My Sweet Babies,

Dear Prayse, Dear Lil Man,

Man, being a kid is tough. You don’t even realize it, but being a parent is tough to. There is so much negativity, hurt, unexplained… just THINGS that I look around me sometimes and shrug my shoulders in disbelief at our world. There’s a lot I want to tell you. So much I want you to know, we’ll have to work at it little by little. But this one is important so I must tell you.

I haven’t written much about my friend, haven’t posted anything on Facebook – I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what she is going through. So I just pray.

But loves you must know, even now being so young and even in utero, High. School. Sucks. It does. It just plain sucks. And, it sucks for everybody, no matter the fronts or the attitudes they put up to protect that fact. There are shining moments for sure, I have quite a few of those. I have friends who I still love and care for and we survived HS together. But that’s just what it is, that’s just what the end goal is – Survival. You just have to get through it, take the experiences that you can, and know that life keeps getting better and better.

See my friend’s son was at such a crossroads – frustrated we all knew, the level of hopelessness… well, nobody knew. The class clown, the guy who, yeah got in trouble but always wanted to make everyone laugh. Just “kid stuff” I’d always think. Something tripped the trigger and he became someone he wasn’t. He’s not a “killer” as described on the news – I cringed when I heard that description. But the thing is, he killed. He did. I can’t wrap my mind around that though b/c that’s not the kid we “knew” through his Mom, his fantastic, fabulous Mom. And he killed again, this time himself. A moment of desperation? Hopelessness? Feeling like it would never end? Like the final prank that I personally while not cool, found a bit funny, in a HS Senior guy prank kind of way – with a 19 day suspension as the outcome. One he, I guess could not accept.

Babies, I’ll say it one more time. High school is about survival. That’s it, that’s the magic secret of it all. I promise you that I will always hold your hand (or not, whatever) but we can get through anything together. If it can happen with Robert I just have to wonder, can it happen with anyone? Can anyone hold those feelings inside to a point where they reach critical mass and nobody can do anything about it?  Can it happen to you? The feeling of panic just asking that question is something that has to be battled back down.

There were some people I went to HS with that were complete, total, utter jerks. I saw how they treated others. Even me they maybe at some points just tolerated, other times ignored, other times made comments as I walked down the hall. Who knows what was said behind my back? At this point, who cares? I went back with your Daddy to my 10 year reunion and I watched them – same attitudes, same walls, and yet I could see they’re just walls. Some drank too much and started spilling the beans, an unhappy story – where being the “king” (in their eyes anyway) in HS was the limelight for them. They didn’t know how to build off of that one tiny piece of life and make it something much more grand, much more rich. I was blessed to have your Grandparents and your Grandma and Grandad-Great to show me what a fabulous life we can have post High School. I knew I just had to hang on. There were some tough moments, some moments of almost knock down, drag out fights with your Grandparents and me. I’m sure we’ll have some of those too.

Ack. If I could I’d hug Robert and tell him the same thing, “Just survive buddy. It gets better after this.” But I can’t, so I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you a million times more.

I love you. I pray for you every day. I pray for me too – to be the Mama you need me to be. Just remember, we must work together to keep an eternal perspective on the daily frustrations this life brings, and every stage of it. But together, we can get through anything.

Love you,
Mama