Don’t mind me

I just have to get a few things off of my chest. I need to process them and I’m gonna do it in writing. I am warning you that it’s going to be random, you probably won’t understand a lot, and that’s okay. I don’t even know what’s going to come out of these fingers, but I cannot concentrate on what I need to do this evening. I’m crabby and emotional, and I just need to type. So I guess we’ll both be surprised together at what is on my mind and maybe I can stop feeling this way and get a few things accomplished.

I can tell we’re winding down, we’re nearing the end. It has been a stressful year. I’m ready for a new one, a brand new start. Not that 2009 will be any different mind you, but at least I get a shot at it.

The first full year with a baby and adjusting has been the best thing I could have ever imagined, and the hardest thing I could have ever imagined. Our marriage has been in a very rocky place, but we’re coming out on top and celebrating our four year anniversary tomorrow. We’re stronger now than we have been. We’re happier now than we have been, and we’re in a better place than we have been in a long time. Still though, the wear and tear of fighting for a marriage… Worth every frustrating second, and exhausting. Rebuilding a friendship, the most important one that we should have… worth every step, and exhausting.

Work has been both fulfilling and challenging. This year I’ve had my highest highs and lowest lows. Our organization is continually changing, this year maybe more than I’ve experienced, even without a major acquisition in my division (for once). A change in leadership within my organization, losing a boss and gaining a friend, new people who certainly came in and “shook things up.” Both good and bad, stressful when I’m told what I’m doing isn’t working… not minding the millions I helped bring in… and all so that nothing would really change. Again, another battle to prove myself and my worth to someone looking from the outside in. Worth it? Obviously. I need my job. But again, I’m tired.

It has been a difficult and uphill journey in corporate america being a Mom who truly lives the statement, “My family comes first.” To say it, and to live it are completely different things. I have been blessed w/ an organization who, while not really understanding why I ask for the things I ask for, who views my choices as giving up something and not gaining anything, is still accomodating. I appreciate it more than I voice to them, but still feel that it really is difficult to find my place when I consider myself a Mom and then a Career Woman. Oh how the pendulum has swung, both in our culture and in my own views.

I haven’t slept much the past few months. I have made some choices, made some sacrifices that have been just for me. Extremely fulfilling, and I feel as though I am doing something for ME. It’s been a long time since I made that move. Since college really. Track? Track was for me. I pushed myself, I hurt and I struggled and I got better. I got past barriers nobody knew I could, I ran faster times that nobody would have thought I could, I trained for events and scored well among the top in the nation… I didn’t even know I could. That has been missing from my life for a long time. I always hated filling out anything “About Me.” It would come down to hobbies and I would get so frustrated. I worked. Then, I worked and I was a Mom. Who has time for hobbies? Well, we all know that our men, they have time for hobbies. They have time for their extras and for friends and for PlayStation or whatever their video game of choice is. As women we so often don’t. Why is that? Because we always see the things that aren’t getting done? It bothers us and so we just continue to work at it? When we don’t have the traditional skills/talent that I see so many of my other friends is it just easier to give up? Add the word “Mom” to our job description and it escalates another level, especially for those of us that work outside the home (I can only relate to that because it’s all I know). To only have a few hours in the evening and weekends with our babes, do you know how difficult it is to give up that time? We already struggled with feelings of guilt – to go to the gym 2 or 3 times/week on top of not seeing the babe? Hard. To. Do. (See… tangent).

But, I made a choice and have been involved in a few things for me. Of course that means sacrifices, most of which include staying up later and getting up earlier. Sounds simple, it’s not. At this poing, the fatigue is wearing. The satisfaction is great, but my energy levels are draining.

Add that onto the fact that we won’t have a Christmas Tree this year and the fact that I’m going to be leaving my baby for a whole week… you get one emotional Tiff. I am taking off a few days this week. Prayse and I hung out all day today, she is going to daycare tomorrow so I can get a few things done (like my hair, it’s been since April, how pathetic is that?). I know that I’ll enjoy myself, I’m looking forward to it. I try to keep what I’m feeling under the radar b/c I know Raymonn will look at me and just think, “Great, she’s going to bring that stress w/her and we’re not going to have a good time.” But it is starting to hit me. Hard. I hate this feeling, knowing that I’ll be gone a week. Oh sure she’ll be in great hands. But I’m her Mama. What if she falls down (she will) and I’m not here? She’s going to wake up crying in the middle of the night, I won’t be here. She is going to be laughing and talking and learning new things, I won’t be here. It makes me sad.

I could go on… I’m hoping I’ve exorcised most of my random frustrations in order for me to focus and maybe cross one, hopefully two things off of my ever growing to do list. And as an added bonus maybe I won’t snap at my hubby because he hasn’t done anything wrong. My fingers are crossed…