Grace and Forgiveness

“God’s word is alive and working and is sharper than a double-edged sword. It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined, to the center of our joints and bones. And it judges the thoughts and feelings in our hearts. Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before him, and to him we must explain the way we have lived.” – Hebrews 5: 12-13

I’ve always been aware of this passage. For me, it caused just a bit of fear. My thoughts and feelings often strayed from what I knew was right. The frustrations, the doubts, the insecurities, the anger, etc. of everyday normal life could not be reigned in. There was a lingering fear of what this accountability will be like. And not even just the final accountability, it has kind of filtered it’s way into almost every aspect of how I view our God. How I view myself and my unworthiness. I could never really, truly be good enough. Because of this, I have kept myself at a distance from our Savior. I don’t have all of the answers, but I think I’m starting to understand why I have continually kept up a buffer. On one hand I long for more, beg for more, cry out and get frustrated b/c this relationship, the one that should matter – was/is lacking. Why God do you keep me at a distance?

Huh. I’m beginning to think maybe it’s not God. Do I have a fear that really no matter what I’m just not good enough? I’ve heard that from people or preached from the pulpit and have always thought, “None of us are good enough, He loves us anyway, that’s the beauty of it!” Am I victim to my own secure insecurity? Have I always thought, “Nope, that’s not me” because I read it – but have I ever really truly, gut level, been honest with myself? I’m beginning to think that maybe because I’ve grown up reading the words and never truly challenged them – that maybe I also never truly challenged myself to look deep inside my soul and figure this out.

Asking for forgiveness in my house growing up was never a well, forgiving experience. Not that my childhood was bad, I was never hurt, I grew up in an incredibly loving household. I’d never change a thing, I have fantastic parents. But after a fight, after the heat of the moment was over, coming back and saying “I’m sorry” or “Forgive me” was just as intense, it started the chastising over again most times and I’d walk away feeling very defeated, very hurt. I learned to stop asking for forgiveness and just let time heal the anger of the moment. Have I ever truly understood this concept of forgiveness and grace? I don’t think I have. I don’t think I’ve ever really internalized what it truly means.

This morning I kept reading. I didn’t stop at that passage because that’s where the version of this Bible stopped and started another bold sentence. I just kept reading…

“Since we have a great high priest, Jesus the Son of God, who has gone into heaven, let us hold on to the faith we have. For our high priest is able to understand our weaknesses. When he lived on earth, he was tempted in every way that we are, but he did not sin. Let us, then, feel very sure that we can come before God’s thrown where there is grace. There we can receive mercy and grace to help us when we need it.” ~ Hebrews 5: 14 – 16

Hope. Really, it’s what it’s saying. There is hope. First, Jesus understands our weaknesses. He’s been there, done that, walked a mile in our shoes – kind of understanding. I’ve always known that, I’ve always heard that he’ll intercede for us. Why this is hitting me so hard this morning I can’t even tell you. All I know is that I’m filled with a sense of hope. B/c we can “feel very secure” when we come before the throne. This is not a daunting experience, one to be feared by those who love him. For us, it will be the ultimate show of Jesus’ love for us, at the throne I don’t have to be waiting in fear but in anticipation – because “there we can receive grace and mercy to help us when we need it.”

A huge weight has been lifted.