Clear Epic

OK so here goes that stream of consciousness thing again. My filter is off so I apologize in advance if anyone is offended. Let me just preface this by saying that in no way, shape, or form does this post have to do with anyone but me. I am not ranting on any one particular individual, but I need an outlet and this is it today. I am no good at talking about my feelings a lot of the time, I mess it up, I can’t get them out, I get interrupted, and then I get frustrated because what I have said it not really what I have intended to say and nothing is resolved or changes. I’m hoping I can write my way into some sort of a solution, or at least keep writing in circles until I understand why.

I am sad. I don’t know all of the reasons why, I can’t pin point anything specific that is the single cause, but I am uncomfortable around those that I love because I feel as though all I’m doing is bringing them down when I try to have even a normal conversation. It affects my work, my friendships, and my marriage. I am taking things too personally but can’t bring myself to say anything about it or my feelings because of the fear that I of course won’t say the right thing and will get the typical answer of “you are taking it too personally” as always said with disgust and walking away indicating that I am wrong again and the conversation is over. It’s not that, I am not trying to take anything personally I am trying my hardest to see things and situations with a clear head and a clear heart. I really am. I want to feel loved, I want to feel cherished and important, I want to feel as though I am doing this mom/working mom/wife thing right even though I don’t think I am. I’m not looking for pity, I’m not looking for a pat on the back, I don’t know what I’m looking for and that’s the problem. I am the type of person that is 100% okay with someone whining and complaining as long as they are attempting to do something about the problem. There are times when you just need a release and I recognize that, but eventually I get annoyed when there is no action taken to fix it. This is my problem, I don’t know what to do to fix it. I don’t know what steps to take because I can’t get my arms around what I’m feeling or what to do about it.

Is it possible to have Baby Blues when you’re almost five months into it? I had thought those were just within those first few weeks. Are my hormones still not under control here? What I do know is that when I look at my daughter, I smile. She is my saving grace, she is the light of my world, she is my savior at this point in time because honestly w/out her I would just withdraw even more into my own pain and lock every single person out. Why? I don’t know. I’m like that and always have been until I unleash on everyone and that’s not fair. I recognize this, but I am having a hard time stopping.

Work is hard. When you’re in sales and you are out for three months you come back and feel you have to start over. When you work for a company and the normal hours you put in before baby have been scaled back by 1/3 but you are trying to keep up the normal levels and successes, it doesn’t happen. When you live off of commission and you haven’t made a single sale in 6 months you start to wonder. Do I still have it? Am I still talented enough for this job? My manager who is amazing would say yes. they still believe in me, but me being the person and the perfectionist that I am… I need to see it. I need to believe it, and when I’m sitting at work, losing deals, and the whole time missing my daughter… I start to doubt myself and my worth. And wondering why I’m there if I can’t be successful at it.  Never in one million years could we afford for me to stay home. Can’t happen. Being a stay at home mom wouldn’t be as fun if you couldn’t afford the home to stay in.  But even after all this time, it’s not enough. The few hours I get is NOT ENOUGH for me! THIS is one reason why I sleep with her. Because I need the extra time with her, I have to have it. I don’t care if she’s asleep or I’m asleep. I’m still with her, I’m cuddling her, it’s extra time that I won’t get when we transition her to her crib and I miss it already. I’ll go along with putting her in the crib, only because it’s his bed too and I want to respect that but in no way am I ready for it, and in no way do I really want to do it. For those that work outside the home, does the guilt ever really go away?

Proof I guess that I’m not perfect, even though I have been accused of acting like it.  I may not be good at communicating, in fact I am awful at communicating my feelings, especially when I am down or feel hurt. I never get it right, but one thing I have never claimed is perfection, even when I’m putting up a good “screen” My life is so far south of perfect I ask myself what I’ve done wrong at times. What can I be doing to make it better? But never in my own messed up way of trying to make my life better have I put others down or looked down upon them. What a hypocrite would I be if I did?? It hurt more than I could say to be accused of it and to think that the accusation actually caused someone else pain.

It’s not working, the writing myself into an understanding. It’s not working, but I’m trying. I’m trying the best I can to make it through. I was given great advice by a good friend, to hug my baby and just “breathe her in.” It amazing how well it works. She is perfect and has not yet been hurt by this world. I am scared for her and want to block it all out. Of course I can’t do that but here in this moment in her serenity that she has because she innately knows that her Mama is taking care of her, providing food, warmth, a clean diaper, and lots of love. She gives me back much more than I give her. When I pick her up and breathe her in, I find a moment of peace and love that brings tears to my eyes. This little slice of heaven that was for some reason given to me. I am completely undeserving but oh so glad I have her.  I look at her and she gives me her big toothless grin and my heart melts, I wake up in the middle of the night and she has rolled on her side facing me, arms reached out and chubby hands on my cheeks. There is nothing better, it is those little moments I live for. It is those little moments that the world is perfect.