Clear Epic

We’re through. We’re done with nursing and breast feeding. I’ve known for awhile and the decision was really more my body’s than it was mine. About a month ago I knew that I wasn’t producing nearly enough milk, I bought some fenugreek but never ended up taking it. I felt guilty about that decision for a little bit, but honestly I needed time to think about it and then just never ended up taking it.

Here is sort of my evolution of breastfeeding:

• Pregnant- No real opinion either way. I chose to try breastfeeding because, why not? My body was already going to produce the milk anyway I might as well see if I like it. I never knew anyone that had breastfed (my cousin actually had but I didn’t know) and so I was always wishy-washy thinking if it works great, if not then who cares? Turns out, I cared.

• Post-Pardum: I found two really great resources and support. Milkworks which is an amazing resource for new Moms. They not only offer LCs but twice a week there are Mom gatherings, a place to go and get out of the house. The best part was I could obviously nurse Prayse there. This is huge when you have a newborn who is nursing every 2 hours (maximum). By the time you feed them, get everything ready, including yourself there is really never anytime to go anywhere without a meltdown due to a hungry baby by the time you get home. Milkworks was my safe place, I love it! I also found an amazing group of Mamas online who nursed. Not all of them did but regardless of the situation they were full of support and helpful tips!

It became really important to me, in fact Prayse was EBF until she was almost six months old. Some may disagree and that’s okay but it was the right decision I think for us.

So with that in mind and my original gung-ho goal of nursing Prayse until she is one, I surprised myself with my decision and was surprised even more by the fact that I am okay with this. In fact, I’m almost feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.

My body has not been my own since October 21, 2006. That’s the day night that Prayse was conceived. That’s a long time for my body to be a vessel. I’m so ready for it to be mine! I’m ready for my chest to be my own. I am just ready. I went through gaining 35 pounds and then losing 45. Producing milk is harder to do than I realized and my body works overtime to do it. I haven’t been able to have my own wardrobe for the longest time and I am ready. I am ready to get a body back that I love. It’s not that I haven’t loved my body. On the contrary, even though I look at pictures right before I gave birth and think “holy cow Tiff, even your nose got bigger”, I LOVED being able to gain weight and felt sexy when I was pregnant.

Now however, even though I realize I have been producing meals and nourishment for Prayse. I can only hear “You are so SKINNY” so many more times before I pound on someone. I hear it at least three times a day. I haven’t blogged about this before because every time I try to talk about it in real life I get the usual, “Heh, I wish I had that problem” accompanied by an eye roll. Or “I hate when skinny people complain.” Get over yourselves, it is a problem for me whether you want to believe it or not.

Why, in our society is it totally acceptable to rudely comment to their face on how thin someone is? It isn’t socially acceptable to comment on how large someone is. I’m tired of it. I hate the way my clothes look. Believe it or not, I loved my curves. I especially loved my booty and it is gone!

So it is time. It is time that my body is my own. I love my baby but I think I’ve done all I can with this phase. She is eating like a champ and through many trials with formula she of course found the $25/can one that works for her and that she can keep down. Typical, she is my husband’s daughter… high maintenance

Oh yeah, I’m also about to go eat a bowl of real ice cream. Now that is something I haven’t been able to do for over 8 months… life is good.