Guilt is not fun.

See, the thing with guilt is that it is not just one emotion, it is multiple crappy/bad feeling emotions all tied up in into one. When you feel guilty you are also most likely feeling sad, and if you’re like me, a bit anxious.

 This has been an extremely long week. Yes, I know it is Tuesday. Doesn’t matter. Work and life and emotions and everything else has come crashing down. I couldn’t disconnect tonight. I couldn’t let it go and focus on what mattered, Prayse. I picked her up, came home and we had dinner together. We even fingerpainted for the beginning of a child/parent class project (how fun! her first “homework”). Then we came to play and I even turned on the TV. I never turn on the TV, I typically just play with her and that’s what I focus on.

Not tonight, I was trying everything to not think about work and even just watch one of my shows that has been DVR’d for a few weeks now. At the end of the evening I looked at Prayse sitting there w/ blocks, grooving w/ the music that was on TV and thought, “What in the world are you doing Tiffany? She is so precious and you have lost tonight.”

I don’t even know why tonight mattered so much. I really don’t. Prayse will not be traumatized by this one night. I hope that it stays with me however. She is so much fun right now. I feel like we are building up such a great relationship. She loves to climb up on my back and go for a ride. She is starting to communicate more and more. Last night? I was the funniest person in the world. Truly. Just by balancing a block on my nose I was the coolest Mama evah. Prayse had a belly gut laugh going on which had me in stitches too.

When she gets hungry she takes my hand and walks into the kitchen. When she wants to go upstairs she climbs the stairs, checking to make sure I’m following. She’ll bring books into my lap and cuddle up. She sometimes even sits past when I read the title We have dance partys nightly, to any beat. We even make our own music.

And my favorite? She has learned how to whisper. We’ll be walking around the house and she’ll pull me down to her level and start pointing and whispering about something that is super important.

Again, what is it about tonight? I feel I missed out on great memories and special moments. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be able to walk away from my job and disconnect. Physically? Done. I don’t even bring my computer in from the car until after P is asleep. I choose not to have a Treo or Blackberry so I won’t be checking email. But mentally? That is where I need work. I mentally need a break from work. Today’s like today I want and need a job when I leave, I leave. I can be a good Mom, I can be a loving wife.