Hmmmm…. what to write? Oh what to write?

It seems whenever I start to get really busy with work – all creativity or even non-work thoughts just escape me. Maybe work sucks all of the creativity out of me?? Although you have to have a certain amount of creativity – but not the same type. I have to be able to think outside the box, to think about strategies and other ways to get business outcomes,etc… Not the same however as blogging – and blogging more than a “this was my schedule today” sort of a post which let’s be honest – nobody cares about my life that much

I can’t remember the last time I was able to sit down and write something witty, funny, creative. No short stories, no outlines for children’s books – nothing like that. Just gone. Maybe someday it’ll come back? I was chatting w/ a friend about this who currently is working in Africa. I used to LOVE to read his stories – he was G.O.O.D. I asked him why I haven’t seen anything from him in a couple of years – when he started working in NYC for Wall Street it all got sucked out of him too… If you know the secret to this – Please tell.

It’s even hard for me to write about the everyday stuff sometimes – but here we go. We’ll give it a shot.

So lots of changes in our household. I may or may not have mentioned I took on a new role at work – one that while exciting definitely has some challenges associated with it. Uncertainty for one – which I always feel, I always have this sense of panic – not true, can’t move panic – but that whole “oh my gosh – how am I going to do this? How am I going to not fail?” and then I always do well. Who knows? Maybe that is what drives me? Maybe that’s what I need as a good ol kick in the pants? It requires travel – more than I realized which while I love my clients – I truly do, it sucks. I hate being away from my family. Travel would be fine if R and P could come with me.  But when I leave and come back it’s not just the few days I’m gone that is affected – it also takes a few days when I’m back to get re-adjusted. Back to a regular schedule, back to work where I’m not “as” overwhelmed – and back to a point where P is comfortable when I leave the room, and where R and I get reconnected. And then it starts all over again.

I want to be successful, I want to show my daughter that there are different levels of success – and when she gets old enough to show her that a woman really can make it (although, I haven’t actually gotten there yet – because on so many levels I want to scream “GLASS CEILING!!!”). She is young right now, if I work really hard to get us where we need to be then when she’s older we can do different things – this is the argument anyway. The argument that so many others are okay with and live by – but I still struggle with it. I struggle because I also see how it affects my marriage. It’s such a tenuous line, it is. I can’t even explain it.

But we do what we need to do. That’s one thing about being a woman, and one thing about myself that I am proud of. We do what has to be done to take care of our families. Period. It’s not being dominant, it’s not trying to be the leader of the house – although sometimes I wonder if it comes off that way, by the reaction I see from my husband. It’s simply not. It’s ironic that it may be interpreted as such however because it’s the absolutely last thing in this world I want to be. It is stressful, it is straining, and I hate it. It’s just that whether it is the little thing such as getting out the door on time so I’m not late to appointments or meetings – or whether it is the big things such as making sure we’re on track for such as saving for a future debt-free status, owning our home, retiring as millionaires (through saving). I think I get so intense and so goal oriented and focused that it is a put-off for those around me, mainly R. I don’t ever mean to demean him, to boss him, to treat him as less than the awesome person, husband, daddy, and friend that he is. I just know that we have had a lot of changes – I am feeling some pressure (whether real or dreamed up who knows) and so I do only what I know I can do.

I have a lot to work on, that’s for sure. But if we get it right the first time, life is boring right? Right? Can I get a witness? (Validate me people! )