Clear Epic

I’ve been losing momentum lately. It’s all going south and I’m having a hard time stopping the spiral.

Finances are getting lacksidascial - how do we get the drive back? When we’re frustrated with each other we seem to take it out that way. How do we get un-frustrated? How do we all accomplish what we need to personally and professionally and still be a famiily? A time is coming where it will be single parenthood for a few months - I hate those few months. I want to make up for the lost time I know is coming and I’m pushing buttons without meaning to. I want to make up for the time I know is coming where there will be no - or hardly any - “me time” - and I am ending up pushing buttons and creating frustration without realizing it.

I am craving my time - no time to run by myself, if I do have the opportunity I end up with company - no time because of business meetings that sneak up for volleyball, was told last night that I might have company even IF I could go play - no time for me, no time to be me -  I HAD to sneak out last night. I NEEDED my girls, if only for an hour and a half. I needed them. I needed the drive with the windows down and the music blaring - I needed the mindless noise blasting around me and the wind in my face in order to clear my head and just think of nothing. It’s a rare treat it is - nothing. I need “nothing” sometimes.

I need there to be daddy/daughter one on one time. I see the light in her eyes when she asks for Daddy and goes running around to look for him. I see the excitement when they get that time and I come home and she tells me all about it. She needs it. There is coming a time where it will be next to impossible to get it.

How do I get it all done and still communicate my feelings in a positive way? I am failing at that and putting a strain on my marriage and in doing so I see that the waves from the one issue  affecting things around us: finances, communication, frustration on everything we say, no cuddle time, no hugs, no “good mornings,” no smiles, no exciting things to discuss and share… we’re regressing. I hate that. Nothing more I hate than that right now - and how do I fix it? It takes time, time to be, time to talk, time, and that was the issue that started this all. No time.

I have no answers, but I need some.

The past three weekends have been so incredibly fun. I was never one of those individuals who lived for the weekends. Ever since I started working at my current job I’ve never really dreaded Mondays (well, for the most party, until recently). But Prayse it at an age where everything is exciting to her, everything is such a good time, and she wants me to be involved in all of it.

We’ve went to Minneapolis, went back home for a parade and a close friend’s wedding reception, and this weekend we had a garage sale on Saturday and a mini-family reunion at my Uncle’s cabin on Sunday. Soooo fun! She gets so excited to tell me and show me everything. It was also great to see her interacting with her Aunts, Uncles, and cousins that we don’t get to see very often. We came from various parts of Nebraska, San Antonio TX, and Libby MT - P was asking for her “Aunt Neese” last night when we got home.

Those pictures are on R’s camera so I’ll have to beg for those later - but here are a few from the wedding. It’s becoming apparent my 3 readers enjoy looking at Prayse more than anything else about this blog It’s okay - she’s the best thing about me.

Enjoy my family! I’m the luckiest gal around

I had much more to share - random things that won’t get out of my mind and need to be exorcist(ed) - or whatever the right term is, but the self-reflection will have to wait. Little girls, husbands, and nieces need to be woken up and put into action this morning.

Have a wonderful week!

I stole a few minutes for myself this morning. I am not working (woo hoo!), I am not thinking about work (WOOO HOOO!!), I am not cleaning the kitchen, loading/unloading the dishwasher, putting clothes left randomly around in the dirty clothes backet… nope. I stole a few minutes for myself in deed, with my cup of coffee, my Bible, and a seat on our new patio. I read through Matthew 7 this a.m. - I’m going to spend some more time in that chapter. There’s so much meat there, a once over isn’t enough reflection, that’s for sure.

But my “me time” is quickly running out as we’ll be rushing to an 8:00 a.m. meeting at work with a client, so I took a few of the early pictures I downloaded and wanted to share my lovey with you all. She’s certainly growing up!

I know it’s a big picture, but I wanted to show you TALL she is! Over the 100th percentile this one. So many people are shocked when I tell them she’s not even 2 yet. This is when we were ditched by Daddy one night so we went to a Luau with Aunt Tara and company. P was so excited, she kept saying “LUAU! LUAU!” and shaking her hips.

And notice the hair? It’s as close as we come to pigtails my friends

This is our “helper” as we are preparing for our garage sale this weekend. It doesn’t even begin to show the actual dirt, but boy did she have fun “helping!” As did her baby who ended up with marker all over her, they took a bath together to say the least!

Here are a few from the start of our Girls Weekend to Minneapolis:

We took some self-portraits to start off the trip. I love them myself, she was so excited about going on an airplane!

That’s a classic Prayse grin right there!

The start of a beautiful love, hate, love, “that’s mine,” “here you go,” “Come here Prayse,” “Nenzy!”, “That’s MY Mama!” relationship. Can’t wait to see them continue to grow up together. We’ve decided that it’s going to be an annual thing.

We now have to REALLY watch our language in front of our parrot Praysie. Wednesday while driving her to school I was at a red light and was helping pick up Cheerios - again. I realized I missed the green turn signal and responded with, “Oh geez!” Immediately a little high pitched voice popped up in the back, “OOOhhhhhhhh Geeeeeez!” “Oh geez.” “Oooooooohhhhhh GEEEEEEEZZZZZZ!”

I responded, “Oh my goodness, time to watch my language.”

I hear: “Oh my goodness. Ooooooooohhhhhh geeeeez! Oooooooohhhhh my gooooooodneeeeeeees. Oh geez. OOOoohhh GEEEEEEEEZ!”

Hmmmm…. yep. Time to be way more careful!

There was another funeral today. I struggle with these so much. To be honest I’m still struggling with the loss of my sister’s SIL. This story was a little different, but not any less heartbreaking. He was a man who had lived an amazing life, four children, grandchildren, and a wife of 57 years. Incredibly loved, having inspired so many by coaching for over 40 years. His grandson read a tribute to him and through tears preached the truth: When you hear of someone like Bob dying we ultimately know that the “rational” response of ‘He lived a good life, death is natural.’ ‘At his age it is sometime’s a blessing.’ It’s all wrong. We know that, it’s wrong that someone who could have coached basketball for longer can’t do it any more. It is wrong that an amazing husband, father, granddad, friend and hero - is gone. It’s a blessing that we share the same faith - he made the world a better place, he’ll do the same for heaven. It’s a hope that there will be a reunion someday.

Sitting there waiting for the Celebration of Life to begin, I kept re-reading how long he was married to his wife. Fifty-seven years. This is what breaks my heart. It is always about those left behind. How could you make it through? How could you do it without your best friend there? FIFTY-SEVEN YEARS! Again, I share the same faith - but even with that - how do you go to bed alone? How do you do something as simple as keep breathing when you wake up and realize your best friend, who has been there for fifty-seven years isn’t there when you roll over?

Every morning I spend a few minutes looking at Raymonn when I wake up (if I can get the sometimes pillow off of his face without being growled at that is). I love it - I think about us, I think about our life, goals, dreams, hopes, Prayse - and I think about how lucky I am to have him and who he is. I would be devastated and we’ve been married 4 years. Imagine that times 10 and then it’s all gone.

I can’t comprehend it - my heart hurts for her.

I truly do! When I wrote the post about Raymonn’s ex-girlfriend I was serious - she looked gorgeous. But I realize I got the man. She got a good man too. I can’t say for sure, but I believe we’re both happy with the roads life has led us down. I know I am. I wouldn’t trade any choice I’ve made ever - look what all of them, both good and bad got me: an amazing family with the best little soon-to-be, heart of gold, beautiful, amazing, independent, funny, race track, can’t sit still for anything little girl and a husband who adores us both!

But I LOVE that my girls have stood up for me and made me feel good about myself. That’s what girlfriends are for. I always feel for those who tell me, “I just make better friends with guys that with girls. I don’t have girlfriends, I’m not good at that.” I used to feel like that was the case for me too - but looking back over my life and the memories I have. Looking back and seeing who is still in my life and who I keep up with, who is REALLY there for me - it’s always been my girlfriends. Those guys who were such great friends? They were cool, they played a role in my life when the time was right - now that we’ve all grown up with spouses and children - they’re gone. It’s okay. They should be, but it’s my girls who are still here. That’s how it should be too.
Thank you for the love and support! I love you gals!

Coming soon… pictures from our big girls weekend! Miss P and I went to spend the weekend in Minnesota with a college roommate and her soon-to-be three year old. It may take just a bit - my computer has currently been confiscated at nights by my fifteen year old niece who is staying with us.  I may be able to wrestle it away from her, but I believe this is her lifeline to the outside world or something…

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are certain facts of life. There are certain things in life that just are. Plain and simple. It’s like the Law of Gravity. We learn some new and some old, but it doesn’t matter what or when - it’s gonna be the way it’s gonna be. Life is better if we just accept it and keep on steppin.

Here’s the newest Law I’ve learned:

When you see your husband’s ex-girlfriend, she will always look fabulous. She will look refreshed and put together, make up perfect. You will look travel-weary with any sense of make-up having been worn off, hair falling out all over the place and have a clingy child that for the life of her will not give that million dollar smile that she’s best known for.

It just is the way it is. That’s all.

I really am enjoying our church’s new head pastor. I’m not sure what it is, if it’s him, or the place we’re at in our lives and especially our marriage- we enjoy going to church together. This Sunday, R let me sleep in (YAAAAAAYYYY) - I woke up at about 8:50, went downstairs and said let’s make it to church. We missed the praise and worship - but we made it to the 9:00 service, a bit late.

Pastor Rick continued in Matthew with another series - this one drove home for me. He talked about the passage in Matthew 5:13 - 16 about being the salt of the earth and a light to shine before men. It was timely because I had  read this passage just last week in my own QT and needed the reminder again. The whole point is that our presence makes a difference - what we say, what we don’t say - everything we do, it makes a difference. There were three immediate things that came to mind to Jesus’ audience that he was speaking to when he spoke of salt:

1. Salt heals
2. Salt flavors
3. Salt preserves

I have been angry at work for a long time, and then after the anger came a sad complacent demeanor. I accepted, but was sad about the choices, sad that I didn’t fit in, sad that it was (is) a continual battle to be what and who I want to be. Yeah, I’ve been making a difference alright - but not the difference I want to make. I want to subtly stand out for my good attitude, for the way I treat and talk about and love people. I need an attitude adjustment. No matter the job title, the circumstances, God is going to take care of me and my family. A friend once told me that she believes God honors the right motives. I need to do more than believing that, I need to start living it.

Okay - so maybe around our house it’s Got SOY Milk? But we’re working on it I was contacted a couple of weeks ago by an individual working with the “got milk?” campaign.

From March to August, the national “got milk?” Milk Mustache Mobile’s Drink Well. Live Well. Tour is traveling coast-to-coast to reintroduce Americans to milk- a nutrient powerhouse. The “got milk?” - Drink Well. Live Well. - Milk Mustache Mobile Tour will be cruising through the Omaha and Lincoln area June 5 - June 11 hosting a series of free, community events to help Omaha and Lincoln area residents achiever overall wellness and to raise the community’s awareness on the health and wellness benefits of milk.

At events, residents can:

• Experience the “Wellness Oasis” and get tips on how to achieve wellness and balance in their life
• Sample low fat and fat free milk from local dairies
• Enjoy fresh vanilla-banana Soothie Smoothies
• Relax with free five-minute chair massages by a licensed massage therapist
• Receive free health screenings from a registered dietician
• Pose for a celebrity-inspired Milk Mustache souvenir photo
• Enter sweepstakes to win a free year’s supply of milk and a healthy meal prepared by a personal chef

The “got milk?” Tour will kick off at the Lincoln Children’s Zoo on Friday, June 5 from 11 a.m. - 2 p.m.

We’ll be heading to the Zoo to attend with some friends of ours and bring along a picnic  to enjoy before we play in the park! It’s going to be a great time!

The Full Event schedule for the week if you can’t make it on Friday is:

• Saturday, June 6 - 11:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. Taste of Omaha/Heartland, 800 Douglas St., Omaha
• Sunday, June 7 - 12:00 - 2:00 Fun-Plex Amusement and Water Park, 7003 Q St, Omaha
• Monday, June 8 - 5:00 - 7:00 Hy-Vee, 1601 N 84th St, Lincoln
• Tuesday, June 9 - 5:00 - 7:00 Super Saver, 2662 Cornhusker Highway, Lincoln
• Wednesday, June 10 - 5:00 - 7:00 Crete Food Mart, 925 Main Ave, Crete
• Thursday, June 11 5:00 - 7:00 No Frills Store, 1230 N Washington, Papillion

Be sure to visit whymilk.com to download the New Face of Wellness Report and get educated on the science-based research benefits of being a milk-drinker. You can also download recipes, receive wellness tips and share wellness steps. If you’re like us - you can just substitute soy or rice milk

See you all there! We’ll be sure to share our milk mustache photos of my cutie pie!

More than anything one of the biggest lessons I have learned this year is how truly hurt someone can get when they are talked about behind their back. We’re all guilty of it, me included. But dang when the tables are turned it’s a bruise to the ego - and we’re all friends so let’s be honest - to your heart. When someone you respect and look up to makes a few consistent comments behind your back and it finds its way to your ears… ouch.

I remember over a year ago when we made the decision to pull Prayse from her current daycare. It was the right decision. It was not a good place for her to be, or for me as a Mama to take my baby to. The issues taking place were affecting every aspect of my life, but especially work. And not just because there was not a single week (okay, two) where my daughter wasn’t sent home “sick”, but because always hearing what a bad day your baby had causes havoc to your life mentally and emotionally. I also was struggling with coming back to work - even six months later. The ability to take her somewhere so close to work - and so expensive - was a blessing because it allowed me to spend time with her on Fridays. It allowed me to work from home on Fridays. Everyone involved knew you don’t get as much done with a baby, now toddler hanging around - but it seemed to work out. Yes, it meant working some nights, getting up early some mornings, working some weekends… that’s okay with me. I am a much more stable and emotionally healthy Mama. I put 200% more effort into my job while I’m there and more than willing to work the extra hours. I had a great year last year, worked on deals that totaled more than $8 million total contract value. It was more than Europe.

Not enough. Hours for dollars my friend - fit inside our mold. THIS is the way to success. ??

When my then boss left our company - she left to become CMO. Chief Mommy Officer. She was so successful, had risen the ranks, one of the most powerful and influential people in our company. She did it at the expense of her kids. It was time to change that, to have succession plans for her kids and not just fellow co-workers. She told me at her house after leaving, “Don’t let them take away your Fridays. Stick to your guns, it’s necessary for you.” I’m sticking to my guns - at a cost, but it’s worth it in the end I believe.

I have overheard comments and conversations and been told about conversations being had by two individuals in particular commenting that I’m a part-timer, that I only work four days out of the week. I wouldn’t normally care, if these two individuals did not have a direct line to our President and COO. I wouldn’t normally care if I hadn’t known one of them since I was 17 and assumed he knew my work ethic as he watched me train 40+ hours a week while carrying 18 college credits, through fatigue, through major injury - all for a National Championship - all for a team. I wouldn’t normally care if one of the individuals wasn’t one of the people I look up to most not only in our company but also as a person, a husband, and a father. Then I care.

As I sat at my computer at 12:45 a.m. this morning working on a proposal and a presentation we’re submitting to a Fortune 2 company today and working on a proposal for one of our top clients at 5:00 a.m. this morning to present some additional options - I asked myself, “Why? Why am I doing this? Do part-timers put in this effort? Should I even be doing this? Why do I stinkin care so much?” I care because not only are these two of our top clients - but the people behind the company brand have become my friends. I know that if done successfully, these projects can help make careers. Not my career (obviously, because I’m just a part-timer), but it doesn’t always matter - you want your friends to succeed and you’ll do what you have to.

Still, the temptation was there. The temptation to prove them right, just once, instead of continually proving them wrong, was the strongest I’ve ever experienced. It’s tiring. I’m tired.