The Stay-At-Home-Mom Experiment

Otherwise known as maternity leave… but whatever, what’s in a name right? I’ve always wanted to be a SAHM and never had the opportunity so humor me. As Prayse is getting ready to start her new school (preschool/daycare, not kindergarten – let’s not rush things, k?) I am reminded that I have only a few weeks left before returning to work. As I try to contain my emotions and not get teary eyed over the thought of sending my baby to school (again), I began reflecting on this summer, the summer with me and my two kiddos, out-manned, and out-numbered – but what a summer! My reflections in no particular order:

• Ummm, I like it. A lot. It’s probably a good thing that with our finances there’s no other option for me but to return to work, and it’s probably an even better thing that I like my job. B/c I really enjoyed being home. My family? They’re pretty much the awesomest bunch around.
• Even though I’m with my kids all day, every day, I have found that when they wake up in the morning I’ve missed them while we all sleep at night. I like that about myself.
• The little one is more than just a super cute accessory. I have had moments of realization while I’m trying to “encourage” Prayse to do something, or while I’m chasing her around, at an activity for her – Xavier is not just a fashion accessory chilling out in my arms, but my son and deserves some attention too. This does however get easier when he would get more vocal. But still. The little guy? Not an accessory (though, if he were he’d be the cutest evah).
• Prayse needs Mama:Prayse and Daddy:Prayse time. She thrives off of the attention and deserves it b/c she’s an AMAZING big sister and patient and helpful. But she’s still a kid.
• There’s still not enough of me to go around.
• My desire for a clean house, clean clothes, and fancy dinners outweighs both the time I have and skill to accomplish any of these three. I made it approximately half-way through this experiment before I called the cleaning ladies again and asked them to reinstate their relationship with my bathrooms.
• I would be a horrible horrible homeschooling Mom. Really, it takes an organizational skill (and desire) that I do not have. And plus, if I were home? I’d rather be playing. Even this summer I’d ask P if she wanted to practice her numbers or something and she’d always say, “No, I’d rather play.” Ok! And off  we’d go.
• Mama guilt. I’ve realized it’s the name of the game no matter your circumstances. You feel it when you work b/c you’re not with your babies. You feel it over the big one b/c you have to spend a lot of time with the little one as they are 100 dependent on everyone else. You feel it over the amount of television the big one watches while taking care of the said newborn. And then you even feel it because it’s not the little one’s fault they’re so new and figuring this out. It unfortunately is something I just don’t think we can get away from, so I’ve started to show myself some more grace in this area. God is good, our family will turn out okay. We will find ways to make sure our kids know the value of hard work and just how much we love them.If you allow yourself to actually feel the guilt and focus on it, you’ll have no other energy to do anything else! So it’s best to just accept it as reality and keep moving through the day, you know you’ll get smiles and hugs before bed anyway.
• My daughter? There’s another, more in depth post coming on this but can I just say that this time with her this summer has allowed me to see pieces of her I’ve been missing. It has allowed me to see her spirit more and I love what I see. I love who I see her becoming.
• My son? I know he’s young, but I really do think I’m starting to  get to know him. We’re starting to figure this out together. I love how vocal he is (maybe not particularly at the 4:30 am moments…), but he is animated, he is focused and alert. I love it. With Prayse as she would grow I’d be so sad, thinking, “Just stay the way you are!! I love this stage!” But I have learned that it just keeps getting better and better. So I enjoy every moment but can’t wait for what is to come.

This “experiment”/time has been the best thing for me. It has allowed me to refocus on some things I had lost. It has allowed me to see my husband in new ways as everyday I see the work and effort he puts in for this family. It has allowed me time with my children that I desperately needed. It allowed me a break from work which I desperately needed at the time. It has allowed me to refocus and learn about my faith. It has allowed me to make connections and friends that would not have been made or at the very least develop into the relationships that they have. Relationships that again, were missing in my life and desperately needed.

So, even while this was just a short term gig and even though the United States lags behind every other developed country in terms of what we call a maternity leave, I’ll still take what I can get and be grateful for the time I have been able to spend with my children, with my husband, and let’s face it – with myself. My priorities are in align and the goal is to keep them there. As our lives will change here in the next few weeks as I go back to work and we once again adjust to another new reality, I know how blessed I am. Life is pretty good.