A New Era

I sit here in a silent house save K-Love playing on the radio, one baby asleep, the other being Daddy’s accomplice in a special surprise just for me. The day of my 31st birthday a cup of coffee and a birthday cupcake in hand, and I feel loved.

I’m also reflective. Tomorrow begins the start of something new. Not just this whole concept of now being “in my 30′s” and not just “30″ which in and of itself seems a bit bizarre. Somehow being 30 felt cooler, but maybe that’s just me

No, tomorrow begins something very new. A new chapter, a new journey, a walk that I am so excited about and at the same time nervous for. For me it started almost one year ago today and started to culminate this past November…

“Is it even possible?” I wondered, pulling myself away from my momentary daydream to focus on the current task at hand, “I just don’t see it.” And I kept working, kept giving my clients and my employer the same 110% as I always did, just taking one small minute to dream and to wonder – is it possible?

It’s a real scene that was played out countless times the eleven months previous. It was replayed again as I was in Milwaukee driving in heavy traffic, getting back to the airport missing my kiddos, chest beyond hurting as I had given up nursing - for a number of reasons, one of which knowing I had two more weeks of travel that month alone and it would only increase. And so I asked myself the same questions I’d been asking since January 2011.

“Is it possible to increase my income and not be on the road away from my family?”

“Is it possible to do what I love and not be away from my babies?”

“Can I still be a leader in an organization, inspiring other women, and not sacrifice the four-year-old someday woman I have at home?”

“Can I have it all? Is it possible?”

“Is it even possible?”

It’s funny how when you start to dream a bit, even if the edges are fuzzy and you don’t have any clarity or detail, but just a general concept and you start vocalizing it, the push back you will receive. From my boss? No way. From my friends and family? Nope. From me. Countless times I’d ask these questions, I’d pray for an answer and in the very next breath I’d think, “How selfish are you? To think you can have what others want but don’t have. Look around you!! Do you see ANYONE with this? No. Quit being stupid.”

Sound familiar? Although now, I believe it was an enemy – one who loves to allow us to kill our dreams, he puts the thoughts in our heads and we abandon what we desire.

He had a point however. Everywhere I looked I saw successful people, wonderful, kind, genuine, successful people. And everywhere I looked I saw different paths that I could take and find that same success. Oh the opportunities were there, no doubt about it. But for me, I couldn’t take that step. I couldn’t take the step to head toward a goal of the ultimate definition of success.

You see for me, without my family, I am weak. I am tense, I am not 100% focused and there. Away from my family traveling every week or even every other week, I could have increased my income exponentially – and at the end of the day come home to kiddos who grew up again over night and a hubby who is wonderful, amazing, awesome, and frustrated that he cannot work the way he wants toward his goals and dreams because being a single Dad while Mom is traveling is hard and he’s wondering just when he signed up for this. Without my source of strength and laughter I am not as good as I could be. I recognized that. And so this ceiling I talk about sometimes? It was there and I was pressing up against it. It was a self-imposed ceiling in this instance however, self-imposed for the good of all – myself, my family and even my employer. What a tension though, to  desire more, to want to do more, pursue bigger goals and dang it, conquer them. But not seeing a  way to do so without the sacrifices I was not willing to make.

And so I asked the questions, knowing there would be an answer at some point, and continued to do my job and do it well. For eleven months. It was strange because I was not frustrated in the process. Knowing I was asking and praying gave me a peace. It allowed me to know I was at least asking and trusting and gave me a peace about what I was currently doing as well. I had no idea when or how the answers would come.

Turns out, they came in a phone call in rush hour traffic in Milwaukee, when I least expected it.

It’s risky, no doubt about it. A start up company. Even with a solid platform and product and an even more solid leadership team. It’s still risky. It was doubly risky for us, as a family we’d be taking a hit financially. A big one. But the opportunities. Oh the opportunities. To work with a team, strategizing about how to take a product to market. Making mistakes and learning and finding success. Working with a strong woman who I have admired for six years. The vision set before me of having a succession plan, being a part of a succession plan – critical to someone so goal oriented. Not that I couldn’t deal with ambiguity and trust it’d be there, I could. I have. But to have something laid out in front of me and knowing I’ll have to work really hard and learn a lot but see the path lined with people, hands raised to help me accomplish that goal? That is priceless.

To have a team who says, “I’ve put my family behind my dreams and goals, I’ve hugged them good-bye too many times while I’ve gotten on a plane. I won’t do it again. I can do this better and smarter and WILL. I expect the same from you.” Can it be? Can it really be? One of the hardest decisions in my life, one that brought many sleepless nights. Hours of conversation with Raymonn, even more hours of self-reflection at my computer, in prayer, in the Word.

At the end of the day it came down to one thing, one burning question that no matter how I looked at it I wanted to know the answer – “Is this the answer to the prayer I’ve been praying the past eleven months? Is this God saying ‘yes.’?” Well, I had to find out. If the chances to attain all of my dreams – professional and personal were there and say the chances were 1 in 100, I’m going for it. Swinging for the fences, as one good friend put it.

I walked away from every security I had built the past six years, away from amazing clients and friends. It was hard. But I am excited. I begin a new chapter, a new year literally and feel a huge sense of peace that this is the beginning of yet another new journey, a time to grow and learn. And I figure, if you’re going to dream big dreams, ask for big things, you’d better be willing to take the big leap when the opportunity presents itself.

So here we go, a new era. Bring it on.