Ramblings and a Loose Tongue

EDITOR’S NOTE: I wrote this post earlier this weekend, late at night, with a glass of wine. I realized at 1:30 that morning that I had to take it down. A portion of this was written out of frustration and I needed a few days to think and then re-read. I still think that a lot of these feelings are valid, I have just taken out a part that doesn’t belong in a public space. I am attempting to allow myself to be a bit more open and honest, but it’s a work in progress. I also had to add the note so you don’t think I’m drinking at 9:00 a.m.! Happy Memorial Day everyone!

Okay, so I always always have a lot on my mind but the past few months I haven’t sat down to write and it is a mistake. Not just b/c I am not capturing moments that I want to capture but just because as I have mentioned before writing is therapy for me. I wish I had time to write more, I used to be good at it. I have story lines in my head. Ones for children’s books that I think could be really good. Have I sat down to make it a reality? No. No I haven’t because I get caught up in the everyday life and am just in the groove.

So tonight I am on my second glass of wine and for someone that doesn’t really drink… let’s just say my tongue is a bit loose I only had a bit of Pinot Noir left so I had to pair it with a Cabernet. Apparently I’m trying to make my own Menage A Trois (it’s a wine people, get your minds out of the gutter) only tonight it’s a Menage a Deux.

So here I am again alone with only my thoughts to keep my company. I may as well let them out and come what may. You all may have heard about Steven Curtis Chapman and the tragedy that he and his family are facing with the loss of their five year old. I cried. I don’t know them but I cried. I cry a lot and it is easy for me to sympathize with people. But this was different, this was a scared cry. I’m going to be 100% honest here and I know that not everyone will agree but again, I’m just saying what I feel. If something happened to Prayse I would not want to go on living. My prayer would be to take me too. Because the songs and the people saying “all we need is Jesus” I always wonder who wrote them and if they are “qualified.” Anyone can say those words if they haven’t really experienced tragedy. They’re easy to say if you aren’t really at risk for losing what means the most to you. Yes, that is the ideal. Maybe my relationship with God is not where it should be. Maybe my faith is not strong enough. But I do not JUST need Jesus, I need Prayse too. In order for my life to be complete, in order for my life to make sense, in order for me to go on living I need my daughter. Period. I need my family. Me without her? Inconceivable. She is literally a part of me and if she goes I go. So I’m just telling you God, we are a package deal. The Chapmans are obviously an amazing family, their faith in you is I’m sure stronger than mine much of the time. I would never say that I deserve more, but I am telling you the truth.

I once asked a co-worker if I was over-reacting because I feel so strongly about this. This fear is really never far from the surface. He told me that it was the same with him. You go on living your normal life but it’s like this feeling that in some part of your brain you are constantly in fear of losing your kids. Getting on a plane, even though you do it all the time, you think twice and send up a prayer because you have to get home to your kids. It was hard to ask and hard to admit because I don’t want to get obsessive about it or compulsive about it but if you could get inside my head and inside my prayers you could almost say the first part with me. “Lord THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this little blessing.” I always finish up begging Him to keep her safe and to keep her away from those that would harm her. Is it a “Mom thing” or do I go overboard?

Okay, that is probably enough rambling for tonight anyway. I’m sure I have made a fool of myself enough. I’ll leave you with the sweetest thing you’ve seen all day: