Not me. I have always wanted to give blood, but let’s face it. I am a chicken. The thought of a needle and my blood draining out was down right nauseating.  So I thought, this is my chance. I survived child birth, I did fine with an epidural, I can give blood. I knew it may be the last chance I’ll have for the next year (I may or may not be indulging in a Vegas treat which counts me out for the next 12 months…).

So, heart pounding I signed up and stepped into the Blood Mobile.  They took one look at me and pulled out a scale, I had no idea why but was quickly REJECTED. Talk about feeling like a loser! You apparently have to weigh a certain amount and with the weight I have lost post-baby I don’t meet their min quals. You would think that I would have felt relieved, but I’m actually disappointed. I had pumped myself to be a “do-gooder” and was turned down!

I don’t even get the “Be Nice To Me… I Donated Blood Today” sticker. Dang.

Tonight was so much FUN with Prayse!! I’m not sure what made it so special or so different than any other evening, maybe just the fact that it wasn’t Prayse just playing with her toys by herself, but we were interacting and actually playing together. It was awesome, the best high you can ever have I think.

Prayse loves books and will bring them to you and plop down in your lap to read them… for about half a sentence. Then it’s off to get another book, and another, and another… I can’t complain though, at least she likes to read! She is even “reading” them by herself, and getting darn good at turning the pages if I do say so myself. More than likely the book will be upside down and the pages will be turned from back to front, but those are minor issues we’ll address later. The fact is that she likes books!

She is also becoming such a little girl. Today I stopped by her daycare to play and she went and got a baby doll and kept giving her hugs and pats on the back, too cute. She’s becoming more of a lovey each and every day. Her teachers are loving it and keep commenting on all of the great squeezes they get. She also tonight discovered hair bows, she still kept taking it out every few minutes but then would hand it to me and bend down so I could put it back in her hair. My little Mama’s Girl.

I was looking at pictures in Photobucket tonight and was reminded of how little she was!

For a second, I understood the baby fever my friends have (two of whom are expecting again.. Yay!). I never quite got the baby fever thing because I felt it was (still is) too soon for us. But looking at these pictures and remembering my maternity leave made me realize that there are definitely more babies in our future. We’ve got a few years, but the nostalgia got to me. My mat leave was the best time in my life, ever. I felt complete, I felt like I was where I belonged. But then I think of how fun Miss P is, of how she is growing and changing and becoming more mature day by day and realize that I still need one on one time with her. So her little sister (or brother according to Raymonn) can join us in a few years. Right now our family of three is just perfect!

It’s been quite the week for us here. Work is still as insane as ever, I am so looking forward to the few days I’m going to spend in Las Vegas mid-July! Me, two of my girlfriends, a pool, and a margarita. Seriously, it sounds like a dream right about now. I’m not going to be checking email and I will not be answering any “Unknown” phone calls (i.e., the office). We are working hard on making some updates to our house, they’ve been needed for so long but of course we don’t do anything until we’re up against a deadline. So I have decided that Prayse’s birthday party is the deadline. I want to:

• Get the carpets steam cleaned (professionally)
• Call the Pest guy to spray
• Paint the living room (currently a nice bright orange… totally hubby’s choice, not mine)
• Paint the kitchen and actually finish it up (a year ago R and my dad put down the new floor, the base boards still haven’t made it back on)
• Numerous new touches like putting in a new door, changing up the “look” and feel of the rooms to be more grown up.

I am so tired of this house looking like a glorified college dorm room. I’m ready to grow up and make this our home. There are so many other things I’d love to do I sometimes ask myself why we bought this place. BUT you can only make the decisions with the information you have at hand.

So Miss P had her first real fight at daycare this week. Poor little babe got BIT!! She still has a mark on her left arm. Her and her buddy Tatyana were both by the window and apparently it was too small of a space for the both of them and Prayse ended up with teeth marks on her arm. I am of course very well aware of the fact that she was probably not 100% innocent in this Her and T are just like sisters, she’s her first real friend. They hug and fight like they’re related! I was bummed and just don’t want her to know that it is an option. Granted she was bound to find out at some point, I just hope it doesn’t plant any seeds in that brilliant mind of hers. You only need to show that one once and she’s all about it. I also found out that Tatyana and her family are moving to Ohio. It makes me sad, her last day is Wednesday. Prayse is so close to transitioning out of the infant room at daycare and she always gets really intimidated when she spends time in the transition room. I was so glad that T would be moving with her, now she’ll be all on her own. Prayse is such a people person so I know she’ll do well, but her and T are buddies and as a Mom I was glad she had someone. People move on, I get it but I was hoping T would be her “Daniele.” Daniele is the friend I’ve had since we were three and I love that fact. There is a certain level of comfort around those friends you’ve know forever (almost literally forever).

All right, off to pack. We have a big day tomorrow, my cousin is back in NE from San Antonio and we’re going to Kearney tomorrow for a family picnic, stopping in Grand Island for breakfast with friends along the way.

There is something wrong when at 10:30 I feel guilty for not working tonight at home when I arrived at the office at 5:45 this morning. Oh, there is work to be done. A lot of it too. I’m behind as colleagues are taking vacation, getting married (the nerve!) and I find once again that it is invading my life. It so easily slips in, taking a few minutes here in the evening, bringing home a proposal to edit, write, and read in the evenings, checking email at 6:30 in the morning before anyone else is up so I can get a head start. Then the computer comes home with me every night, I power it up when Prayse goes to bed, I get stressed because there happens to be 45 flagged emails with more coming in and inquiries as to why I didn’t get so and so their deliverables, what happened to this prospect? What happened to that? Where is my investment summary? Where is the edits to this proposal that is due tomorrow? We promised this co that information yesterday, why didn’t it go out?

STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

I get it. This is my job, it pays for food that is on the table, for the wonderful daycare that we can afford, for the clothes on our backs, for the money getting put into our retirement plans, and for the vacations we are saving for and for the presents I will order for Prayse’s birthday. I get all of that. I am grateful for all of that. I work for a company I believe in, for bosses and managers who believe in me and that is wonderful. I do not wake up every morning dreading going to work and hating every minute that I’m there. I have been there before and it stinks.

But when my work invades my dreams, when at almost 11:00 at night I am setting my alarm for another 5:00 a.m. morning so that I can get work done before taking Miss P to daycare… well that is just plain discouraging. So what do you do? What is the answer? How do you balance it all out? How do you do the job and do it well to provide for your family along with being a great wife and great Mom?? Because really I can’t afford to drop the ball on any of those priorities. That doesn’t even include my friendships and other family members. They really get the short end of the stick.

I need help. I need answers. This is discouraging and this is when everything is going well. My marriage is going well, I am falling in love with my husband (continually, which in and of itself is exciting). Mommyhood? Rocks my socks. There is nothing better in this whole entire world. Work is so busy because it is finally starting to turn up… so what am I complaining about right?

Tonight when I came upstairs I told Raymonn that I didn’t get any work done, instead I had been upstairs just cuddling my baby. He gave me a kiss and told me, “She needed you.” Truth be told, I needed her. She centers me. In this crazy busy world that is my life, she brings me back to core and makes me realize how blessed I am.

And boy is she changing. Every day it seems is something new. This weekend we started the oh so fun game of  “Uhh-Ohhh!!” when anything and everything is dropped. Said so cute you can’t help but play along.  Yesterday we were in the Gap and Banana Republic and there was this nagging feeling in my gut when we were in BR but I ignored it. When walking into the Gap with my squirmy child just wanting down to run and tagging along after her as she ceremoniously tried to pull off every single display of tank tops in sight, I stopped in my tracks. The worst thought in the world crossed my mind… “I have a toddler.”

I was in tears, it shouldn’t be true. How can an 11 month old be a toddler? How? I should get more time with my BABY. Toddlers are for Moms of 2 year olds, not 11 month olds. That’s how it should be. But as she becomes Miss Independent, wanting to feed herself with a spoon, wanting to walk instead of be carried, wanting to grab her book to bring to my lap, pulling me into the kitchen to sign “More” to tell me that she is hungry… the signs add up and it is getting harder and harder to deny.

I cuddled and rocked her for more than an hour after she fell asleep tonight. I remembered and thought about my pregnancy and my maternity leave. That’s all I did on mat leave, just cuddle my baby.  We were literally almost inseparable. It was perfect. I looked at my beautiful child tonight and just thought, you will always be mine. Wow. Someday you’ll be 18, someday you’ll be 24 and getting married, someday you’ll have a child. Oh God, I need help. I need all the help I can get because this is a huge responsibility. I pray that I do this right and give her every fighting chance to grow up to be the amazing young woman I know she will be. To stand up for herself and for what she knows is right, to be the kind soul willing to help but to be smart enough not to get taken advantage of…

I could go on and on about the thoughts that fly through my head, how do I teach her well enough so that she stays away from drinking and doesn’t get into a car with a driver that has been? How do I teach her how  sacred her body is and will she listen? Will she be going to school with the 12 year olds that are pregnant??

I have to stop. I have to take a deep breath and realize that just like when I first brought her home from the hospital it is day by day, one step at a time and we will work together to figure it out. If however, you have any suggestions I am still all ears!

Prayse has had such great days lately (you know minus the couple of 12:30 - 3:30 am crying spells…). Her note to me from daycare today read:

“I had so much fun playing with Ty today! I love to hug and kiss the little babies!! I was giving Ty the best cuddles and really making him giggle! :)”

Yeah, that’s my lovey.  She also had another bottle free day today. I’m not becoming a bottle nazi or anything like that, if the sippy cup isn’t working or if she hasn’t gotten enough formula during the day I’ll make sure to give her a bottle at night, but I thought we’d just start working on it and she’s doing great!

She’s walking and running like a rock star track star.

Her vocabulary consists of:

• “Mama”
• “Daddy” (Dah-Deeeeeeeee)
• “Hi” (this is said to everything that moves, including cars that drive by in the morning… too cute)
• “Birdy” (okay, mostly it’s “dee dee” or just “dee” but I’m the Mama so I say it counts)
• “Puppy” (half the time, the other half we’ve got “pup

AND tonight she put herself to sleep. Whether or not she stays that way we’ll see but for the moment, I’m going to brag about the accomplishment

That’s my baby! I’ll claim her!

I’ve thought of about 100 things to write about since my last post. I suck. I keep complaining about my own incompetency but I need to just DO something about it. So I am taking advantage of the fact that no one else is awake yet this morning. I am not going to check work email until I actually get into the office for once (what is it with that anyway? Why is it so hard to just let things go and handle them at the office?).

I thought I’d do some catching up while I can. It has been a busy and tiring week/weekend. I took Miss P into the Dr again yesterday to make sure that her ears were clear b/c we had some crazy nights. I’m talking up from 12:45 - 3;30, up again at 4:15 and screaming her precious little head off if at any point I stopped moving. What? That is not my little girl.

Apparently nothing is wrong, her ears are not infected, just a little bit of fluid and even after a night like that she again charmed the socks off of the nurses and the PA we saw. I’m sure they tell everyone that “you’re my favorite little one to see.” But it’s still nice to hear!

I also found out that 1. I am putting way too much hydro-cortizone on her face. Apparently when you use too much steroids the skin can thin out and when you have color it can actually make spots hypo-pigmented. Great. I’m gonna be checking out her face 1,000,000 times this summer as she tans to see if she has big white patches on her cheeks and chin. I can see her just LOVING me for that one when she grows up and is a teenager.

I also learned that the reason she probably throws up her food more often than not is because I am over feeding her. Yeah. Fantastic. I guess she still only needs 24 - 32 oz of formula and the rest is just supplementing and we’re still testing food. When I tell you I walked out of there feeling like I should win the coveted “Mother of the Year… NOT” award, I’m serious. I hate all of these first time Mom mistakes. I wish I just KNEW.

Anyway so we’re back to basics. I did see her pediatrician yesterday too because her son goes to the same daycare as P. She told me that her hemoglobin levels were right on the edge so to start some iron vitamin supplements once a day for a little while. Everything I had read made it seem like it was darn near impossible for babies to be anemic or close to it. My Mommy glow just kept getting brighter and brighter….

So today is a new day, one where I am not over feeding my daughter (gheesh), where she is getting all the iron she needs, and where I claim my “Cool Mom” status again. For today anyway.

I have a lot more to catch up on, including my brag sheet about Prayse’s new words It just keeps getting better and better!!!

Check out these pictures first though of one of my closest friends Linda and her cutie pa-tootie Titus. Amazing how we can be half way across the country, meet once only but I love her like she’s my sister!

Me loving on TyTy, I needed baby hugs like nothing else that night! He was happy to oblige, the little cutie.

Me showing Ty pictures of his girlfriend Prayse. It was love at first sight I think.

Me and my beautiful friend Linda. Gorgeous on the inside and out!! I wish I could look this good after five kids! The woman is a rock star I tell you!

I’m leaving for the airport in less than 10 minutes. On my way to LA today for a meeting this afternoon and then heading back tomorrow a.m. It is thunderstorming outside. Perfect. Just perfect. I’m slightly okay with leaving this time, I spent extra time at Prayse’s daycare/school yesterday just to be with her. We played hard last night just her and me. It still stinks though. And to top it all off I’m listening to a thunderstorm. I hate that. I need the weather to be perfect, I know planes fly through it all the time. I’ve been on them. But it’s different now, ya know?

Hubby got up with Prayse last night, thank goodness! It took a little convincing but I am so glad that he helped out. Knowing the alarm was going off at 4:40 a.m. for a meeting that is going to be from 5:00 - 7:00 Central… ugh. That ones gonna hurt. Thank goodness for Starbucks being everywhere you look when you travel. I’m gonna need it.

There are two HUGE positives to this trip. One- no need to worry about being engorged, finding a place to pump, pumping and dumping, or insanely trying to get milk back to Nebraska (Okay so that’s like four things but you get my pictures). Since we’re not nursing any longer I’m hoping it will be a smoother trip all the way around. The BESTEST thing is that I get to finally meet and have dinner with my good friend Linda! I feel like we’re sisters, she is one of the kindest, most loving people I’ve ever “met.” And with a family of five awesome children, she’s also an inspiration. She is also bringing Titus (my potential future Son-In-Law but shhhhhhhh). I’m going to need to get my baby fix since my princess will be back at home.

Okay, off to the airport! Wish me luck.

I decided I would not let homemade baby food get the best of me so I have kept trying. Prayse loves this recipe that I made today. I like it because it has lean protein, fruits, and veggies in one recipe. I tried it too, not too bad!

Ingredients:

1 lb ground turkey

1 whole egg or two egg yolks, beaten

1/2 cup pureed carrots

1/4 cup applesauce

1/4 cup unprocessed natural wheat or oat bran

1/4 cup bread crumbs

pinch of basil

pinch of garlic powder

Place ground turkey in a large mixing bowl. Add the egg/yolk, carrots, applesauce, spices, bread crumbs and bran. Mix well - If this mixture appears too dry, add more carrots or applesauce. If mixture appears too web, add more bran and/or bread crumbs.

Place mix into a lightly oiled (olive oil) loaf pan. Bake at 350F for approx 45 minutes. You may want to cover to keep the top from burning. When finished baking and cooled, remove loaf from pan and slice as you would bread. Break into small bits for finger feeding or mash and chop gently.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I wrote this post earlier this weekend, late at night, with a glass of wine. I realized at 1:30 that morning that I had to take it down. A portion of this was written out of frustration and I needed a few days to think and then re-read. I still think that a lot of these feelings are valid, I have just taken out a part that doesn’t belong in a public space. I am attempting to allow myself to be a bit more open and honest, but it’s a work in progress. I also had to add the note so you don’t think I’m drinking at 9:00 a.m.! Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Okay, so I always always have a lot on my mind but the past few months I haven’t sat down to write and it is a mistake. Not just b/c I am not capturing moments that I want to capture but just because as I have mentioned before writing is therapy for me. I wish I had time to write more, I used to be good at it. I have story lines in my head. Ones for children’s books that I think could be really good. Have I sat down to make it a reality? No. No I haven’t because I get caught up in the everyday life and am just in the groove.

So tonight I am on my second glass of wine and for someone that doesn’t really drink… let’s just say my tongue is a bit loose I only had a bit of Pinot Noir left so I had to pair it with a Cabernet. Apparently I’m trying to make my own Menage A Trois (it’s a wine people, get your minds out of the gutter) only tonight it’s a Menage a Deux.

So here I am again alone with only my thoughts to keep my company. I may as well let them out and come what may. You all may have heard about Steven Curtis Chapman and the tragedy that he and his family are facing with the loss of their five year old. I cried. I don’t know them but I cried. I cry a lot and it is easy for me to sympathize with people. But this was different, this was a scared cry. I’m going to be 100% honest here and I know that not everyone will agree but again, I’m just saying what I feel. If something happened to Prayse I would not want to go on living. My prayer would be to take me too. Because the songs and the people saying “all we need is Jesus” I always wonder who wrote them and if they are “qualified.” Anyone can say those words if they haven’t really experienced tragedy. They’re easy to say if you aren’t really at risk for losing what means the most to you. Yes, that is the ideal. Maybe my relationship with God is not where it should be. Maybe my faith is not strong enough. But I do not JUST need Jesus, I need Prayse too. In order for my life to be complete, in order for my life to make sense, in order for me to go on living I need my daughter. Period. I need my family. Me without her? Inconceivable. She is literally a part of me and if she goes I go. So I’m just telling you God, we are a package deal. The Chapmans are obviously an amazing family, their faith in you is I’m sure stronger than mine much of the time. I would never say that I deserve more, but I am telling you the truth.

I once asked a co-worker if I was over-reacting because I feel so strongly about this. This fear is really never far from the surface. He told me that it was the same with him. You go on living your normal life but it’s like this feeling that in some part of your brain you are constantly in fear of losing your kids. Getting on a plane, even though you do it all the time, you think twice and send up a prayer because you have to get home to your kids. It was hard to ask and hard to admit because I don’t want to get obsessive about it or compulsive about it but if you could get inside my head and inside my prayers you could almost say the first part with me. “Lord THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this little blessing.” I always finish up begging Him to keep her safe and to keep her away from those that would harm her. Is it a “Mom thing” or do I go overboard?

Okay, that is probably enough rambling for tonight anyway. I’m sure I have made a fool of myself enough. I’ll leave you with the sweetest thing you’ve seen all day:

Prayse and I were just playing with her toy cell phone so I told her it was for her and held it up to her ear. Our conversation went a little something like this:
Mama: “Prayse, can you say ‘hi’?”

Prayse: “Hi.”

Mama: “WHAT??? Did you just really say ‘hi’?”

Prayse: “Hi.”

What is going on?? She is growing up way too fast! It has been such an emotional week, I burst into tears unexpectedly this week at Michael’s because it hit me that I am going to have to start planning her first birthday party. Beautifully Unique’s babe turned one, Sister was the first of our “July” babies. Why are they all growing up so fast? Why?