Raymonn came clean tonight. He fessed up. Saturday night while I was gone in Vegas he told me the truth… he had a babysitter come watch Prayse.
Why was my first reaction panic? Literally, my heart started to immediately race and I had to calm myself down. Why was that? The girl he had come watch her is really nice. I’ve been around her a few different times and I know she loves Prayse. P gets along with anyone and everyone so I’m sure she had fun.
I think it was the fact that a some-what stranger was in my house, watching my daughter, and I didn’t know about it. Kind of makes me mad, again a reaction I had to talk myself out of. It obviously turned out well. Raymonn “says” he’s going to take me on a date in a few weeks. It’s been since October so I’ll believe it when I see it.
I wonder if my reaction has to do with the fact that for the first time I was gone gone. Not just one night, but three nights away from P and it sucked being away but I knew she was with her Daddy so I felt okay about it. Now to know that for awhile she wasn’t, she was with someone she doesn’t know. For that instant it sucked the air out of me and I’m kind of still dealing with it.
Strange isn’t it?
I also think my feelings have to do with the fact that I have to go away again. Next week I have to be in Arkansas for work. For the whole week. It makes me want to cry, honestly. I have this feeling in my chest when I think about it and I just want to be with P, to squeeze her tight. I just got back and now I have to go again. I can’t talk with anyone at work about it, they are on the road all the time missing their families. They give up time with their kids so that I can go home to mine every night. They sacrifice their family time for mine. And here I am upset that I have to be gone for a week.
I can’t help it though, I can’t help this tightness, the sadness, even though I know that my job pays the bills, it is the reason we have a 401K, life insurance, disability insurance, IRAs, savings… Our jobs are the reason we have a house, electricity, air conditioning, cars, food… and here I am complaining. What a lousy person I am.
Still though, I am a Mom first and last. And I have a right to miss my baby and complain about missing out on every moment. It’s my prerogative.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I understand. I can already see that I won’t be leaving the Bean with a babysitter. The only people I could be okay with would be family, and they are all overseas. There really isn’t any movie I want to see, any restaurant I want to eat at, or any event I want to go to badly enough.
Am I nuts? Yes. Do I care? No.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Oh, my heart hurts for you
I would panic too. You are an amazing mama to wear all of these hats. P is a lucky girl to have you. I hope the week passes by quickly.
((HUGS))
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I am going to be away from all of my girls for the first time ever. I’ve been away from two of them while in China, but this is the first time to leave them all. I am freaked out and feeling guilty and weird but it’s a career thing and I could make our lives better by doing this. I’ll be thinking of you, knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. Take care.
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’d be mad too, if the baby was with a sitter and I didn’t know about it til afterward.
I’m sure she’s so happy to see you when you’re back from your trips
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I totally understand. We’ve been out on one date since Peanut was born because I just can’t leave her with a sitter, I need family to watch her. You have every right to miss your baby and be upset about missing out on all those little moments. (((HUGS)))
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Friend here that sucks because I missed P’s b-day first of all and didn’t call. But, the friend that understands how you feel and you aren’t guilty for anything. You have justifiable feelings as we all do! I love you and miss you more than you know! Call sometime!
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:01 am
I’d be a bit put out by the whole “not letting you know until now” part of the deal.
Why is it so hard for Mom’s to leave their babies with sitters, but Dad’s can do it in a heartbeat?
{{{HUGS}}} Being away from them stinks when it’s for something fun. For work? It really bites.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:45 am
I’m a working Mom too - I get it! …and you have every right to complain all you want - it’s so natural to miss your child, even though you are providing for her. Hang in there!