What Women Want

What do women want? A question asked by millions of men. I think probably millions of women too. I know I’ve asked myself that question before. This weekend we got away as a family to go somewhere new and different, do something new and different. After an amazing afternoon/evening with a great friend I was thinking about our conversation and it hit me.

Women want intimacy.

Hold on fellas, push the pause button on the standing ovation. Although physical intimacy is a part and important, dare I say that it is one of the outputs of true intimacy with our partners? Dare I also say that intimacy neither starts nor stops with our partners? That is can and indeed must expand to the world beyond our marriages?

I think about myself, and although I never labeled it this way or phrased it this way before, I do crave intimacy. I crave those people in my life who know my spirit inside and out, but who also want to continue getting to know and learn new things. Who spend time with me. Who encourage me. Who we can both pick up the phone and call at 3:30 in the morning crying over one thing or another. Although this may not be executed on very often, the door is always open.

I’m lucky to have a few individuals in my life like this. And although you cannot emotionally handle 1,000 intimate connections at this level, I know that I often crave more. It’s how I communicate best, how I learn best, how I love best.

I’m pissed at myself though. Because as forlorn as I have been at times, wondering why someone won’t schedule the dinner we’ve been talking about (realizing now they  must be taking a page out of the Jon Acuff book – or rather all of our book, he just admitted it first), or thinking to myself, “I must just not fit into their life.” “I’m not that important.” Oh woe is me type of stuff – while I’ve been throwing myself a little pity party, there ARE those in my life who need something I also am longing for. Why have I given up on them?

An email isn’t returned, a voicemail goes unanswered – and so I bristle up my spikes and as a defense mechanism, I write them off. Shame on me.

Why, when the one thing we long for isn’t easy to attain, we write it off? We write people off? It eventually takes two to tango, this I realize. But my friend has needed me. She has needed me for years and like me, needs intimacy. It’s like water for our souls. We must be there for each other ladies! We must try to get past the hurt (real or perceived) and keep trying. I had quit. I got annoyed at being ignored, or what I had interpreted as being ignored and gave up. Meanwhile, she has been hurting, longing for the same as I have been, and desperately needing it.

My own ego bruises extremely easily. To shelter that, to defend my own easily hurt feelings, I’ve developed a bad habit of giving up on people. I can’t continue to do this. Ladies, we can’t continue to do this. As much as we need our husbands, boyfriends, partners, etc. we also need each other. And do you know what I learned? My friend rocks at texting. A text message I can get returned that day, sometimes within the hour. A voicemail? Not the same. Life gets busy. But the text is there, reminding her I care, and she responds. What if I had just stopped getting hurt by an ignored voicemail and tried a different avenue of communication? What could we have developed the past few years, instead of relying on our past and those ties that keep us strong, we could have been building new memories and trust at a time it was desperately needed. Those “best friend forever” necklaces that you could split up and give when we were little girls need to be brought back in style – we must not be afraid to give the other half of the heart necklace, even as big girls.

No more giving up on people. What I long for, is also needed by others in my life. While there is a balance between bugging people, I am going to stop retreating because my feelings get hurt too easily. We long for intimacy, as women we (I) must step up to the plate and put ourselves on the line first in order to develop this vital ingredient in our lives. Because let’s be honest, there are those days that this is what keeps us moving. It’s that important.