Clear Epic

That is what I feel like lately with this blog. There is so much in my life that I would absolutely love love love to write down, to write about. It is how I process everything that happens in my life, good or bad. I think through every situation much more clearly as I write it down. But I never seem to have the balls to pull the trigger, to push “Publish.”

I worry, way too much. I always worry that I’ll offend someone, that I’ll say something and somebody will get pissed. I want to write about family stuff sometimes but my family reads my blog which I love, but feel the need to keep my published thoughts generic on a lot of things. I want to write about work sometimes (not specifics, I’m not stupid enough to be fired) but there are individuals from work that read my blog and I wouldn’t want anyone to get upset that I’d write about it. There are times I want to write about Raymonn but worry he’ll be upset.

I sit down to write or think about what is going on and stop myself. For awhile it has made this blog seem more like a chore than what I really want it to be. I want it to be real. I want to show the real me, real things that I deal with and all of the crazy, random things that pop through my head. Maybe it makes me crazy, maybe it makes me normal. But when I feel like I can’t write one thing or another and the list just keeps getting longer and longer, I tend to just walk away.

My problem is that I care - maybe too much - about others’ reactions. Raymonn has so much self-confidence, I need some of it. He is who he is, and has no apologies for it. He realizes he’s not perfect but he is so confident in who he is that he doesn’t even think twice about the things that haunt my mind. Someone doesn’t return a call? He doesn’t even notice. Someone doesn’t return multiple calls or text messages? If he notices he just thinks, “They’ll get back to me if/when they want to.” If they don’t want to get back to him, their loss.  A friend cancels consistently, even on his Birthday… the most reaction is rolled eyes. I was more hurt over it than he was.

Me? I over-analyze it all. I think too much about it, I worry too much. Somehow though, I need to shift my view because if I don’t, well, then I’m not sure I’ll continue this blog, or blogging. Which would be a pity b/c no matter who reads or doesn’t read, no matter who comments or doesn’t comment, I like it. I like my blog. I LOVE sharing off my baby.  I need to find a way to be bolder, to share who I am and what I think and how I feel. And if you don’t like it? Well, this is me and I like who I am… go find another blog.

Yeah… now I need to just convince myself of that.