Clear Epic

I’ve never prayed that prayer before in my entire life, but it was the prayer running through my mind this morning.  Something felt different. I slipped on my clothes for the day and came downstairs to start some coffee and it just kept running through my mind. See the plan was a last minute one, but it was one to go see my Grandad in the hospital. He was back there again, after talking with him yesterday evening I knew something was wrong. They said he had had a min-stroke, I don’t know the total effects of it all, but something was just wrong. I had to be there. It was imperative, I had to be there.

God knew.

He put in my mind the conversation I had with him before last spring when he went to Montana. The doctors had told him if he went he wouldn’t be coming back alive. To which my Grandad had promptly replied that it was his God who was his great surgeon, none other. We had a great weekend before they left and I got the chance to pour my heart out, to tell him what a hero he is to me and to thousands of others - but I feel blessed because they may have called him “grandad” and yes we’re family through Christ, but I always always have felt just a bit more pride because he is my real Grandad.

God knew.

And when I saw my Dad calling - I knew too.

I knew in a heartbeat - “God be merciful” would be come the prayer for my family today, not my Grandad because God had already been merciful.

My heart broke, is breaking - but that prayer is for me today.

Grandad, it’s okay. You were so so tired last night. Thank you for answering your phone, it took so much out of you but it gave me the chance to tell you I love you. And I got to hear it too. You were so tired, you fought so hard for years - and all for us. Thank you for that gift. I can’t even imagine the lines and lines of people in heaven that you were the reason they are there. What a party you all must be having right now.  I wish I could see it, I wish I could be cheering and celebrating with you. And I am, sort of. I am so happy for you and proud of you. I’m proud of the fight you put up and I’m proud that when God called your name, I’m sure you went sprinting into his arms. You my love have the highest honor from our Lord. My goodness if anyone has earned the privilege of hearing those words, “Well done my good and faithful servant,” it has been you. I’m sure they were said right before the biggest bear hug in the world from our Savior. You are standing - well, knowing you, you’re flat on your face in adoration and singing praises, but doing it all in the presence of the almighty God. I’m kind of jealous of that fact to be honest.

I love you so much. I love you. I can’t say it enough. But I love you. And I’m sad right now, because I miss you already. But I know you’ll be waiting to greet me someday, and don’t worry we’ll take care of your lovey who you married almost 60 years ago. I know she was the reason you hung around so long, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave someone so awesome either. She is beautiful, inside and out. You got yourself a catch my friend. I was thinking this morning before Dad had called about your boxing days and about being offered the chance to place professional baseball and your answer of “Sorry fellas, I gotta girl I’ve got to marry.” Boy, did you make the right choice or what?

I love you, thanks for being my hero.

It just hit me. Took me totally by surprise. I claim no responsibility. When it just hits you what are you supposed to do? Go down swinging? We were in church for goodness sakes! Now the Lord loves a genuine response, but the other couple of hundred people, well - I had to just sit there, and take it, and think. Nothing I could do about it.

And the fact that it’s stuck with me? Well, I’m just a sticky person I guess! Not my fault, definitely not my fault.

I can’t help that those four little words just keep circulating and circulating. I proclaim my innocence!

“I.”

“Want.”

“Another.”

“Baby.”

Wrong time. Wrong place. Did you not just read about how tired I am? About how much I travel right now? What about the fact that Raymonn is now on his own, trying to make it on his own and doesn’t have the corporate fall back plan? (Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. Didn’t forget really, it was just hard to write because layoffs suck and are scary - even when they push you to be better and grab hold of something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time.)

Maybe it’s Prayse who has been talking about going to the airport to go get her little sister for the past 4 weeks. That’s right, I’m blaming the 2 year old. Shame on me.

Maybe it’s seeing how AWESOME Prayse is with babies. She is a natural caregiver that one. Maybe it’s also her continual desire to see “her” baby Maddox (my best friends almost 4 month old).

Recovery? Recovery sucked! Pushing out a 9 lb little dudette - wow. See, I figured the memories of that would never fade… uhhh… but they give you drugs for that right? Oh and little pillows to sit on right? Hmmmm…..

Okay, okay - yes, it takes two. I would never push R into something like this and I know for him it’s definitely not the right time. He feels pretty strongly about it. But as we were talking in bed about him wanting a little baby boy and me wanting another baby girl (like we both just get to choose the egg and sperm) - it just popped out of my mouth. It was supposed to remain my secret, mine alone as I conquer this crazy thought, hoping it would go away when I realized the reality of our crazy life - “Well, honey, when you are ready to start trying I’m ready.”

Loooooong silence.

“Yeah right, 3 weeks ago I mentioned it and you told me no way.”

“Yeah, I know. Things changed.”

So, I’m crazy right? I am definitely crazy! To want this scene again and for Prayse to be added in on the right:

Definitely crazy to want to see this again too - because this is the peaceful part right? I mean this doesn’t show the nursing every 2 hours, crying baby, no milk diet… right? Right!?

Because right after this scene here comes diaper blowouts - and we’re still in diaper debt (not actual, but it feels like it). We don’t want to start over when the end may be in sight with one potty trained right? Who wants to start over? Not me! Not me. Not me?

See this cuteness? This is during the daytime. See, at night it’s a different story right?

Wouldn’t Prayse fit so well into this picture? Can’t you just see her beaming with her baby brother or baby sister? Being the proud little Mama that she is? What am I saying? I am crazy!

Quick! Somebody Tell Me I’m Crazy!

They say that vacations are a must and that they need to be a priority. Totally true. I didn’t even realize. Last year we had other priorities, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But with hard hard work - comes the necessity for rest, total, complete, utter rest and relaxation. I cannot get my mind off of it. I think about it all the time - I am hoping in June or July (probably July) that we can get away. I just need a house, a beach, and my family. With just those three things I would be set.

It’s a dream that’s never far from my mind, but there are definitely triggers that make me crave time away with my family. I’m traveling 3 out of 4 weeks for work this week. The one week I’m home R and I have signed up to go to a marriage conference (no, we’re not on the brink of divorce or of killing each other but we wanted to be proactive - actually it was all R, “Go honey!!”).

So I get a call yesterday from a client who says to me, “March 12th. Brazil.” Uhhhhh………. can we talk about this tomorrow? It’s a great client, an amazing client who I would do almost anything for. And I’m not completely panicking yet and there are some options for other people to go (hopefully, if they don’t turn me down). Years ago, pre-marriage I would be all about jumping on a plane w/ a weeks (or even a days) notice. But it’s not my life anymore. Raymonn and I miss each other - we don’t get much quality time as it is. Prayse misses her Mommy and keeps getting sick on me which I hate. We all just need a break, together. We need time together and we just don’t get it while at home. There is always something, always rushing for work, R is one of the busiest people I know and while he’s trying to get his own business up and running it’s even worse as he is meeting with someone here or there, joining this group or that. He watches P while I’m gone so he deserves time to himself and to get this stuff going - it’s important!

Ack, I don’t even know what I’m thinking or complaining about. I really do have a great life. It’s just these things, these little (or big) surprises that throw off the delicate balance and make me realize how tired I am

Off to see if Miss P feels good today - not sure how much I got accomplished in this one, but… that’s my life!

March 1 is upon us. February came, and February went. Usually I feel like the days, weeks, months just FLY by! My goodness, this one dragged on and on. I’m thinking it’s the fact that we’ve had snow on the ground since November, and even w/ the snow in other places I see pictures my friends take of their little ones outside making snow angels, etc… I can only think to myself, “It’s STILL below zero wind chill here! We can’t even enjoy the snow if we wanted to!”

But this weekend - there were glimmers of hope all over. It was the first Sunday going to church this month where it wasn’t snowing! We were able to play outside on Saturday. Granted, it was 35 degrees - technically only 3 degrees above freezing, but do you know how GOOD it felt?! There were bikes to be rode, balls to be kicked, snow to be climbed on, until she realized how cold the snow was, and then more bikes! I was able to leave the car outside and put the Christmas decorations back into the rafters of our garage (when you have a small house like us, you make do with what you’ve got!). I can actually get to our freezer again. Just being outside and not having your teeth hurt because it’s so cold felt amazing. AND there were fresh pineapples at the grocery store! And grapes were $1.77/lb and not $4.00/lb.

R and I have decided we’re going to start doing things a bit differently. We need a kick in the shorts. Financially we got off track in February. I was traveling a lot and got too tired lazy to really meal plan when I’m home, grocery shop, or care about our finances. It’s embarrassing how much we spent on useless, unnecessary stuff. BUT - you can only pick yourself up where you fall down in order to keep moving. So that’s what we’re doing.

We spent the morning yesterday cleaning the house as a family. After church this morning we braved the crowds and went grocery shopping (usually a no-no on my list - grocery shopping on a Sunday?? Too many people!). And our refrigerator has more fresh fruit and fresh vegetables than you would believe. It’s great! We’re going to start eating healthier. I seriously think we ate out and more junk in February than all of 2009. Seriously, we did so well last year and I think we were just tired. So, I hope we enjoyed the “rest” because we’re back at it now. We are not out of debt, we have work to do people!

Here we go!

We all claim our own “creative license.” Usually in the kitchen. Usually when you hear about it - or I hear about it anyway- or envision it, it is from these wonderful chefs whisking through their gourmet kitchen
“A little of this! A little bit of that! A dash of such and such will make it perfect!”

Me?
“You want pancakes P? Ok. No pancake mix. Let’s look online.”
“Perfect! This one calls for self-rising flour. I need to get rid of it because I have no clue what to do with it!”
“Okay - 2 eggs… we only have one egg. So… one egg and we’ll just half the recipe.”
“Milk. How did I not notice our milk expired FOUR days ago??”
(At this point Prayse so willingly offers her soy milk for what is turning into our ‘experiment’.)
“All right, soy milk. And Blueberries!”
(P begins to pick them up and throw them in the bowl).
“WAIT! There is mold on that one - we have to throw these away!”
“MAMA! NO! Those ones are already in there, you can’t pick them up! There are eggs. You’ll break out.” (P is allergic to eggs - in their raw format).
Okay… add in a dose of prayer for my family’s safety… and we have a batch of homemade pancakes - which were actually good!

Let’s start thinking about dinner. I set out chicken legs to thaw - and for the life of me other than throwing them under the broiler with the usual combo of random spices (another way I like to pretend I’m a chef ) - let’s see what else we can find!

BBQ Wings
Here we go!
1/2 c Teriyaki sauce
1/4 c Soy sauce
1/4 c Oyster sauce - what in the what? Don’t got it.
1/4 c ketchup - now, who in their right mind with a toddler in the house doesn’t have ketchup? I can’t even remember the last time we used it. SO - in goes 1/4 c BBQ Sauce
1/4 c honey - no honey. In goes 1/4 c maple syrup (I had a bit of the real stuff)
2 T garlic powder
1/2 c white sugar
2 dashes liquid smoke
1/4 c gin - ?? I don’t think we’ve ever bought gin, we’ll have to make do with gin-less bbq wings

Mix together in a bowl, place chicken in bowl and cover. Place in refrigerator overnight or for at least 8 hours. Grill 18 minutes on one side - 20 on the other.

At the Adams’ house - throw all ingredients into a gallon size zip lock and smoosh. Put in chicken. Dinner is in 2 hours, not 8 so the 2 hours will have to do. It is 20 degrees outside and our patio and grill is covered in snow. Broil for approx 10 min/side… lower top rack or smoke may or may not start coming out of the oven approximately 4 minutes after you start the clock…

They turned out great! However, unless I’m ready to get creative again for all three meals today - it’s definitely time to go grocery shopping!

In the beginning God created man and woman, he created them to be for each other- he looked and saw that it was good (well, most days anyway - ha!) See the next part of Adam and Eve’s story is focused more on the fact that they screwed up, got kicked out of paradise - they had babies, but one of their first two killed each other - ay, they had enough drama to write about. But I WISH it talked about their actual marriage and how they worked through all of this new stuff together, with the new kids on the block.
R has mentioned with increasing frequency that our marriage is no longer the same - he is right. Some of it we’ve grown, evolved, changed - we are no longer in some of the same classes, living apart yet still on the same small campus, training together every day. We’re in two separate worlds during the day and coming together as man and wife in the evenings. With two demanding jobs, a lovey little girl, and a house and finances and just plain lives to take care of.
So here is my question - and I am seriously asking, so even if you are a lurker and have an opinion, please share it with me - when the demands of life change and take more time and energy, and when there is a helpless little being that comes into your life, what are some of the things you do and ways you keep your marriage alive and healthy?
I will admit that I am guilty. I am. I’ll stand up and raise my hand. As I come home and immediately am blasted by the demands of this piece of my life - you can only do a quick war zone strategy and put together your plan: Dinner needs made - the toddler is starting to melt down- dishes from last night’s dinner are still in the sink and everywhere - should probably get those handled so there is room on the counter for tonight’s dinner dishes (maybe that’s just our house?). The toddler wants to share about her day - she needs help with this, help with that - I haven’t seen R or shown him affection, he wants to share about his day and I want to hear about it - he wants to know about my day, and for the life of me at this point in the evening I am having a hard time remembering the specifics and if I do - are they that interesting?
Raymonn often gets the time shaft. I am not saying it is right, in fact the more I recognize it, the more I hate it. What do you do? When you assess the situation and you have one who is grown and independent and one who is not grown and dependent - how do you balance the emotional, physical, and relational needs of them both? How do you win at this game? Remember - you have to throw your own emotional, physical, and relational needs in there at some point.
I’m not complaining - I love my life. I wouldn’t choose another family, another situation, another husband - I have the best daughter there is… (you do too). But even last night as R and I were talking about time management - we were approached with an “opportunity” - an idea which would require more time. So, do we have it? Could we find it I mentioned that this time would not come from those few hours in the evening when we get home from work/school and P is awake. Those are the hours I want to spend with P and R. Raymonn commented something to the effect of, “No. You don’t pay attention to me.” Or that that is Prayse’s time with me - not his. These have been building up with increasing frequency.
There are times when R is talking, Prayse needs something or is also asking for something and I am listening to him while trying to help her - and it’s doesn’t seem to be enough. I know I need to 100% focus on him and I am getting better, especially while in the car and I know the child is belted in and not getting into anything or attempting to “do it myself!” (resulting in climbing on something high, teetering on the edge of whatever ledge it is to get what she wants).
I want to be a better wife, friend, lover (yeah - I said it). How do you balance it and still keep your marriage what it was? I saw some research in school about satisfaction in marriage, it was a perfect inverse bell curve - which perfectly coincided with kids and the time they are born - through the time that they leave. So I know research has proven that kids, while we love them dearly - are the reason that satisfaction in marriage takes a dip. I’m not okay accepting status quo however - because I want more kids and I want an awesome marriage. I am open to ideas - we’re heading to a marriage seminar in March, I’m excited to see what I learn about myself and about being a better best friend to the one I said “I do” to.
So - thoughts? Advice? What’s your story? I’m all ears, willing and ready to make changes.

While I hate traveling - I love coming home. Prayse is so chock full of things to tell me and while bedtime lasts twice as long, I never mind because we have some of the best conversations! As I came home Wednesday night and we were getting ready for bed (late) she just couldn’t stop talking about a number of different things, all in the same sentence

We discussed how she was reading to her friends - complete with a visual and her signature head cocked to one side statement, and she suddenly told me I had pushed Brynn and needed to go take a break. I informed her I would NEVER push Brynn! Brynn is my friend! So she started talking about everyone that had to take a break and for what. Then it dawned on me as I asked with a smile,

“Prayse, did you have to take a break too?”

(Dramatic pause - followed by a huge  two year old grin).

“Yeah.”

“Why did you have to take a break?”

(Signature head cock again - and another grin) “Because I hit Max.”

“Why did you hit Max? He’s your friend.”

“Well, he hit me. So I hit him.”

LOL! What am I to say to that?? Turns out she did need to take a break that day, but it wasn’t for hitting Max. She did hit him, but it was an accident while she was playing an instrument. I love how kids minds work - and I love her honesty, even if it’s not quite on point.

Enjoy some picture (late) of my little Valentine. I LOVE the video at the end - you can witness for yourself Prayse reading to her friends. She just glows in the limelight when all attention is on her. Wonder where she got that from? (Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, DADDY…)

Prayse’s fun snack at school during their Valentine’s day party:

Washing her hands… but looking cute doing so

Little Miss Brynn - she is so darn adorable. Her and P are the only girls in their classroom -  which is why they are rough can hold their own!

Playing at the Sensory Table (wish we had one of these) with her proclaimed “Best Friend” Alex (he’s the little guy right next to her - to her right, left of her as we look at the picture - that kid is pretty awesome!)

Picture of P reading (video is down farther):

What I like to call the “Mama Train” as I had three little boys all wanting to sit on my lap while P was reading. This was our compromise! Call me crazy - but I totally think I could rock at being a PreSchool teacher.

Random, non-Valentine’s day pictures of Prayse chillin with another BFF/Worst Enemy (depending on the MINUTE you are asking)

And finally - the video, which makes me giggle every time - she is so grown up.

After watching this you cannot say again, “Nebraska? What’s in Nebraska?” Enjoy a little show of the state I like to call home

You might be scratching your heads. You might be thinking - “She’s over two and a half years old Tiff- duh you have a walker!” You might even be thinking - “How’d she NOT notice this?”

I understand - but you see, there are all types of walking. True, Prayse started putting one foot in front of the other when she was about 9 months old. BUT she never figured out that the same strategy worked at night - until now. For the past few weeks in the middle of the night our door would open and I’d see a halo of curls from the  glow of the Princess night light (of course it’s a Princess one - don’t act like you’re surprised by this) in the hallway and a tiny little voice would come drifting into the bed, “Mommy? Daddy?”

“Come on up baby.”

Maybe we could have from the start gotten our tired bums out of bed and went back into her room with her (again) - but one can get worn down. That’s for sure.

You see - I probably should be agreeing a bit more whole heartedly when R says, “We’ve got to break her of this one.” I should definitely be walking back to her bedroom with her - she would be okay as long as I lay down with her - until she wakes up the next time that is.

But - there’s always a “but.” But I kind of like it. Maybe it’s the realization that every day she grows up more. I’m banking on the increased Mommy Guilt that I feel due to my increased travel schedule (I’m gone again next week, maybe the week after). I am losing out on snuggles and when I’ve started to travel more consistently is when P started seeking us out at night. She’s losing out on snuggles too.

I was discussing with a friend yesterday and she had the perfect words of advice (of course they were even more perfect because they validated my feelings - which is exactly what girlfriends are for) - she said, “Time is too precious to turn them away. There are very limited times in our daughters life where they want their Mama’s. We need to make the most of them.”

Besides, who could resist this?

Or this?

Or this? Okay - maybe this, yeah - maybe this one

One to throw in for the “big kid” - just kidding. But my sexy hubby is also hard to resist

Nope - she’s impossible to resist, especially right now. So I think I’ll just enjoy my extra snuggles - and try not to think about the extra kicks and little heels that somehow end up in my throat! The snuggles are worth it.

For some time now I’ve been attempting to be more consistent spending time in the Word - it’s something that wasn’t consistent enough in 2009 but one that I have found to be cherished in 2010. I often need a morning like this, one where I have 20-30 minutes to myself as a wake up call. A morning when I roll over and want to keep sleeping but my friend whispers to me, “Come spend time with me. I miss you.” That’s humbling.

For some reason I’ve started at both beginnings - both Genesis and Matthew. I’m not sure why I neglected the Old Testament for so long - there are so many priceless jewels. It’s no accident though - there have been things God has wanted to show me. I am amazed, simply amazed at how much people screwed up. And not just any people - these are “the” people. Eve, Adam, Jacob, Joseph - I mean the people who changed the course of history. The individuals God used to change the world - and they also screwed up, multiple times. They questioned, they didn’t always have the faith that we remember them for.

God had to remind Abram (Abraham) multiple times in person even that he would make him a great nation with many descendants. If God showed up at my doorstep (literally) and made me a promise, I would like to think I’d remember it and savor it - but I am no better (and no worse) than Abraham. The dude’s wife asked that he sleep with his servant in order to have a son. Then he kicked the poor kid and his mother out when Sarai got ticked.

Lot’s two daughters - after being saved from the sulfur of Sodom and Gomorrah slept with their own father in order to get pregnant! Really? God can save your life, but not find you a husband?

Isaac, Rebekah, Esau, Jacob. Jacob stole his brother’s birthright, twice. But he was the father of Joseph - who we all know the great things he did. Did you also know he was a punk kid who intentionally made his brothers angry and gloated over them? Moses - the guy led the his people out of a country, he stood up to the Pharaoh - he separated the seas - and he killed someone. He married someone and refused to circumcise his son, then brought them on the start of their journey which could have endangered the entire thing (so much that God tried to kill Moses).

None of the stories or words I read were new per say, but to sit down and read it through consistently I have seen the bigger picture that even those we hold up as examples - those who, as I said before, changed the world - even they were not perfect, but God loved them anyway. He was patient and loved them through their imperfections for the plans He had for them.

It reminds me that I’m in good company - I am no better, but also no worse than these historical figureheads. It’s a good reality check that God loves me through all of my imperfections as well - and that I still need to work on them, but enjoy the blessings God has given me and just keep working towards the goals, the plan He has for my life - whatever that end result is.