Can’t Sit Hee-yeah

There was the Civil Rights Movement to ensure equality for all races, backgrounds and ethnicities. There was the Woman’s Suffrage Association who started the Woman’s Rights Movement to ensure equality for all genders. Where is the “Mama’s Rights Movement”??? Why is it that there is not equality for women who want to focus on their families? Why is it so damn hard? Why are there so many hurdles to jump? Mountains to climb?

Why does there have to be a choice between putting your family first and being successful in the workplace? I just do not get it. I do not understand. When I was about to have P I remember sitting in a colleague’s office telling her that with me it was going to be different. I was going to find a way to be a valued member of our team, to be one of the top reps, to be respected, to make a lot of money, and on top of it all… to come home, be a Mom, and have family #1 on my list of priorities. I remember the expression on her face. She didn’t want to kill the dream, but had to warn me of reality. She told me that she really hoped I could do it. She told me that no one else had been able to and that if I could, it would help change the face of the company. You see traditionally if you look at who is really successful… I mean REALLY successful. It is men. It is men with amazing wifes who stay home with their beautiful children and devote themselves to their family. I can think of one who’s wife has a great job but does not travel for it.

Do you want to know what happened with my colleague? She found out she was pregnant right before I had Prayse. Her third beautiful little girl. On maternity leave she realized that she couldn’t keep the kind of schedule she had the previous 7 years. She was not able to find a place within our company doing what she loved while not traveling. She quit.  I still held out hope because a position had been created for me which allowed me to be a significant part of the deal team with rare travel required (next week of course being an exception).

I was told yesterday that that was going away. My choices (thus far) are to move to an outside rep (travel required) or move to the entry-level sales position.

T.K.O.

Not just a sucker punch, not just getting the wind knocked out of me. Total knock out. It’s just how I feel. In one day I went from being one of the top producers in our company to being told that I really just don’t fit in. What a blow. Granted, I am being stubborn and telling them my feelings. But I do not want to be in a position where I am traveling all of the time. This sucky, tight-chested feeling that I have about next week? That would be my life. I would be on the road constantly. Been there. Done that. Finished. I wouldn’t last. I wouldn’t last even 6 months before I’d be so miserable that I would find myself in the same position as I am now. And to move to the entry-level sales position? Maybe I’m egotistical and need to check it at the door, but if after five years of being in sales and being somewhat successful at it I cannot get past the first entry-level that college grads and interns are at… well then it is more than a blow to my ego. It’s a blow to my self-confidence and self-worth. Again, I won’t be happy long term and find myself in this same position.

Granted, I have been told that I am a valuable member of the team and that we will try to find a solution. I need solutions, I need someone to think outside the box for me because I am struggling with that. I need help quick. Everything that has been mentioned has been in passing, I have not had the chance to “plead my case” or have someone give me any other options. It is sad. I get so angry at myself for getting so emotional about it, but it is not just a job. It is my livelihood. I devote more than the standard 40 hours a week to this. I believe in this company, I love what I do. And now I’m a misfit, because my family comes first.

I don’t mean to say that women in the workplace aren’t good Moms (heck, I’m one of them). Nor do I mean that if your job requires travel that you aren’t a good Mom. But I have seen the effects on both moms and kids after seven years of it, and after nine years of it.  Same result. Kids telling Moms they don’t care if there are any more trips to Disney World, just as long as they don’t pack their suitcase. Moms crying in airports and hotel rooms. Me? I can’t last seven years. Mentally, physically, emotionally I can’t handle it. This is coming from someone who was jumping on planes 3-5 times/month up until my 29th week of pregnancy. But my world shifted the moment I had Prayse and I know that I am not cut out to be a road warrior. I’m not talking for anyone else here, just me.

I feel like Forrest Gump in one of the first scenes in the movie when all he was trying to do was to find a place he could sit. Find a place that was just for him, just for that moment, just for that ride. Everyone keeps telling me “Can’t sit here.”