You’d Be Proud of Me I Think

Grandad,

There is so much that I always have running through my mind – this transition into a life without you a phone call away is almost surreal. I told Grandma just the other night that as much as we joked about you and your cell phone, she’s going to have to get better at talking on the phone and have her cell phone with her – because I miss my phone buddy. So many times I am driving somewhere, or something happens and I pick up the phone to call you. It only takes a split second to realize you’re not going to answer, I don’t even dial the number before I realize it – but man, do I miss you.

So much to say. I’ve been thinking a lot about you not just because you’re you and because I miss more than anything hearing you say, “Hey Babe.” or the brilliant smile, the twinkling blue eyes. I was thinking the other day about how when Prayse or the other great-grandchildren were around, or when someone was telling a really funny story – often I’d watch you instead of them. I can picture your face as you know or wait for the punchline, as you watch your great-grandchildren – and I see you smile. That’s a wonderful smile. Those things I think about everyday. This weekend we’re in Arkansas and it’s  Easter. Kind of strange because last year as all of the past few years when we’re together I would think to myself, “Make the best of it Tiff, we never know if it will be the last.” Then it was. But my tears this weekend in church were not for that reason – it was so awesome to know that we were celebrating together. Easter was an incredible celebration here on earth, I can’t imagine the party y’all threw in heaven. To know that you were having the best time singing, dancing, celebrating – and that I was too. It was kind of cool. It made me cry – not in a bad way, but in a “we can celebrate together and I love that” way.

Your great-granddaughter I tell you. She is loving being here – you would have loved to see her standing off the back of this trailer that was sitting in her Big Momma’s yard. She had this long rope (not too thick) that she kept throwing off of the back and I’d see her tug and pull like she was putting all her effort into pulling that rope in. I walked over and asked what she was doing, “I’m fishing!” she said with the biggest grin, her cheeks so dirty.  She doesn’t want to spend a second inside, unless we’re going swimming. Last night at dinner she looked at me with her eyes so wide and a fake pout on those precious lips and said, “I want to play with my cousins.”

Yesterday when I was getting ready for church I heard on BET a minister speaking who had lost his parents in one year. He spoke about his struggles, and I am not sure if he was speaking about a dream, or a vision, or just his personal thoughts on the subject – but he said that he believes that when someone dies and if they go to heaven, their ministry does not stop because they’re gone. That they keep being an intercessor in prayer for their loved ones, but this time they’re at the right hand of God. I don’t know if it’s true or not- but if it is, that’s pretty cool. It filled me with such a sense of peace – and I’m not even sure why.

Life has been incredibly busy – it’s strange some days I stop to think that I hate how the world keeps moving and that you are missing it. But if the above it true, maybe you’re not missing it at all.

I’ve been traveling more for work – I know you’d hate that fact. I hate it too. I waver back and forth between being frustrated by that reality, and knowing what it is providing for my family, and doing a delicate “balance” of a Mom, a working Mom, and showing my daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, be anything she wants to be.

Guess what else? Raymonn and I? WE’RE DEBT FREE!! It took us just under 15 months of really hard work, but we did it! The only thing we owe anyone on is our house which we’re going to tackle next. We’ve been meeting with financial advisors and I think we’ve found one who we trust, we believe in, and we feel good about. Don’t worry – we’re still “contributing” to Social Security But we are so excited about this next step in our lives. Someday we’ll own that house too – probably right before we sell it But oh well. In doing our taxes we saw how much more we gave last year as well – it was almost embarrassing the difference between 2008 and 2009 – but you’d be proud I think.  My relationship with our Savior – it’s still a work in progress. My biggest failure is my own perfection – my goodness I beat myself up over that and the enemy uses it.  But life overall is going so well – I think, I hope you’re proud of me. Even in earthly death it’s amazing how that running thought doesn’t cease in my mind.

This is getting long I know. I was told by someone who’s far more important than me in our company so I was forced to listen – that we only have a reservoir of tears so big, we all have an allotment – and that I should use them all as fast as I can. He said that I needed to have a conversation with three people before I spoke with him next. I struggle with that part. I really do. It’s hard. And it’s not like I’m ignoring you, I just struggle with it – the timing always seems wrong, the environment seems wrong, if we get interrupted I feel cheated, I feel like I’m imposing – I don’t like to cry on people. I don’t want to increase the perception that I’m a negative person.  I have my excuses, that’s for sure. I just don’t want you to think that I don’t think about you, still love you, or miss  you – and because this conversation with with you and not about you – and public…  I think it should count as three. Don’t you?

I love you.

Tiff