not willing to do whatever it takes to serve – whether it be building tables so kids have a better learning environment, organizing libraries so a leader can prepare easier with all of the resources at hand, scrubbing toilets, picking up trash, or washing feet… then we are not ready to go. We must be willing to serve, to further the purpose of the vision of the leader.  And, to love. Not to pity, not to save, but to simply love. This is what I have learned.

If we find fault with any of the above we should ask ourselves:

1. Is it a heart issue? Do I need to check my ego and hero mentality at the door?
2. Do I believe in the vision and leadership of this organization enough to humble myself to follow in whatever way is needed?

If we answer no, then why not? What questions are unanswered? If ultimately we know that we are able to serve and love as called, and still can’t follow the vision, then the outcome is simple.

Don’t go.

Don’t give.

Personally, I have found leadership in my life at home and abroad that serves and leads with integrity. Their dreams are addicting and I want to be able to play a part. I want to be in the game, even if it’s one assist or a supporting role or whatever is needed. My friends, find that.

Also – be that. Am I a leader in my home, in my work, and social circles, that leads and serves with love and has dreams that are addicting? Do I need to check my ego at the door even in those situations? Sometimes, yeah.

Lessons that span beyond oceans, countries, cultures, and languages.

We serve a good God. A big God. One who loves miracles more than us. And if we can prepare ourselves, if our hearts are in the right place, and if we can raise our hand and say, “Put me in the game!”, He will. And we will be able to make a difference. And we will be able to build a legacy. But oh how we will fall short by pushing our own agenda.

If we can only leave our superhero capes at the door and simply ask, “How can I help?”. Much will be accomplished. I believe our time, our money, and other resources will go so much farther. They will be multiplied.

I think back to two examples that I heard and witnessed. No names have been changed because I don’t know the names

50 years ago there was a local Haitian minister working with an American missionary. A big donor asked each of them (unknown to each other that he had asked both of them) how much it would cost to build a school. The US Missionary answered – $10,000. The Haitian pastor answered – $4,500. Both were right you see. It WOULD cost the US Missionary $10,000 to build the school. It WOULD cost the Haitian pastor $4,500 to build the same school. There was no fault or deceptiveness in either. But you see, the Haitian pastor who had grown up in that community, who knew almost everyone in that community, who knew the resources inside and out and who would work for what and volunteer their time for what was needed in the community and the business owners to get materials from, etc… He could build that school for less. Very similar to when after the earthquake and the news reports of the dire situation in Haiti and how it was impossible to buy anything in that country b/c the financial system had fallen. They were right of course. When you flew in to Haiti and attempted to purchase big items to help – you couldn’t. YOU. COULDN’T. I. COULDN’T. Caleb could. Caleb did. Why? Because this is his country. These are his people. He has a lifetime of relationships and 28+ year business relationships. His bank in the US would call their bank in the US to get them the money and Caleb was able to drive off with 3,000 lbs of rice (as just one example). How much farther can our resources go by funneling them through someone who knows and understands both the need and the system?

I was privy to one side of another conversation. Someone and an organization wanted help getting a shipment of rice with nutrients in it to Haiti because they wanted to feed the children, to make sure they were getting enough to eat. Wanting to help children eat and get the nutrients they need is of course, a good thing. The cost of this involves many factors – the materials, the shipping container, getting it through both the port authority and then customs, and the transportation then to where it needs to go in Haiti. For the same cost or much less, Caleb will feed the same children with the same nutrients. But instead of rice, these meals will consist of rice, beans, chicken, and some spaghetti. This route was not acceptable to the donor. Do you know why? Because they wanted to be able to help pack the shipping container. They wanted to put their mark on it. To strap on their superhero cape.

We all want to make our mark do we not? We all want to be a part of a legacy that helps. The goal is never to hinder. I get that. But, if we can humble ourselves, if we would understand that God WILL make sure that we are a part of HIS legacy, we could have it all.

“How can I help?”

The question will be answered, and the outcomes multiplied. If only we will ask the question.

________________________

Here are a few other pictures from my trip in no particular order

This is the river we have to cross (drive through) to get to Pignon on the way to or from Port-au-Prince. I was told, “It’s not Haiti unless you have to drive through a river to get somewhere!”

One means of security at the top of the concrete wall that surrounds the school.

This is in Port-au-Prince. Obviously one of the areas that hasn’t gotten a lot of attention since the earthquake. And yet the Red Cross just can’t find something to do with the extra millions of dollars…

A picture of the local market in Pignon.

One of the ways that people protest the government is to block the streets in and out of cities. In this example they dug a huge hole all the way across the road. One other night while I was there they were burning tires so that people couldn’t get through. Of course it does nothing and changes nothing, but yet I guess they feel like they must do something to communicate their feelings.

My Dad always taught me that the job wasn’t done until we were cleaned up! So I spent a bit of time sweeping up saw dust. Life of luxury

Need to call a taxi?

Working hard! Building benches for the updated classrooms.

Driving through another river, this time to get to Lorens’ home. He crosses this river every day to get to school. His mama told me that she takes him and carries him and his sister across so they don’t get wet.

Recess at College de la Grace!

Cactus. The Haitian fence.

The streets of Pignon, move aside for the donkeys!

Mount Pignon. So beautiful, especially coming from Nebraska!

I also got a chance to visit The Haitian Bead Project ladies. It was quite the experience seeing them work.

World Vision‘s life-saving cholera packets that Lorens’ dad hands out when people come down with symptoms of cholera.

My samurai, showing off his lethal toys.

First picture in Haiti. A little travel weary but SO EXCITED to see my friend hero again!

The bus system in Port-au-Prince. How they squeeze so many people in such a small space is awesome. It would never work here because we’d all be fighting by the time we got down the block, but it works in Port-au-Prince!

Don’t mess with a gal and her power tools

This was me protecting myself. I was convinced that this would keep the massive rat from entering my room during the middle of the night, climbing up into the bed and eating me. Yes. This was my mind frame at 1:00 am when I couldn’t sleep because nobody found the rat!

This is on the back of one of the buses for College de la Grace. To me, it’s enough said.

Another shot of the local Pignon market.

My walk to “work” every morning.

These poor, poor goats. You could hear them “Baaaaaa”ing soooo loud as we passed by. It was horrible. But they had to ride on the side of the truck you see, because the inside was stuffed with cows…

Pignon market. A bit crowded on Saturdays.

My first morning in Haiti I walked out onto the deck and saw this. And then I fell in love with a country.

Swings for the swing set are a pretty big deal around here.

Pretty much any form of antibiotic, narcotic, pain killer, etc. can be found at the market here. No prescription needed. No guarantees either!

Gorgeous Haiti.

My partner in crime, Bernie. Taught me everything I need to know about building benches. He told me he wasn’t patient, but I’m pretty sure I proved that theory wrong – no matter how much he’ll tell you he’s grumpy, don’t fall for it.

Caleb and I, all dressed up and ready for church. He was preaching at the Assemblies of God church in Port-au-Prince before we flew out. The same church he helped rebuild the school for. Poor guy had a sore throat and had to preach twice. Once in church and once again in the car for me in English on the way to the airport

Today was full of ups and definite moments of tears as well. Angeline I saw twice at school today. She made me jewelry. So sweet.

Lorens, I also got to see. His mama walked into town into the school and waited there to meet me. First of all, to me, that’s incredible. That she took time out of her day and was just waiting. For me. I felt honored, yet unworthy. And later after also meeting Lorens’ little sister we were driven to their house which was across the river (literally, we drove through the river)) and up a very steep embankment.

What an amazing family. They are so thankful in spite of their circumstances it brought tears to my eyes.

When we pulled up to their house I saw a sign in Creole but in English is said “World Vision.” Lorens dad is nearing the end of a contract with World Vision. When people start to experience signs of cholera they see him and he has packets they mix up and drink. And their lives are saved. People are much more likely to seek help from someone they know in their local community than someone who is foreign and they simply don’t know or trust. This is also a way to keep numbers/tabs on the health of the community.

Sounds eerily similar to why I also believe local missions is more effective? A running theme.

Lorens dad used to work at the hospital in public health but got laid off nine years ago and another full time job or spot had not opened up. He is doing what he can, including repairing refrigerators (there aren’t many in Pignon). He also gives vitamins and medicine to pregnant woman in addition to conducting training on AIDS treatment and prevention. Here is a man who is struggling to provide basics for his family and yet is making a life saving difference in this community. To say I was humbled is an understatement.

He told of their struggles to survive. They had been selling charcoal and had a friend and business partner selling it in Port-au-Prince. And then, came the earthquake. Their friend was killed, and their money was gone. To the newscasters who say only PAP was affected by the earthquake… how wrong you are.

And with a smile on his face he continued on with thanks to me and our family and told me how they pray for me and our family every night. I again was so humbled to hear that Lorens calls me his “godmother” and hopes and makes sure to pray that we are healthy and safe and that I sleep well. Again, there were tears. You see, I believe that prayers are active. I don’t think they are empty and go nowhere into space. I believe our prayers spur action. How has God used the prayers of a six year old who is literally a world away to save and protect my family and personally given me a good nights sleep??

How blessed I am, yes, in life, but also to even be a small part of this family’s story. They are amazing people and I get to be a part of this. It’s a feeling you can’t explain. It’s a reality you can’t explain until you put yourself into the story. Until we get off of the sidelines and get into the game, we can never explain what this real game of life is like.

I told them how almost surreal it is to be in love with their son. To have prayed for someone for two years and then, to be there, his short little self grabbing my hand while we walked from the truck to his house… I simply fell in love.

I have always been an advocate for sponsoring a child and now even more so. To experience the impact in both my life as well as theirs and their family is awesome. I wish everyone could experience. Actually, I wish everyone would be willing to experience this. It is open. It is available. It is a choice. It’s as simple as that. But it is awesome. This is something I get emotional over. Yes, God is using my family to help theirs it’s true. But what they underestimate is the powerful impact they have on mine.

_________________________

Me and my little lovey, Lorens. He was so excited to have the picture of Prayse and Xavier. I knew the moment I showed it to him he wasn’t letting it go. I figured it was worth the 19 cents to have it re-printed and he could have it. Priceless.

Mr. Kervyns. My parents are technically his sponsors but we have watched him grow up, seen the excitement w/ new school supplies and Christmas gifts. He cracked me up. The moment he told me that his favorite subject was Math I knew our relationship would be limited though… kidding!

My boy and I again. On the way back to school from his home visit. Poor kid, the rough drive from his house to school made him carsick. At least I’m not the only one who’s stomach gets queasy from some of those roads!

Me and my girls. Beatrice is on the left. She wants to be a dentist. Angeline on the right wants to be a doctor. Our family decided a few years ago that as adults we didn’t need Christmas presents so instead of a gift exchange our three families go in together to sponsor Beatrice and as a result she gets to graduate. I’m so proud of her! Best Christmas present ever in my opinion.

Lorens’ family and I outside of their home. When we were leaving his mama told me that she hoped the next time I came to Haiti that they would be in a better position financially and could make me a meal. A meal. What an honor. And what a reality of their life. Another team I had to clear my throat because of the tears that were threatening, not because of pity or the situation – but because I recognized the honor they were giving me, and felt so undeserving of it.

Lorens and his little sister in the library at school. They stood there and just being by each other they held hands and never let go. So stinkin cute.

And then he held my hand… have I mentioned I might be a little in love yet?

Angeline and her Mom in their house. I really like this lady. Very passionate about her family. Told me that Angeline had spent the entire month of November in the hospital because she kept fainting. They don’t have a firm answer but the general consensus is that she is anemic. Do you know what we did when I was pregnant and anemic? We grilled a steak. A lot of steak. And we drove to Walgreens to buy better vitamins with extra iron in them. Neither are options for Angeline. Her mother was worried because she had to go back to the Doctor in March and she doesn’t know how she will be able to afford to get her there, no matter the bill from the visit.

Angeline outside of her house. This is one of the better houses on their street.

If you have ever in the past thought about sponsoring a child or even just wanting to get involved but time or circumstances, or something kept you busy… Now is the time. It really is. Days matter. Lives are at stake. And the blessings returned to you are greater than you could ever imagine. Thank you.

Caleb asked me, or rather just mentioned to me that we should sit down and brainstorm a marketing plan for Hosean. Oh, if he only knew me better! My brain now will not shut off. I have all of these ideas and no clue if he’ll like any of them. I did talk w/ Debbie about a few ideas… Maybe, just maybe this is where I can help? Maybe this is where I can fit in and play a role?

One thing is for certain. I want to come back. Annually if possible. I want to bring my family, including  Julia. And I want to build a team. And if I can’t build  that team in a year, then I’ll start with family and we can build our own little HIM following from there.

During the conversation with Debbie and Lydia I gained a little bit of insight into some of the wrong mentality of the occasional group, but also a little bit into myself. You see, I have been bothered by the fact that I haven’t been appalled by the stereotypical living conditions here. Don’t get me wrong, they are horrible and I completely recognize that. Coming from my entire life’s experiences, I’m not sure I could do it. No real sanitation. Little toddler girls sitting outside a “house” on a filthy broken mattress, chewing on sugar cane. Bare naked babies and toddler boys. “Houses” (loose term for some) falling in on themselves. Filth.

Something I could never imagine my children living in.

Yet, at the end of the day I am not weeping in bed at the sights I have seen. And I realized this last night and thought, “Should I be? It is because of the years of stories from Caleb that I was a little bit prepared? Or am I heartless?

During my conversation with Debbie I realized one thing – above all of the conditions, I see people living around me. I do not pity them. And that’s okay.

What I do see is a grown man and woman. And true, they may not have went to a private liberal arts college and found themselves in a lot of debt over an expensive education. But they are grown. They are husbands and wives. They are Moms and Dads. They are doing whatever they can to take care of their families. They want to leave a legacy too.

Just like me.

I respect that. I respect them. And I figure, that is an excellent place to start.

The next steps are to figure out the smartest way to help where my money and time may go further. That is being wise and good stewards with the two precious resources that God has given us. The answer to that, for me, is Caleb and Hosean. Someone with a vision, a dream, and a track record of God supplying (through hard work) what is needed to make that vision come to life. I see how funneling my post-tithe resources through him is one of the wisest decisions I could make.

The impact is far greater than you could ever imagine. You have to see it to believe it. Literally.

____________________

A few shots from the streets of Pignon. I did not take a lot of pictures of people in/around their homes because it would freak me out quite honestly if someone (who was an obvious stranger – I kind of stood out) was driving by my house and taking pictures of me and my home. And I have actually had to ask people at the Children’s Museum to stop taking pictures of Prayse (yes, freaky). So I wanted to show the same respect to these parents.

The river. Where people wash their clothes, their bodies, their trucks and motorcycles. All right within feet of each other. Yes. You heard right.

The town center. Most of Pignon’s streets have now been paved (yeah!). And the town center was also revamped.

The town center. The police station. And the Catholic church (below). Usually always in the middle of any Haitian town.

Soccer game! Caleb’s school kids were the ones in orange.

Haitian gas station. Oh yes. Totally not trusting this is 100% gasoline

The lottery. As Dave Ramsey calls it, “the tax on the poor.” It is everywhere.

And there is hope. I may sound like a salesman and that is so totally 100% okay in my book because I am beyond convinced. I am 1,000,000% absolutely sure that through organizations and people like Caleb, that is how the good gets done. Another look at College de la Grace and the progress being made.

And you must realize that the vision only grows. It only gets bigger. The stage has already been set. This shows just a small portion of additional land that Caleb owns. This particular piece of land is at the College. This does not include the land he owns that he will build a gas station and retail center. This does not include the land he owns at the camp. This does not include the additional school and land he has in another town. This does not include the massive disaster relief warehouse, the chicken coop, the future tilapia farm, or the future gymnasium.This also does not include the numerous churches and schools and homes that he has built and re-built. supported, helped survive – that have no official loyalty or supporters to HIM. Because that is the heart of a servant. That is the part that you simply cannot believe until you meet the man and follow that up with an in person visit to see for yourself the vision he has cast.

But it all starts, with respect. A very good place to start indeed.