Looking Back… Looking Forward

I spent last night reading through many older posts and comments. It was good to do a bit of soul searching and remembering what I was thinking, what I was feeling, and even who I was 18+ months ago. The last post I read last night was my 2008 New Years Resolutions. I semi-accomplished them, which to me is more than okay.

So thinking back about 2008, incredibly difficult to do. I loved the year because of Prayse. She is as always my shining light. I love being a Mama, best job in the world. There were a lot of bright moments this year, I’m not sure why the tough times seem to dull the good. My natural personality I’m sure, something I undoubtedly need to work on. But let’s try. The Good:

• Found a fantastic daycare for Prayse. She LOVES it. Loves the teachers, loves the other kids, has grown by leaps and bounds. The daycare is literally a one minute drive from the office which allows me to go play with her.
• My job. Do I still struggle? Uh huh. A lot. Is my job perfect? No way in hades. But they are as understanding as any organization I believe. I am able to work from home on Fridays which both allows us to afford the previously mentioned daycare and gives me an extra day with my P.
• I have learned to appreciate my family in a whole new light. They have sacrificed enormous amounts of time and money for me this year. They have changed their plans at a moments notice to spend time with Prayse and watch her while I pursue a long-term dream of my own. That is awesome and something not to be taken for granted.
• I have had friends from my past come back into my life. The cycle of friendship is often times hard, especially for me because I really don’t know how to be a sort of friend, I always want to go all out, put my heart on the line and then get hurt. But this year I’ve been rebuilding some bridges simply because the timing was right, and our lives are once again in similar places. I like that.
• Prayse. Enough said.

I saw a new side of my husband this year as well. Not to say it was a new side of him, but I allowed myself to fully see and accept who he is. Who is he? A dreamer. I always knew he was, but truth be told it drove me nuts sometimes. Know why? Because we both were growing into who we are and maturing. He was a dreamer who was still learning to execute. I was a doer who was still learning to dream. He still keeps dreaming, but is now actively pursuing a few of them and listening, seeking advice and following through. He is now actively including his family in those dreams. I allowed myself to fully think outside of the box. Think outside of the things that other people said I was good at and listened to what I thought I could be good at. Then… the scariest part… I started to pursue. My hubs? Said, “I’m in. What do we need to do?” That evening was the turning point in our marriage. Never easy from there, but we both were committed and we’ve been slowly climbing the mountain together. It’s a good feeling.

I’ve lost friends, gained some back, gained new friends, formed stronger bonds with some and weaker bonds with others. I hate that part. I would prefer to live in la la land and not reality sometimes. I always want to scream, “Can’t we all just get along?” No. We can’t. Not in reality. There are too many different personalities, communication styles, confrontation styles, opinions. I try to remove myself from the situations and always end up hurting someone or the other, or making someone or the other mad. I know they sometimes just want to scream at me, “GET OFF THE FENCE!” But I like it here. I’ll probably stay, because I can’t choose. Just can’t. I haven’t been out right asked, thankfully and so I’ll just hang out up here and in my hippie way just love everyone for what I see and nothing more.

Now – Looking forward into 2009. Geez, this year excites and scares me all at the same time. Exciting because I can’t wait to see more of the beautiful individual Prayse is growing up to be, both on the inside and outside. Scary because Prayse will be growing up to be more of the beautiful individual she is.

Work is scary. I have predominately worked w/ retail organizations and for the past 3 months have told my boss, boss’ boss, and boss’ boss’ boss that the industry will not be the same in 2009. I’m hoping they’ll work something out for me!

I am setting a couple of goals (not resolutions) for the year.

• Finances – This is a TOGETHER one which is very exciting. Usually I’m nagging Raymonn about this type of stuff and he is successfully ignoring me. This year we have set this together. We have 5 major debts that we want to pay off this year.
• House and Home – I suck at housework. Not a natural, I really have to work on it. I did better last year, I want to keep improving on that. I also want to make sure that I keep our house full of healthy groceries and dinners. When I do that I notice that we do not eat out, we don’t grab a fast food lunch which is not only healthier but helps with the finances. So as sub-goals I want to:
  • Cook 3 times/week – and encourage Raymonn to cook once
  • Keep up with laundry (this includes actually putting it away)
  • Keep encouraging R and I to work on the house together – just 20 min/day, one project/day
• My relationship with God needs some attention. Here I sit and complain about my friendships and losing some, weaker bonds… HELLO!! Tiffany, the relationship with God should be first and foremost. I forget that I need to put time and energy into that one as well. Seriously, 5/10 minutes per day would go along way. So my plan is to organize some time and space to make this a reality.
• I set up some automatic giving to organizations I strongly believe in, I did this late in 2008 and I’d like to see it through as well as increase it along the way. As I am blessed I need to make sure that I’m spreading those blessings around.
• Blog more and blog truer. There are things that I am too afraid to write and I need to get over it. It is my blog and my thoughts. I also need to just write what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. I do have great ideas (to me anyway) but by the time I make myself sit down to write they are either not as clear or not relevant.
• Keep up with my dream, keep pursuing.

Happy New Year friends. Even though 99% of you don’t post any comments, and it drives my flippin bananas, I still love that I have a space for my to get my thoughts down and that you don’t hate me for it What I would love is for more of you to share yourselves with me this year. To build a couple of stronger relationships, heck, start your own blogs and let me know what they are. I’d love to follow you. I’ve figured out a couple of your IP addresses and locations (cuz I’m crazy stalker like that), and b/c some of you have told me

Thanks for allowing me to be me. Enjoy your day!