Our Greatest Fears
Our greatest fears, Raymonn and I talked through this on our drive back home this weekend. Do you know what mine is? My greatest fear is that something will happen to me and I won’t be around to show Prayse how much I REALLY love her. Anyone can always tell her how much, but it won’t make much of an impact, not as big of an impact because I can’t even put into words the depth of my love for her. I NEED to be here to raise her, have to no one else can do it as well 
I told Raymonn that for every big event or even just because I am going to start writing Prayse. For Christmas I got her a necklace that she can enjoy later on but with it is going a Christmas card that will pour out my feelings for her at this moment. She needs to know how much I enjoyed having her this Christmas, how fun it was just to see her reaching for gifts only to chew on the edges, that when people had asked me what I wanted somehow the ideas were usually items for her If I don’t capture it now I won’t remember as much later. I am going to store these away for a time when she can understand and enjoy. Hopefully I am around then, but if not then they will definitely be necessary.
This is not a doom and gloom post, I am not running around scared and sad about the possibility but life throws us curve balls and they suck. My sister’s SIL has cancer, she has tumors so big they start in her heart and have now cracked her spine. She has three young children. Will she be around next Christmas? Chances are slim, very slim. I cannot imagine sitting at Christmas and watching my children knowing I won’t be there for their graduation, I won’t get to see them walk down the aisle, I won’t even get to ground them for breaking curfew. She is living the life that she has left and enjoying her babies and to me showing a strength I don’t know I would have.
Now that’s is a reality check that I needed this season.
Jennie Says:
That’s a really good idea. She will treasure those letters.
Posted on December 31st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Steph Says:
That’s a huge fear of mine… That I wont be here to raise my kids. That Livs dad will take her from my family and NO ONE will ever tell her how much I love her.
Posted on December 31st, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Julie Says:
T- I have the same fear. I’ve cried many times thinking that as well. and honestly, i’ve also decided to write Elle letters. I plan to do it every year on her birthday and send it to her. I’m just going to mail it to my house and keep it unopened until she can open and read them. I used to not be afraid of death but now I have so much to live for as do you.
Posted on December 31st, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Aunt Denise Says:
I love that you are writing things down. Stick with it cause that was always my intention and I didn’t stick to it and now I regret it. Jason has a buddy that comes over and he goes there and, anyway, his mother passed away last Fri. She had cancer and left a husband, and a 15 and 12 year old. How sad it is. Breaks my heart–I hope they have something from her!!!
Love you and give Prayse a love for me!
Aunt Denise
Posted on January 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
lauren Says:
Happy belated holidays and new year! Thanks, as always, for writing so honestly and truthfully. I just caught up on about a month of your posts and I just wanted to give you a virtual hug… seems you are doing a wonderful job juggling all the different roles in your life. Good health and happiness to you and yours in 2008!
Posted on January 3rd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
BeautifulllyUnique Says:
You are not alone Tiff. My mom died at the young age of 42. It scares the hell out of me to think that I could die and leave my children. It doesn’t consume me but I do think of it often. I started writing letters to Bubba several years ago and I will do the same with Sister.
My mom wrote me, my brother, and sister a letter when she was dying. She was on her death bed and she wrote each of us a goodbye letter and sealed them. I got found them in her things a couple of days after she died. That letter is now tear stained but I will treasure it as long as I live. I take it out and read it from time to time just to feel close to her again.
Keep on keeping on girl, you are doing a great job!
Posted on January 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm