Pulse Check: How Do You Keep Your Marriage Alive and Kicking?

In the beginning God created man and woman, he created them to be for each other- he looked and saw that it was good (well, most days anyway – ha!) See the next part of Adam and Eve’s story is focused more on the fact that they screwed up, got kicked out of paradise – they had babies, but one of their first two killed each other – ay, they had enough drama to write about. But I WISH it talked about their actual marriage and how they worked through all of this new stuff together, with the new kids on the block.
R has mentioned with increasing frequency that our marriage is no longer the same – he is right. Some of it we’ve grown, evolved, changed – we are no longer in some of the same classes, living apart yet still on the same small campus, training together every day. We’re in two separate worlds during the day and coming together as man and wife in the evenings. With two demanding jobs, a lovey little girl, and a house and finances and just plain lives to take care of.
So here is my question – and I am seriously asking, so even if you are a lurker and have an opinion, please share it with me – when the demands of life change and take more time and energy, and when there is a helpless little being that comes into your life, what are some of the things you do and ways you keep your marriage alive and healthy?
I will admit that I am guilty. I am. I’ll stand up and raise my hand. As I come home and immediately am blasted by the demands of this piece of my life – you can only do a quick war zone strategy and put together your plan: Dinner needs made – the toddler is starting to melt down- dishes from last night’s dinner are still in the sink and everywhere – should probably get those handled so there is room on the counter for tonight’s dinner dishes (maybe that’s just our house?). The toddler wants to share about her day – she needs help with this, help with that – I haven’t seen R or shown him affection, he wants to share about his day and I want to hear about it – he wants to know about my day, and for the life of me at this point in the evening I am having a hard time remembering the specifics and if I do – are they that interesting?
Raymonn often gets the time shaft. I am not saying it is right, in fact the more I recognize it, the more I hate it. What do you do? When you assess the situation and you have one who is grown and independent and one who is not grown and dependent – how do you balance the emotional, physical, and relational needs of them both? How do you win at this game? Remember – you have to throw your own emotional, physical, and relational needs in there at some point.
I’m not complaining – I love my life. I wouldn’t choose another family, another situation, another husband – I have the best daughter there is… (you do too). But even last night as R and I were talking about time management – we were approached with an “opportunity” – an idea which would require more time. So, do we have it? Could we find it I mentioned that this time would not come from those few hours in the evening when we get home from work/school and P is awake. Those are the hours I want to spend with P and R. Raymonn commented something to the effect of, “No. You don’t pay attention to me.” Or that that is Prayse’s time with me – not his. These have been building up with increasing frequency.
There are times when R is talking, Prayse needs something or is also asking for something and I am listening to him while trying to help her – and it’s doesn’t seem to be enough. I know I need to 100% focus on him and I am getting better, especially while in the car and I know the child is belted in and not getting into anything or attempting to “do it myself!” (resulting in climbing on something high, teetering on the edge of whatever ledge it is to get what she wants).
I want to be a better wife, friend, lover (yeah – I said it). How do you balance it and still keep your marriage what it was? I saw some research in school about satisfaction in marriage, it was a perfect inverse bell curve – which perfectly coincided with kids and the time they are born – through the time that they leave. So I know research has proven that kids, while we love them dearly – are the reason that satisfaction in marriage takes a dip. I’m not okay accepting status quo however – because I want more kids and I want an awesome marriage. I am open to ideas – we’re heading to a marriage seminar in March, I’m excited to see what I learn about myself and about being a better best friend to the one I said “I do” to.
So – thoughts? Advice? What’s your story? I’m all ears, willing and ready to make changes.