Going out on a limb

It is so easy for me to post the cute pictures and blog about all of the of the fun times. There are hundreds of cute pictures and thousands upon thousands of moments that are perfect. I have an amazing daughter and wonderful husband,

It is much harder for me to write about the doubts, fears, frustration, and tears. Almost to the point of being impossible. I don’t know if it’s because friends and family read my blog so I don’t have the anonymity of the virtual world? I have found that it is much easier to open up to my fellow mommies and I think it’s because that anonymity is empowering, I’m not as vulnerable. So I’m going to go out on a limb tonight and attempt to be truthful with myself. I am going to type my stream of consciousness as it comes and I am not going to read and re-read it to make all of the little changes I usually make. Deep breath… here we go…

Last week was tough, I can’t put my finger on why exactly but it all came to head. I was extremely sore and frustrated that healing takes this long. I can’t fit into any of my clothes except those that were so big before that I almost threw them out a thousand times. I have people telling me to be grateful of how I look 5 weeks after having a baby. I am grateful, but does being semi-thin and losing a majority of the baby weight mean that I don’t get to be self-conscious?? Does it mean that I don’t “deserve” to share my feelings or get to be frustrated as I get used to this new body? If I’m being honest, it’s not just others, it’s also me. I know that stretch marks are badges of honor so why don’t I feel sexy? And why do I feel guilty for not feeling proud and sexy? I have a beautiful daughter to show for the extra pounds, stretch marks, and stitches. I should be proud of myself not… whatever it is I’m feeling.

Praysalyn is over 5 weeks old and the longest I have been away from her is to fill the car up with gas or run through the drive-thru to pick up some fast food. She’s so easy to be around and getting more fun by the day, but I know that I’m starting to go stir crazy. Do you know what’s worse? The extreme guilt that immediately follows the initial desire to get away for a minute. It makes me want to cry, why would I ever want to leave this precious soul? She is awesome, she loves to cuddle with me, she listens to whatever I have to say and of course she’s needy, she’s a baby. She’s going to cry sometimes, going to have a sad tummy and going to need her Mommy. 99.999% of the time I love that fact. It’s a fine line really if I actually had a chance to have dinner with friends or go out for a movie would I want to? If I’m being honest, the reality of leaving her scares me and makes me want to cry more.

At least for the duration of football season I will have to be okay with and be more pro-active about making plans with friends where she can come with but I can have some adult interaction. Like today when I went to Mom’s Talk at MilkWorks this morning, it was neat to talk with other ladies who are breast feeding and have babes similar in age to Prayse.

Crying, I don’t necessarily break down but I think I’m becoming the Queen of crying. I cried tonight watching Tyler Perry’s “Diary Of A Mad Black Woman” as they talked about family and sang in church, I cried when reading a mommies prayer request for a friend who is watching her second husband die due to inoperable cancer, I cried tonight because we had another storm. I’m not scared of storms, on the contrary I love them. Growing up my Grandad and I would watch them roll in. I marvel at the awesomeness of God and His power shown through the storm. It’s a whole new world being home alone with a 5 week old. When there’s hail and strong winds and trees are going down I suddenly realized that if something were to happen, her life is in my hands. Would I be able to get us to a safe place in this house w/ no basement or bathtub on the bottom level? Would I be able to protect her? I would have to of course, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone here who can protect both of us, who can take care of both of us.

Ok Tiff, push “Publish”, you can do it…