Unintentional Hiatus

Where to begin? Where oh where? The past five weeks of my life have been life-changing. I hope it sustains. I have learned a lot, dealt with a lot, grown a lot. What’s crazy about all of this is that with everything I’ve been processing I have had the hardest time talking about it. I have sat down at this computer to write about it countless times, and just can’t get any words down. I have started conversations with my husband only to take them in a different direction. I even haven’t been able to talk with my YYM Mamas about it. I don’t know why that is. But it is emotionally healthy for me. So you’re going to get another one of those – who knows what’s gonna come out of it posts I guess.

I truly believe the catalyst was Jon’s death. It is of course a lingering event, I see my friends still hurting, still processing, still dealing – did I mention still hurting? Me too. But for the first time in my life, I let myself mourn. I let myself grieve. It was downright embarrasing – but woah was it actually helpful. Someone very wise told me that to really mourn is necessary – and real mourning involves cries of the heart, and doesn’t just end with a good cry – our hearts will cry for a long time. It perfectly described what I was/am feeling. I’ve never really mourned – I have always just hurt and when that hurt threatens to come to the surface I will distract myself, my thoughts, my feelings. My Grandma’s death? Don’t even ask me about it because I’ll change the subject. The thought makes me want to cry, if I dwell on it too long I’ll start to break down. I never dealt with it in college. I pushed it away because of other things I thought were important at the time. I was wrong. Petrina’s death this summer rocked me to my core. She was an amazing person, an amazing Mom. But even more than that it showed me that we really are not guaranteed a full life with our children just because we’re “Mama.” It scared me. It scared me to death – literally. On nights when Raymonn wasn’t home after Prayse would be asleep – I would lay on the floor in her room and cry, thinking about the babies whose Mamas aren’t here any longer. And hurting for them – and scared for me. Now I do not live my life in fear. I never have and never will. But those moments when we are vulnerable – dang, the stuff we haven’t dealt with seems to sneak up on us, and right when we least expect it too.

But Jon – even in death has taught me so many things. There were countless people at his party that came up to his children and explained that Jon was like a second Dad to them – and these were people they’d never even heard of. I learned that week in Florida that I’m not so special – and that is a good thing. He treated everyone like they were the center of his world when he was speaking with them. They MATTERED. I’ve tried to follow in his footsteps (yes, I know its ultimately impossible) and actually given my full attention to people when they call, when they come into my office, when they stop me in the hallway, in the daycare, in the grocery story. Why? BECAUSE THEY MATTER! We all have stories, lives, and it matters when people care. When they actually CARE.

Jon would sometimes go to a restaurant for dinner and the first thing he would order is Key Lime Pie. Why you ask? Because he said that we always go into restaurants and comment how good the dessert looks, but by the time we finish dinner we’re too stuffed to order it. His motto was that you can’t always miss out on dessert, you have to make sure you don’t miss out on the really good stuff. Sometimes, dessert should come first. “And besides,” he always said, “they’ll just give you a doggie bag to take home with the rest of your dinner. You won’t be missing out on that either.”

He never meant that just for dinner – sometimes you have to break status-quo, dessert needs to come first. There have been a few days where I’ve sat at my desk around 4:00 and thought, “The rest of this can wait until tomorrow.” And I’ve went and got Prayse to have one extra hour with her. There have been days where we ordered cheeseburgers off of the Dollar Menu at McDonalds – just because it was fun and different and I have a blast doing so with her.

We can’t wait for the good stuff, we have to seize the day. Tomorrow? May not be here. Say what you need to say, and say it today. Don’t let someone leave without telling them how much they mean. And actually TELL people how appreciated they are. All things I’ve been consciously doing and hope to continue.

That’s a hard concept to internalize isn’t it? We hear it all the time, we think it, are reminded of it. But to internalize and act on it is hard. I’ve had circumstances that really I’ve been acknowledging for years – but never accepting. I didn’t even realize until the past 72 hours that there was a difference. But yes, there is. I have acknowledged that my number one hero in the entire world for ever and ever was weakening – he was sick, the doctors have told us time and again there’s not much more they can do… so you have to acknowledge it. It’s happening right in front of our face, for years. Maybe it is the years part that helped me hold off on “accepting.” I don’t know. But I’ve been forced to accept and start to deal with it. I hate it and when that day comes I know I will suck at it and be right back at square one – not wanting to accept it, being very angry – those are normal emotions I know. But I had to for the first time begin to accept and deal. That is emotionally exhausting.

I think that’s it maybe? Emotionally exhausted? See – the thing is, I don’t want you to think I’m complaining. I’m not. Do I want Jon back? Yes. 100% – would give anything. Do I want a miracle to happen and my Grandad to be healed and able to do every single thing he wants, to acknowledge and accept what a difference he makes in lives every day, to know that he adds so much value to this world and that’s why he’s still in it. Y.E.S.

But I am not complaining because my two top wishes if I found a magic lamp aren’t coming true. No. I have LEARNED so much. I have grown so much. I have learned so much more about people the past 5 weeks. I’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly. I’ve been in situations where I have been shocked, good and bad. I’ve had to re-evaluate friendships, and trust, and the core of humanity (not all relating to Jon and death – just life in general – I’m telling you, a lot has been going on).

Growing is hard. Learning is hard. Accepting is hard. This life stuff? It’s hard. But worth it I believe. Because I look around my little townhouse, I see my beautiful daughter and a husband who loves me and a family who believes in and supports me. If I had only those things, I’d still consider myself rich. I am rich – not because my bank statement says so (it doesn’t, believe me). But because my blessings tell me every day.

I was faced with a situation where trust was broken, loyalty was questioned. I have been working on and for a very large project for work. It has been almost four years in the making. It will be the biggest project in our space – in the history of our space. I have been stretched and pulled into directions I’ve never been – and learned a lot. I’m better at my job for it. Through various circumstances and changing compensation plans (which are always tricky anyway), trust was broken when I was told that someone, on this one project, did not want to split the commission as we have always done – because they had done the math and it was hard to give up. Wow. It was a slap in the face, not because of the money. The money matters of course because it has been four years of work and effort and my family has sacrificed a lot in that time – I want to make sure it was worth it. But more than that, I was faced for the first time with something that I always knew was there in humanity, but had never experienced. Everyone has a price tag. I knew money, or the possibility of, could change people, could change decisions. But it was my first time seeing it face to face – and having it directly affect me. We are not talking about the lottery, or anything remotely close to being able to retire – just a nice check.

I of course worked through the night to put my case together for our Sr. Leadership. I did a good job. In my heart I know I am going to get turned down.

Guess what? It has been a good thing. While processing this for days and days, because once the shock wore off – I just couldn’t get answers, I really didn’t understand it when to me the work and effort, the literal blood, sweat, and tears were evident for all to see. I came to the conclusion and for the first time really trusted that God will honor good intentions, He will honor integrity, He will honor the work that I have done. Maybe not with dollar signs, but if I whine and mope and make a big deal publicly about it – who would honor that? I pleaded my case, I did a good job, I continue to do a good job on this project – I matter with this one.

I believe I’ve already seen the blessings. Raymonn not more than one day later came to me after church and said he wanted to talk through a few things. He echoed exactly the same conclusion I had come to the day before. It may not be a big deal to you – but to me, that shouts LEADER OF THE FAMILY!! To me, that was a huge turning point in our marriage. Neither of us have ever really figured out the true definition of “leader” in a family. We know it doesn’t mean a paycheck – but it’s tough to figure it out. Society says so many different things, the mountains and valleys we’ve climbed together the past 4 years have made it even more interesting. But I think we’re getting there. I really think we are. This marriage thing is working. I have learned a ton about who I am, who he is, how to honor him and our marriage. We’ll get there – it’s looking good.

As I read back through this I have confirmed it. I am emotionally exhausted. The events have sucked, there’s no way around that. But I have grown, learned, and adapted and ultimately there is not much more we can do.

My life is still good.