I’m Not A Front Row Pew Kinda Gal

I went to a marriage conference at my church this weekend. I didn’t really want to go if we’re honest about this. The weekend is for family and since R was out of town it meant the weekend was for me and my babies. But long story short, it all worked out against my will so I figured there were some lessons I needed to learn. Little did I know the lessons started before the conference.

I’m not good in social settings really. Even ones where I know people. It’s just not my forte, I  know we’ve discussed this before. So walking in I felt a bit uneasy, I mean here I was a single married chick at a marriage conference alone (how many double negatives or whatever are in this sentence I don’t know, but you get what I mean). Walking into the sanctuary I got a big hug from our lead pastor who when hearing R wasn’t there graciously said, “Sit with me and Wendy!” I’m not sure how I looked but internally I’m positive my eyes got wide as I thought, “But you two sit in the front row.” What came out was a smile and a “Great!” What was I to do? Tell my pastor that I was not going to sit with his awesome wife who I really love and adore and look up to because I’m insecure? No.

I put on my brave face and sat down. Behind me I knew a few folks, a few I didn’t so I got introduced and off we went. We sang a few songs and while I was kinda sorta focusing on the music what became very apparent to me that this front row stuff was, well, it’s a vulnerable thing. Strange experience really. Because, no – I am sure that not a single person really was focusing on the fact that I was in the front row. But being there with nothing between you and the stage, it was surreal. It’s not like you have a front row seat to the kingdom of heaven, but also I never realized the buffer I had between myself and well, everything – sitting back where I usually do. See, back there, you can kinda hide. You can blend in.

Up here? Not really. You have to be confident in your faith and the expression of your faith to the point where you can completely open up. Yikes! Completely open up you say? Heh. That’s funny. See, buffers are my thing. I didn’t realize just how much of my thing they were.

After some praise and worship it’s the usual, “Find 3 people you haven’t met yet” line. I sighed in relief, I had already done that. Score! I’m off the hook. I looked at W and with excitement she said, “I’m going to find someone new!” She was excited, I was relieved b/c technically speaking I felt like I didn’t have to do that anymore. What in the world?

As everyone was getting settled in to watch the first series I sat down with relief and looked over when I heard my name. I realized then that I had instinctively sat down about 3 seats to the left. Buffer. “Move over here Tiff!” So I move over one more. “No  no no. Come on! Sit by me.” I scooched over. “Come here.”

That night I couldn’t get my mind off of that. Why do I instinctively have a buffer and why it is up with people that I love? Strangers? Okay, maybe. I can see that. But goodness, with the people who probably know my hearts desire even more than I do?

Next day. Saturday morning. I walk in and see the place empty. What’d I do? Retreat to what was comfortable, about 4 rows back. I almost chuckled but so help me, I could not make myself walk up to that front row. So I settled in. And after a few songs I sit down and hear someone, “Move over! Come over here. Sit by us!” Buffer.

Same story, second verse. I was amazed at myself. Is this my habit? I wondered, is this my defense mechanism? What am I defending myself from? I need become just a bit more vulnerable, open, and close the gap. I have no clue how, but I need to work up the courage to try.

No, I’m not a front row pew kinda gal. But I think it’s time I start figuring out how to become one.