So me being the first time Mom that I am, I called Prayse’s pediatrician’s office yesterday after work. P just wasn’t herself at daycare and had a sad day. Who could blame her? I explained everything that had went down and they were concerned that she was still having a systemic (?) reaction that late in the game. We made an appt for 8:00 this morning and hung up after a loooong list of things to look for and if I noticed any one of them to bring her to the ER. Fantastic.
Around 7:30 I noticed that I could hear her breathing across the room. She wasn’t struggling or turning blue but I freaked out because her breathing kept getting louder and louder! So I made the call which I always hate to make b/c I don’t want to be one of “those Moms.” The ones that bring in their child for a bump, you know who you are 
I love ya though! Thank goodness for my friend Andrea, I had to call her so she could tell me that I was doing the right thing. I just couldn’t wait all night! I knew I wasn’t going to get a lick of sleep and I was only running on 3 hours as it was!
The nurse who was looking at Prayse asked me if she was my first child with a smile. Yes, yes I am freaking out, and yes I need you to tell me that she will still be breathing at 8:00 tomorrow morning!! So then the cocky young doctor told me that I should have actually probably brought her in Sunday morning, which makes me feel SO good about my competency as a mother BTW. He did end up giving her a steroid to make it through until morning so she would sleep better and to try to knock out whatever was still keeping the reaction going. So at least I wasn’t sent home w/ nothing
Anyway, also being another one of “those Moms” I had to take a few pictures of her first trip to the ER. Girlfriend was obviously traumatized by the whole experience, can’t you tell?
What a weekend it has been. Shoot. What a TWO WEEKS we’ve had. Poor Miss P. Saturday I took her into the Dr after she was really clingy, fussy, and threw up her entire breakfast. She was scratching at her ears, but no fever. All I could tell the Dr was that “she just wasn’t her.” Thank goodness for a Mother’s Intuition. My babe has a double ear infection. Poor thing. Of course the antibiotic is evil, just evil. There is no way to mask it and we I have to hold her down, all the while screaming, to get any in her system. We both end up in tears by the time it is all over.
Then this morning I decided to give her a little bit of peanut butter on toast as a snack. I’ve held off because of the fear of an allergic reaction. Turns out I had a right to be scared. She had an immediate reaction to the stupid stuff. I have never seen her get red hives that big and that immediately. I freaked out. You hear all the time of dreaded peanut allergies where people’s throats close up and they cannot breathe. Thank goodness for Telephone Line to Care. With some benadryl at least some of the hives cleared up. Of course it was another few times of trying to get yet more medicine down her throat… fun.
So between those two things and generally not feeling well we have had a lot of tears and frustration. Poor boo. I wish I could take it all away, I wish Mamas had a magical power to absorb all of our babies’ hurt. I would take it in a second. It makes me realize how blessed we are. My sister works in a Children’s Hospital. Her stories make me cry. Little kids fighting cancer and being so brave. The parents who sit with them day after day trying to do whatever they can to make their days just a little brighter. The parents who fight and fight and fight. And the parents who realize that the pain has to stop and then do whatever they can to make their babies’ last days full of laughter and as pain free as possible. I can’t even imagine. It would be so hard for me to watch my child going through that and still come out of it saying, “God is good.” What an unfair world it is. The fear of what we cannot control could take over if we let it. You have to consider the possibility, shudder at the thought, throw up a prayer of thanks for the blessings we have, throw up another prayer begging not to be one of those families, and then keep moving, enjoying every single minute we are given. Even the sad, “Mama I don’t feel good but I can’t tell you” minutes.
Anyway, between being out of town last week and a sick baby this weekend I have not gotten anything done for work that I needed. It is 1:30 in the morning, I am on my third cup of coffee and just started giggling uncontrollably as I looked up the word “penetration” filling out a security document that I am highly unqualified to do. It was at that point, I knew I needed a short break.
Thank goodness for blogs.
I’ve been on the road and away from home only since Monday and I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon/evening. But I miss my baby! When I call and I hear her talking and laughing with other people it makes me sad. I’m glad that she is doing okay but it should be me getting her breakfast, me rocking her to sleep, me getting to get my big hug when she wakes up, and even me changing her diapers.
I just miss her, that’s all.
Ok, no more doom and gloom (today) I have yet to post Miss P’s birthday pictures but here is her “grand” experience at her first taste of real sugar. Talk about a girly-girl!!
There was the Civil Rights Movement to ensure equality for all races, backgrounds and ethnicities. There was the Woman’s Suffrage Association who started the Woman’s Rights Movement to ensure equality for all genders. Where is the “Mama’s Rights Movement”??? Why is it that there is not equality for women who want to focus on their families? Why is it so damn hard? Why are there so many hurdles to jump? Mountains to climb?
Why does there have to be a choice between putting your family first and being successful in the workplace? I just do not get it. I do not understand. When I was about to have P I remember sitting in a colleague’s office telling her that with me it was going to be different. I was going to find a way to be a valued member of our team, to be one of the top reps, to be respected, to make a lot of money, and on top of it all… to come home, be a Mom, and have family #1 on my list of priorities. I remember the expression on her face. She didn’t want to kill the dream, but had to warn me of reality. She told me that she really hoped I could do it. She told me that no one else had been able to and that if I could, it would help change the face of the company. You see traditionally if you look at who is really successful… I mean REALLY successful. It is men. It is men with amazing wifes who stay home with their beautiful children and devote themselves to their family. I can think of one who’s wife has a great job but does not travel for it.
Do you want to know what happened with my colleague? She found out she was pregnant right before I had Prayse. Her third beautiful little girl. On maternity leave she realized that she couldn’t keep the kind of schedule she had the previous 7 years. She was not able to find a place within our company doing what she loved while not traveling. She quit. I still held out hope because a position had been created for me which allowed me to be a significant part of the deal team with rare travel required (next week of course being an exception).
I was told yesterday that that was going away. My choices (thus far) are to move to an outside rep (travel required) or move to the entry-level sales position.
T.K.O.
Not just a sucker punch, not just getting the wind knocked out of me. Total knock out. It’s just how I feel. In one day I went from being one of the top producers in our company to being told that I really just don’t fit in. What a blow. Granted, I am being stubborn and telling them my feelings. But I do not want to be in a position where I am traveling all of the time. This sucky, tight-chested feeling that I have about next week? That would be my life. I would be on the road constantly. Been there. Done that. Finished. I wouldn’t last. I wouldn’t last even 6 months before I’d be so miserable that I would find myself in the same position as I am now. And to move to the entry-level sales position? Maybe I’m egotistical and need to check it at the door, but if after five years of being in sales and being somewhat successful at it I cannot get past the first entry-level that college grads and interns are at… well then it is more than a blow to my ego. It’s a blow to my self-confidence and self-worth. Again, I won’t be happy long term and find myself in this same position.
Granted, I have been told that I am a valuable member of the team and that we will try to find a solution. I need solutions, I need someone to think outside the box for me because I am struggling with that. I need help quick. Everything that has been mentioned has been in passing, I have not had the chance to “plead my case” or have someone give me any other options. It is sad. I get so angry at myself for getting so emotional about it, but it is not just a job. It is my livelihood. I devote more than the standard 40 hours a week to this. I believe in this company, I love what I do. And now I’m a misfit, because my family comes first.
I don’t mean to say that women in the workplace aren’t good Moms (heck, I’m one of them). Nor do I mean that if your job requires travel that you aren’t a good Mom. But I have seen the effects on both moms and kids after seven years of it, and after nine years of it. Same result. Kids telling Moms they don’t care if there are any more trips to Disney World, just as long as they don’t pack their suitcase. Moms crying in airports and hotel rooms. Me? I can’t last seven years. Mentally, physically, emotionally I can’t handle it. This is coming from someone who was jumping on planes 3-5 times/month up until my 29th week of pregnancy. But my world shifted the moment I had Prayse and I know that I am not cut out to be a road warrior. I’m not talking for anyone else here, just me.
I feel like Forrest Gump in one of the first scenes in the movie when all he was trying to do was to find a place he could sit. Find a place that was just for him, just for that moment, just for that ride. Everyone keeps telling me “Can’t sit here.”
Raymonn came clean tonight. He fessed up. Saturday night while I was gone in Vegas he told me the truth… he had a babysitter come watch Prayse.
Why was my first reaction panic? Literally, my heart started to immediately race and I had to calm myself down. Why was that? The girl he had come watch her is really nice. I’ve been around her a few different times and I know she loves Prayse. P gets along with anyone and everyone so I’m sure she had fun.
I think it was the fact that a some-what stranger was in my house, watching my daughter, and I didn’t know about it. Kind of makes me mad, again a reaction I had to talk myself out of. It obviously turned out well. Raymonn “says” he’s going to take me on a date in a few weeks. It’s been since October so I’ll believe it when I see it.
I wonder if my reaction has to do with the fact that for the first time I was gone gone. Not just one night, but three nights away from P and it sucked being away but I knew she was with her Daddy so I felt okay about it. Now to know that for awhile she wasn’t, she was with someone she doesn’t know. For that instant it sucked the air out of me and I’m kind of still dealing with it.
Strange isn’t it?
I also think my feelings have to do with the fact that I have to go away again. Next week I have to be in Arkansas for work. For the whole week. It makes me want to cry, honestly. I have this feeling in my chest when I think about it and I just want to be with P, to squeeze her tight. I just got back and now I have to go again. I can’t talk with anyone at work about it, they are on the road all the time missing their families. They give up time with their kids so that I can go home to mine every night. They sacrifice their family time for mine. And here I am upset that I have to be gone for a week.
I can’t help it though, I can’t help this tightness, the sadness, even though I know that my job pays the bills, it is the reason we have a 401K, life insurance, disability insurance, IRAs, savings… Our jobs are the reason we have a house, electricity, air conditioning, cars, food… and here I am complaining. What a lousy person I am.
Still though, I am a Mom first and last. And I have a right to miss my baby and complain about missing out on every moment. It’s my prerogative.
Then…
Now…
Then…
Now…
Then…
Enough said.
I’m still here! We’re just recuperating from a house full of company (eight of us… two bedroom town home… thank goodness we have 3 bathrooms). I have so many cute pictures from Prayse’s party and so many thoughts running through my mind. She seems more mature just one day after turning one. She also seems to be learning really well how to stand in the brink of a temper tantrum! Girlfriend has a definite opinion that she is not afraid to share! I’ll try and post pictures and thoughts tonight. Being gone from work for a day only to return for two and then off to VEGAS BABY!! I am hoping to have a real vacation. A true blue vaca where I don’t answer my phone if it says “Unknown” and I don’t check my email. We’ll see if it works out…How’s this for beautiful? Miss P is chillin in her new chair.
July 13, 2007… we got the party started.
Earlier this evening I started to feel some back pain but just wrote it off, what full-term pregnant lady doesn’t have back pain? I did notice that was something different but I’m not about to get my hopes up… not with this baby’s history of giving me hope and then snatching it away at the last minute! I kept trying to relax with a heat pack on my back and thought I was starting to feel some slight contractions. Again, nothing special about this. My night took a different turn at 12:06 a.m. I was up and out of bed, no way could I lay still through whatever was happening! The contractions started at about 13 minutes apart and we’re slowly but surely closing that delta. NOTE: We’ve been down this path before, this chica usually changes her mind mid-way through the party. Keep in mind this could all be for nothing and I’ll have another post tomorrow that says “False Alarm… Again” Another fun tidbit of my night: All I wanted this evening was to take a hot shower. Not only for pain management but also just to feel better because who doesn’t feel like a new person after showering? And so the journey officially begins: 1:30 a.m.- No hot water. Raymonn couldn’t get the pilot light lit, and so the Aquila 24 hour Customer Service/Emergency hotline heard from the Adams household! After listening to the operator tell him three times that we would be charged for a service call if it wasn’t their fault he finally able to get it through their heads that WE DON’T CARE and they send a service guy. 2:45 a.m. Aquila service guy realizes that the gas company had shut off both our gas as well as the empty house next door. Go figure. Leave it for tonight for that to happen! But at least the gas is back on and we’ll have hot water soon! 3:30 a.m. Hot water at last! Who knew what a blessing that would be? Who would also think it’s important to shave their legs at 3:30 a.m. while having contractions?? I’m just sayin… 4:oo a.m. Yes honey it IS important for me to do this load laundry RIGHT NOW! Go back to sleep 4:35 a.m. I am loving the “Contraction Master” (www.contractionmaster.com). All I have to do is click the space button when a contraction starts and when it stops. It’s recording start time, stop time, duration, and frequency. We’re between 5-7 (sometimes 4:52 a.m. That contraction lasted 2 min 34 seconds… ouchie! I hate that the only thing on TV right now is infomercials. Seeing perfectly sculpted abs, thighs, and butts are not good for the ego at a time like this. Actually, are they EVER good for the ego? 5:33 a.m. We’ve had a half hour of consistent contractions averaging about 4 min apart, 1 min duration… I’m nervous that now we’re starting to slow down. Baby girl I swear for Lord if you are playing another mind game w/ Mama you are grounded! 6:19 a.m. It’s now been six hours, the contractions are anywhere from 2 min to 6 min apart. I’m making Raymonn get up so we can go on a walk, if they stay consistent we’ll call L&D. If not then I’m going to bed and this game sucks. More later… hopefully. I’m so jealous of my husband being able to sleep right now, I’m sure Prayse will get him back later… karma demands it really.
minutes with contractions lasting approx 1 min 19 seconds. This thing is Raymonn’s God-send whether he realizes it or not, it’s the reason he gets to sleep right now! Why is it that I can only think about whether I’ll have time to blow dry my hair or not?
Life has been so busy between work and trying to make a few updates to the house I’ve been taking pictures but not posting them. So while Miss P is sleeping and my in-laws are having breakfast I thought I’d catch you all up! Enjoy!
Me and my “girls” for our big SATC night!
Aren’t we big time??
Mama and Miss P… we really need more of these!
Prayse @ 11 Months. WHAT??? And to think that on Monday she’ll be a year old…
Big girl! No more bottle for me!
“What’s going on Mama?” - I have a bit of a nosey baby!
And here’s my little Sparkler on the 4th of July!
Hanging out with Aunt Chelsea in outfit #2 on the 4th!
What do you mean I can’t have that Pina Colada??
Go! Go! Go!! Mama, let’s go!
“Look Mama! My first birthday card! From my friend Doogal!”
All right friends, more to come lata! We’ll be busy getting everything ready for the big bash! I still can’t believe my baby is turning one. ONE. Amazing.
