Peace, Rest, Comfort

There is something magical about a Christmas tree. I could just sit in front of one when it is dark and the lights are on for hours. It’s the perfect setting to think, to pray, to talk. Even at 6:00 in the morning when nobody else is up, I turn on the lights so I can just enjoy. It gives me a moment of sereneness in a world full of chaos that is always moving – and it reminds me of the reason we celebrate Christmas.

For the past few months every Monday night we have been going to what our church calls a Connect Group. It is really a small Bible Study, a small group where for this semester anyway, we dig in a bit deeper into the series our pastor had been speaking about. It has been fabulous. For me, it has given me something that I have been missing. Several things really, a night with my husband where we learn more about each other and spend time together. As well as flesh and blood ladies that share my same belief, who are Mamas, who have taken me in and made me feel so comfortable.

See, I’m no good in groups. I’m no good in settings where I don’t know people or have a relationship. I do it for a living, but personally I do not enjoy it. I do have some friends here, namely my sister, Mom and best friend T. There are a ton of people I interact with, and some Mamas online that I have gotten to know. But this has given me some ladies who I could get to know, who have a different perspective than I do with vastly different experiences – but who encourage me. It’s nice.

Last night we ended our series that was entitled “Losing Your Religion” (the podcasts are on iTunes – highly recommend it if you’re interested). It was the series of verses that I have been waiting for to see what the discussion was, and the backup verses, the points of view. It is a section I have read over and over and over and over for months now.

Matthew 6:28-34 “So I tell you, don’t worry about the food or drink you need to live, or about the clothes you need for your body. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothes. Look at the birds in the air. They don’t plant or harvest or store fod in barns, but your heavenly Father feeds them. And you know that you are worth much more than the birds. you cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it.

Andy why do you worry about your clothes? Look at how the lilies in the field grow. They don’t work or make clothes for themselves but I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers. God clothes the grass int he field, which is alive today but tomorrow is thrown into the fire. So you can be even more sure that God will clothe you. Don’t have so little faith! Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ The people who don’t know God keep trying to get these things, and you Father in heaven knows you need them. The thing you should want most is God’s kindgdom and doing what God wants. Then all these other things you need will be given to you. So don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will have its own worries. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

These were the verses I was soooo excited about. But when I got there, for some reason I had such a hard time being vulnerable. I don’t know what came over me and it’s something I thought about the entire time I was there and last night, woke up thinking about it. It wasn’t like me. We also wrote down one prayer request so that we could be thinking about and praying for one person individually. I had no clue what to write down and even had a moment’s anxiety about it. Then it came to me. Peace. I need peace. I am not a peaceful individual who stops to rest or think. I am always moving, always going, always thinking about how I need to get better at.. “fill in the blank.”

I think that’s why I was so quiet last night, because I struggle with this concept more than I know. Yes, there was a time where worry literally would control me some nights – I didn’t even tell Raymonn what was going on. I was able to recognize how unhealthy it was and begin the long process of almost coaching myself to think differently, to redirect my thoughts, to be thankful of what I have in my family instead of worry about something that may never happen.

But this I believe goes even deeper into who I am. I think about what I’ve written about and there is a running theme – I. Am. Not. Good. Enough. And even though I may not have tagged it as “worry” before- it’s clear as day that’s what I’m dealing with inside. Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about 5 different areas of my life that feel like a failure. Not total, complete, utter failure – but not where I want to be. And to a person who is so competitive (with myself) and who wants to win, wants to be successful (not defined by just a job title), who is a perfectionist, who is harder on myself than on anyone else… I can easily, without even realizing it – crush myself. Because I notice and know every area of my life where I’m not up to par – it is also easy for me to let others’ comments and their own insecurities become my own. A comment made about me, it should roll off my back and be easily dismissed because they are insecure – I should be able to recognize it and shrug it off – but for me, it’s a battle to not let it overtake and stress me out. I’m proud of myself lately for even recognizing it and working on it – but I do it to myself.

I’m getting off track – again. My point is, I need to be more conscious and forgiving of myself. I think it’s a bigger issue in my life than I gave it credit and it hit me last night, even if I couldn’t put it into words. For me, a start I believe is that when I start to go there, when I start to think about how I’m not succeeding (without even being able to put the definition of “succeed” into a true context of my life) – I need to state truth. State truth about who God is. State truth about the realities of my life.

• I have a God that loves me.
• He has said he’ll take care of me, take care of my family.
• He does not lie.
• I have a husband who loves me.
• I have a daughter who is healthy and thinks I walk on water.
• I have a job who holds an enormous amount of opportunity – and I will conquer it.

There’s definitely more – I’ll be adding to the list, but this is a start.